A Hairy(less) Experience
It has been brought to my attention that bald men are attractive, virile and powerful. These positive traits were revealed to me in the bathroom mirror at four in the morning after an evening of drinking fermented grapes and smoking fomented naughty weeds by a person who, like me, was balding. In fact it was me (damn the magic world of looking-glasses). Ok – the requisites of baldness are exaggerated through the misty lens of inebriation but it’s nothing to be ashamed of – providing you shed your hair with dignity … Receding hair can be a bit of an annoyance for a man, like myself, who once had long hair and a queue of female admirers (I assume the word ‘queue’ implies any number of people – such as zero). I decided to clip my hair short at the first signs of hair-loss (medical term: a frontal-lobe hirsute lobotomy) allowing fellow humans to see the flesh that had stopped wielding follicles next to their hairy but cropped fellows. I did not – at any point – decide to use hair as a way of shielding baldness. I mean, look at Bobby Charlton. The England World Cup winning midfielder had a vicious right foot that allowed him to propel a football thirty metres from his toes into the top corner of a goal. Yet he also propelled a decimetre of hair in a flapping motion over the surface of his hairless head. What was he thinking? If he was a politician I would have a small amount of understanding since they don’t tend to run around for 90 minutes in front of 70,000 people. Didn’t Sir Bobby know that such energetic activity could cause vortices of hair movement? Well the answer is yes. But in the late 60s/early 70s no-one gave a shit. Which brings me back to my original three-pronged premise about the virtues of baldness. Bobby Charlton must have been attractive since he is married, he sired a weather-girl so he must be virile and his right-foot was very powerful indeed. Baldness may indeed imbue one with various traits … If there was a point to this article then I’m afraid it has been lost in the abyss of my brain. Baldness seemingly allows the loss of memory through the top of one’s head also...
Brut
This is a public service announcement to remind men out there that classic aftershave Brut is still available to buy. Forget about your fancy, expensive smells. Forget about your designer bottles and ludicrously lavish packaging. Brut isn’t a poncey eau de toilette. Brut is a man’s aftershave. It smells like a man smelled in the seventies. Not in his seventies. The seventies. It smells like it for approximately eight minutes before the odour evaporates but that’s more than long enough to feel like a real man. There’s none of that dabbing behind the ears, on the wrists, and light application to the cheeks and chin with Brut. Henry Cooper wanted you to "splash it all over" and BY GUM THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL DO! At under three quid a bottle you can bathe in it and gargle it too. Men! Rediscover the great smell of Brut today! Just ignore the homoerotic adverts from the seventies. Warning! The following advert contains permed hair, sweaty exercising, towel flicking, and gratuitous use of a fist. Warning! The following advert contains excessive nipple rubbing and disappointment at the appearance of a...
First Date Tips
As the owner and operator of a number of successful internet dating sites such as South Pole Soulmates and Lonely Hirsute Spaniards I’m often asked for dating advice from those about to embark on their first dates. Over the years I’ve built up quite an impressive list of dos, don’ts, definitely don’ts, and the police will get you if you try thats and I feel that now is the right time to share these dating tips and tricks with you. For Men It’s tough being a man on a first date. On the one hand you’ve got to show you understand equal rights and respect your date. On the other hand you’ve got to choose where to go, what to do, and pay for it all too without condescending the little lady. It’s a dating tightrope of high tension for men out there! Show her you are paying attention by recording the date on High Definition video. Do not throw her pet into the bath with a plugged-in toaster. Be chivalrous. Challenge any other man who looks at your date to a duel. Wear appropriate attire for the date. The ball-gag is a third date item of clothing. Do not talk about your video collection of women’s prison dramas. Let your date know that she reminds you of your mummy. If she seems shocked by this tell her all the ways in which you find your mummy pretty. Offer to meet in a public place "for your peace of mind" and not "as a condition of my bail". Do not discuss your prostate gland. Only cover your body in peanut butter if you are sure your date does not have an allergy. Maintain eye contact with your date. Do not maintain eye contact with your date if you are driving. Make her feel like she’s the only other person in the world by calling in an anthrax threat and clearing the area. Be strong and confident on your date. PCP is ideal for this. Women love honesty so fart, scratch, and pick your nose as much as you would were your date not around. Do not conclude the date with "I’d really like to fudge your smunt". For Women Women need to be demure enough to stimulate their date’s protective gene, yet assertive and confident enough to know how to say "no" convincingly when asked if they’ve lost their virginity, ever had a boyfriend, ever had a bad relationship, or are on their periods. It’s a dating facade of outright lying for women out there! Show an interest in manly activities by reading up about structural engineering and the...
Top 5 Terrifying Music Videos
There follows a short countdown of what currently constitutes my top five terrifying music videos. These are music videos that – whether deliberately or not – I find genuinely scary or creepy or disturbing. 5. Unkle – Eye For An Eye I know what you’re thinking: yeah, that was nasty! All those black things bursting out and killing everything in sight! Gruesome! Scary! Eeevil with three es! Yeah, that’s not what disturbs me. Breast feeding in public is what disturbs me. It’s not big and it’s not clever and yes, it’s natural, but so is defecating and that’s frowned upon so stop it. Big-mouthed, naked things climbing up and suckling on nipples is not on. If it was then I’d do it more often. 4. Mason vs Princess Superstar – Perfect So just what’s so perfectly terrifying about this video for the Princess Superstar remix? I can sum that up in one word: eyelashes. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not scared of eyelashes as a rule. If I was then I’d spend half the day flapping at my face and poking myself in the eyeballs in terror. And I also understand and appreciate that eyelashes serve an important purpose in keeping the mascara industry in employment. However, I’m quite picky in where my eyelashes go. I’m your average, run-of-the-mill "let’s have them on the eyelids, eh?" sort of person. When they start appearing on the cheekbones … shudder. Now that’s just wrong. Freak show wrong. I watch that video and feel I’m seconds away from being kidnapped, having my limbs chopped off, and forced to live out my life with the girls in the video chanting "one of us". No sir, I don’t like it; I don’t like it at all. 3. Queen – I Want To Break Free A moustachioed man in a mini-skirt? That’s not scary. I live in a naval port. Brian May with his hair in rollers and dressed in a silky nightdress? That’s not scary. That’s just how Brian lives. If I had curly hair I might even do the same. People in cow-patterned leotards stretching with no regard for viewers’ sensibilities? A little odd, but not even mildly distressing when compared to the truly frightening aspect of this Queen video. Roger Taylor looking good in that schoolgirl outfit? Aiiieee! Night! Terrors! 2. The Reynolds Girls – I’d Rather Jack It’s a cheesy song with a cheap video and clearly not enough rehearsal time for the dance choreography but it contains some seriously scary elements. Look at the clothing! And that hair! And then factor in that I was studying at Liverpool University not...
Trapped In The Toilet
Do you ever worry that you might become trapped in the gentlemen’s toilets at a pub or club, or do you have a friend or family member who you suspect might just become trapped in a public convenience one of these days? Then this invaluable survival guide might just save a life! Scenario Maybe the door slammed shut behind you and jammed tight. Perhaps you fell asleep on the toilet and the janitorial staff didn’t bother checking the cubicles before locking up. Mayhaps the janitorial staff did check the cubicles, used your comatose but moist mouth as a love receptacle, then locked up afterwards. Probably that last one. That last one happens all the time. Whatever the circumstances, you’ve just found yourself trapped in the toilets. You’ve got a mirror, a couple of basins, a number of urinals, a couple of cubicles, a hand towel machine, a warm air dryer, waxy lavatory paper, a wastepaper basket, and a condom machine. It’s time to survive in one of the Earth’s most inhospitable regions. Food & Drink Despite first appearances, public toilets are a veritable smorgasbord of foodstuffs and drinkstuffs. Mildew – Thanks to the high moisture content of the toilets you’re almost bound to find mildew on the tiles or toilet bowls. Mildew is a form of mould or fungus so if you like cheese or Marmite then you’re in for a treat. Me? I’d go hungry in this particular instance. Insects – Flies and crane flies love toilets and you’ll learn to love flies and crane flies if you become trapped. Catching them can be difficult yet rewarding but you might just get lucky and find a large cobweb that can be used as a net. Bonus: spiders are edible too! Protein Gel – The walls and floor in and around the cubicle areas will most likely be covered with an almost-invisible gel rich in protein. You can thank horny men, drunk women, and whores of both sexes for this nutritious feast. Get out your best licking tongue and lap up the rich-in-protein goodness wherever it lies. Remember: nobody has confessed to catching AIDS this way yet so it’s quite likely safeish! Urinal Cakes – They call them cakes BUT THEY’RE NOT CAKES AT ALL! Do not eat! Water – You won’t be short of water when you’re trapped in a toilet but water can get a bit boring after a while. Why not give your tastebuds a treat and try a special flavoured tea using hot water and appropriate condoms for cups? Warmth Revenge is a dish which people of taste prefer to eat cold and you’ll be...
Reasons To Hate Christmas
It’s almost Christmas and that means just one thing around here: time to dust off the Reasons To Hate Christmas List. Xmas Is it pronounced "ecksmas", "eczema", "Christmas", "crossmas", or "multiplied by mas"? I have to know! The Weather Thanks to the Gulf Stream, a hill to the north of my city, and a stretch of water and an island to the south of my city the absolutely most Christmassy weather we ever get is a brownish sleet that turns into a brownish slush. Picture Bing Crosby singing "I’m dreaming of a brownish, slushy sorta Christmas, just like the ones I used to slip over on the pavements to and ruin my jeans." Doesn’t work, does it? No, instead, we get to hear some fantasy Christmas vision that merely reinforces what a crock of crap it all is. Where’s my damn snow? Coca Cola Dear Coca Cola, can we get a free Coca Cola vomit bag with all four-packs of two litre bottles please? Your adverts nauseate me with the smiles and the tinkly music and the choral aaahs and the gushy, sentimental, fake joy that ires my rage nodule. And that man who stars as Santa Claus terrifies me. Really, really terrifies me. Clown-like terror. You still taste better than Pepsi though. Tabloids and Right-Wing Conservative Christian TV Hosts SCENE Tabloid "News"-paper Office, Late November. There’s a meeting going on between the editor and his crack team of "journalists". EDITOR Listen up boys, it’s almost December and you know what that means! "JOURNALIST" Hard-hitting investigative reporting possibly linking fraud and money disappearances in the contracts awarded in the Middle East to this particular time of the year when the poor and needy and families of loved ones kept away from their homes could be given the best present ever? LAUGHTER ALL AROUND EDITOR You’re fired! No, but seriously, good joke there. And the real answer? "JOURNALIST" Re-run the same headlines from the last five Decembers pretending swarthy people and hippies are corrupting children and destroying the true meaning of Christmas by fabricating a story about a nativity play being cancelled in a school that closed down six years ago because a better school opened up nearby is really down to Liberal Muslim Fundamentalist Satanistic Atheist Cult Immigrant Activists infesting government, the media, education, the military, and those people who hold up Golf Sale signs and forcing through their paedophiliac, Virgin Mary-hating agenda? EDITOR Bingo! "JOURNALIST" Oh yeah, I forgot about our special Seasonal Festive Naked Bingo game that celebrates the life of Jesus. Carol Singers Two late-teen skinheads with protruding lower lips grunting three seconds of Silent Night...
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