The Price Of Meat
Over three hundred years ago God finished rolling the Earth from a ball of plasticine. He celebrated like only He could with a galaxy-sized vat of space wine laced with antifreeze. I don’t need to tell you that antifreeze on a deity’s empty stomach is just asking for trouble and lo! it came to pass that God up-chucked humans all over the planet. The space wine was primarily Chardonnay, otherwise known as "the ham-tasting grape", and thus humans were blessed with being omnivores, consumers of animals, vegetables, fungi, and minerals, and, sometimes, Marmite which I’m pretty sure is a portal into a yeast dimension manifesting itself as evil in a jar. Which would all be fine but the price of meat is rising and damn it all to heck but that’s just not right! Why is it rising? Let me explain: the shops sell meat to us at a profit, the shops buy meat from meat farmers, the meat farmers sell meat to the shops at a profit, the meat farmers buy wheat for their meat to eat before they sell it to the shops for a profit, the meat farmers buy wheat from wheat farmers, who are primarily in the US, the wheat farmers sell the wheat to meat farmers at a profit, the wheat farmers have collectively decided they want to be astronauts instead and have raised prices dramatically to fund their NASA training. That’s good news for wheat farmers but bad news for the people at the end of the chain: omnivorous humans. What can we do? Chlorophyll Cows Genetic engineering has come a long way in the past few years. What was once firmly ensconced in the realms of science fiction is now reality. Scientists already know how to alter genes and make people glow in the dark or squirt a fine mist of vanilla-scented laughing gas when scratched behind the nostrils and it is child’s play indeed to adjust the biological makeup of Earth’s cattle to remove the need for wheat in their diet. An obvious alternative is to introduce chlorophyll into bovine skin allowing it to absorb energy from the sun in the red and blue wavelengths, fattening it up without fattening the wallet of the wheat-farming space-dreamers. Pros: Cattle will no longer require four stomachs freeing up valuable room for more meat. Methane production will plummet worldwide making the Earth less flammable. Cons: The green colouring of cows will make them harder to spot in fields, increasing the danger of one sneaking up on you. Cows may be inately drawn to follow the path of the sun across the sky during the...
Friendly Fire To Be Reclassified
British military officials today bowed down to the wishes of the public and agreed to formally reclassify incidents previously known as "friendly fire". From now on all such occurrences of military death resulting from accidental actions by allies will be referred to in official documents and media dispatches as "killed by some fuckwit". The move – which has been universally applauded in the Houses of Parliament and throughout the national press in Britain – comes on the heels of months of intense pressure from concerned groups such as Mothers Against Disingenuous Description Of Things and the Marine Biologists For A Clearer Naming System Please organisation. Army spokesman Lt Col Charlie Mayo explained that the decision to rename so-called "friendly fire" had been met with stiff resistance by American military leaders. "Our counterparts in the various wars we’re engaged in across the third world were rather hoping we would adopt their preferred term of ‘passed away in their sleep’ to describe any future accidental bombings, shootings, and runnings-over with tanks of our troops but – its obvious merits in sparing anguish for relatives aside – we ultimately answer to the British people and that is the reason for this new change." "Killed by some fuckwit" is the latest in a series of high-profile new terms issued by the allied military forces in the last few months after mounting levels of complaints that news of the numerous wars was being deliberately sugar-coated for media consumption. In February IEDs – which had previously been called "bombs" but had then been renamed during the Iraq conflict to avoid the negative imagery associated with the word – were reclassifed once more as YBEGWs or "yellow-bellied enemy girly weapons". Similarly, in June an American General in Baghdad admitted that the general reduction in fear initially caused by describing enemy combatants as "terrorists" over the past few years was the primary reason in renaming all foreign fighters as "spider...
Dinosaur Capabilities
The University of Manchester – world renowned world centre of all things prehistoric – recently released a study showing that computer modelling of dinosaurs indicated that Tyrannosaurus Rex was a fast-running creature capable of outrunning a footballer and not a carnivorous beast that only moved using stop-frame actions. Ray Harryhausen: you were wrong my friend. The study was originally conducted for Sir Alex Ferguson to see if there was any way to improve his team’s recent performances by exploiting DNA trapped in an amber pendant of his wife’s as opposed to dipping further into the transfer market. Manchester United are now expected to sign a T. Rex before the transfer window closes. For the more scientifically-minded and less football-minded there were a number of other unprovable – and undisprovable – discoveries made during the university’s computer modelling: The Velociraptor used the large, retractable claw on its feet for hanging from trees as it suffered from a bad back; the result of many years of failing to bend at the knees properly when picking up eggs. The Brachiosaurus coughed a lot. The feathers on Archaeopteryx were decorative as the entire species was flamboyantly homosexual. Geranosaurus liked to whittle objects from bark. The Allosaurus was one of the first punk-goth dinosaurs and the entire species regularly pierced itself in exactly the same manner to mark their individuality and determination not to conform. The Diplodocus was actually a carnivore that rolled onto prey crushing them into mush and absorbing their juices through its bright orange fur. The spiked thumb of the Iguanodon caused it to blind itself accidentally a lot when removing sleepy dust from its eyes in the morning. The Ankylosaurus’ bone-plated hide and formidable clubbed tail rendered it too heavy to move and the adults gradually sank into the soil and suffocated. Kotasaurus had a permanent shifty look to it so it wasn’t trusted much by the other dinosaurs. The Triceratops’ head shape made it susceptible to high winds and many creatures were blown off mountains to their deaths during extreme sports events. The Hadrosaur’s bones expand after death thereby inflating its perceived size in the fossil record. Hadrosaurs were the size of peanuts. Stegosaurus had no sense of balance and fell over for no reason. The plates along its back helped to right it. Callovosaurus had natural rhythm but was tone deaf. Despite its tail, fins, and gills the Icthyosaur could not actually swim and walked along the sea bed, avoiding anemonae where possible because they scared it with their waving arms and such. The Rhabdodon had poor circulation and cold feet so nearly always wore socks. The Titanosaurus...
Space Shuttle Foam
Mankind is an innovative beast. Inventor of dynamite. Inventor of the rotary washing line. Inventor of the toilet roll holder. Hell, mankind even invented ceramic tiles powerful enough to withstand the intense heat of re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere from the very edge of space itself! Woo! But now … mankind has excelled himself … for mankind has invented the toughest material known to mankind, a material so imbued with mankindly strength that it gouges tears in ceramic heat shields and laughs about it afterwards. Ladies and gentlemen, mankind would like to present … Space Shuttle Foam eats ceramic tiles for breakfast and then spends the rest of the morning shitting out ceramic pellets covered in foam crap! And it does this all on a toilet bowl constructed from pure Space Shuttle Foam because no other toilet bowl will do. Tired of waiting for natural erosion to whittle down that mountain spoiling your view? Maybe you need to take things into your own hands and cut it down to size with a whittling axe made from the material so tough it simply didn’t care when Data died in Star Trek Nemesis. Just what is that material? Just joined Fight Club and found out your first match is against Mike Tyson and he’s foaming at the mouth? Yeah, I said "foaming". You’d stand a better chance if your flimsy human hands of skin and bones and knuckle hairs were replaced in the backstreets of Chile by specialists who do nothing but make replacement hands from the material that gives Chuck Norris nightmares and leaves his bed smelling urine-fresh most mornings. Is that material balsa wood? No, you moron. Are you an alien architect who’s just calculated the tidal stresses on your Type II Dyson Sphere project in the Virgo cluster and realised there’s a very good chance that astro-wicker may not actually have the tensile strength needed and there’s a good chance that interstellar warp-kittens will find themselves uncontrollably attracted to it and scratch it to pieces for no reason whatsoever? Oh, you should have approached NASA my nine-nosed friend. Only NASA can supply you with the miracle material that is so tough it decorates itself with cartoons of the prophet...
Top 5 One-Take Music Videos
A list of – in my opinion because it’s the only one that counts around here – the best music videos filmed in one take. Think of it as the Brian de Palma Music Video awards but try to hide the memory of Mission To Mars that surfaces if you do so. 5. DJ Format (ft. Abdominal) – Vicious Battle Raps This Ruben Fleischer-directed video shows Abdominal walking through downtown Los Angeles rapping to camera while the chaotic world behind him pretends it can’t see the strange man talking to himself. Technically there are some good things happening too; the different speed rates of the video sequences and the scale of the video shoot are pretty impressive. Of particular note in this video is the impressive pimp-walking by Abdominal; a lesson for any would-be pimp-walkers out there. Also, schoolgirls and a nurse in stockings! Oh yeah. 4. Lucas – Lucas With The Lid Off Director Michel Gondry has a unique approach to video-making; he usually utilises seven dimensions of space and three of time to visualise them. Sometimes the result is beautiful and uplifting. Those ones are ditched; nobody must see a beautiful and uplifting Gondry video! The keepers are the videos that hurt your mind in a good and a bad way at the same time. Lucas With The Lid Off is one of those videos that make you think both "Ooh, impressive set-ups and choreography" and "Only a madman could come up with this! A madman I tells ya!" 3. Die Krupps – To The Hilt Compared to the other videos listed, this particular one – by one of the earlier industrial bands I ever listened to, Die Krupps – is by far the simplest in terms of production. Its high rating, though, comes mainly from two elements: firstly, the video takes place in a toilet. A toilet! Would you ever see, say, George Michael perform in a toilet? Okay, bad example. Secondly, one of the cubicles includes a couple of old men in suits dancing with one another. You’d pay top dollar to see a show like that anywhere in the world and here it is in this video for free! Wowsers! 2. Smashing Pumpkins – Ava Adore One of my favourite videos of all time thanks to the feel and production of it features Billy Corgan in the midst of his Nosferatu period along with the other members of Smashing Pumpkins moving from set to set along both sides of a tracking camera. Great use of speed-changes, filled with just the right amount of pretentious shit to remind you it’s the Smashing Pumpkins, and it’s...
Sworn Affidavit Of Creamyhinge Buttwart
It was the third morning of the ninth day of Hugemember and I remember waking to the sight and sounds of a flock of Nudiehogs soaring across the crystal clear sky. It took but a few seconds for me to realise I wasn’t in my palace on the shores of the Dampflange Ocean as the roof I’ve chosen for this half-year is in the opaque style recommended by my favoured design magazine Just Palaces. Furthermore, the grey grass on which I was laying was sufficiently different from the Axminster-design Astroturf recently laid around my home as far as the upper eye can see for me to ascertain that I was probably still in the vicinity of the bars and restaurants of the old Semi-Hardonian quarter of Flashem City, around which I had been singing and drinking on most of the previous evenings of the preceding day. My loyal butler-toadfrog Timbo was also stirring as I staggered to my feet which was unusual as his tolerance for tri-alcohol is so poor as to typically require hospital treatment or body regeneration. I concluded that our drinks must have been spiked and we had fallen into unconsciousness earlier than expected at Bar No-Nads. I have a standing agreement with the bar owner, Ankleflakes Lubedup, that in order to avoid embarrassment and risk losing his licence he should simply dump us away from the premises in the event that we become too intoxicated to fight him off. While I now wonder angrily at who would have messed with another man’s drink in such a manner I confess that my brains were rather more spongey on that particular morning and with Timbo wheeling himself along as best he could I instead simply set off towards home using the peaks of Mount Sidewaysforfun as a reference point. In time we reached Flashem City and entered through the wallgate in the Port Sector. It was busy as the third morning had officially concluded and the pre-afternoon was on the verge of ditching its pre status in favour of none at all. I do not know which street we were in as the Port Sector is one I more often avoid thanks to its violent and seedy reputation clashing with my own. Nevertheless, the walk had cleared my minds and I took in the scenery with all my senses at full clarity. A market vendor was selling sweet-smelling Crotch fruit which was purchased and I spent some time being entertained by a puppeteer retelling the tale of Queen Spikedlabia Grunt And The Poisoned Mingepie. Scruffy children, no doubt from a Port Sector public school nearby, were equally...
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