Dog Planet Movie News
New Release! Borzoiz N The Hood (12) Dog-on-dog crime is at an all-time high. The spread of rabies in the ghettos is so extensive that the government turns a blind eye to it now. It’s against this bleak backdrop that we first meet the main group of characters in the film – Litter Tre, BowWowBoy, Chrissy, Ricky, Doggie, and Monster – as pups. In a tough neighbourhood only Litter Tre escapes the inherent violence and late-night barking at shadows for no reason. The bulk of the movie takes place many years later and tackles many social talking points such as poverty, education, and licking one’s testicles in public. Fans of action won’t be disappointed though as gangs feature heavily. Even Litter Tre chooses to run with the pack in order to seek vengeance on a murder and you won’t be able to help yourself wonder if the cycle of hate can ever be broken. Former Mutts With Attitude rapper Rice Rube puts in a compelling and believable performance as BowWowBoy and Angela Bassett Hound shines in her role as Litter Tre’s mum. Coming Soon! Where Beagles Dare Classic wartime novel "Where Beagles Dare" looks set to be turned into a film later this year after all. Regular readers will remember that studio executives have been locked in negotiations with author Goodboy Maclean for several years now over his insistence on creative control for the movie. Thankfully some backroom butt-sniffing finally seems to have put a seal on the deal and cinemagoers should be able to look forward to the big screen version of the wartime epic late in 2008. The story is that a team of Beagle commandos must parachute into catzi Germany near the end of World War 2, infiltrate the headquarters of the Siamese Service, and either rescue or kill a captured American Foxhound with full knowledge of the upcoming D-Day invasion. But things aren’t quite what they seem. Veteran actors Richard Bullmastiff and Clint East Siberian Laika are rumoured to have already signed on. Movie Of The Week! Weekend At St Bernard’s (PG) The drop-dead comedy makes its way to DVD this week and earns our coveted "Movie Of The Week" award. The basic premise of the film is that Larry (Spaniel McCarthy) and Richard (Rottweiler Silverdog) are a couple of young executives trying to make it big in their dog-eat-dog corporate world through a combination of hard work and slobbering charm. After taking details of a financial irregularity to their boss Bernie they are invited to his beachfront doghouse. Bernie wants them killed but ends up getting whacked by a hitmutt instead. To avoid being...
Humans Came From Bears
Darwin got evolution spot-on – you got a problem with that then you take it up with Richard Dawkins my friend. Well, almost spot-on. Please don’t hit me Mister Dawkins sir. You see, humans evolved not from apes as we’ve all been led to believe, but rather from bears. Oh yes. Riddle me this: what has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, a raincoat and a jar of marmalade in the evening, and a pair of wellies at night? I think I’ve made my...
Dear Work Colleagues
Dear Work Colleagues, I have conducted a survey of our place of employment using the awesome power of my eyes and arrived at the conclusion that many of you do not know how to treat the workplace correctly or you have deliberately set out on a path to annoy me. If the former should be the case then this open letter to you may help you to become a better work colleague through not being killed in a tonsilectomy/bludgeoning-style rampage. If, instead, the latter is true then hark these words: I have a broken spoon in my top desk drawer and I am this close to gouging somebody’s tonsils out and battering him or her about the head with them until death rescues that person from my furious onslaught. The Kitchen The kettle in the kitchen has been designed with a handy see-through section down one side adorned with numbers and letters. Far from being decorative as several of you clearly assume, these markings instead form a deceptively simple yet remarkably smart way of determining whether the kettle has enough water in it for 2, 4, 6, 8, or 10 cups. The 10-cup indicator is actually the small word ‘MAX’ you see at the top of the kettle. How to use the kettle: if you are making a cup of coffee then fill the kettle to just under the number 2. If you are making a cup of coffee each for you and another work colleague then fill it to the number 2. And so on up to 10. The number of people having coffee bears a direct correlation to the number on the side of the kettle to which it should be filled with water. It’s ingenious. How not to use the kettle: I don’t care who it is but whoever it is that keeps filling the kettle beyond the ‘MAX’ level, making himself one cup of coffee, then refilling the kettle to beyond the ‘MAX’ level once more leaving me the choice of pouring out over 9 cups worth of water or wait twenty minutes for the damn thing to boil is on the fast track to meeting Mr Spoon. Stop it. The kitchen floor shares many traits with floors the world over in that it is a solid mass designed to support other solid masses – objects and people – and stop said solid masses – objects and people – from falling through to the centre of the planet where all the dinosaurs are hiding. It is not – and I must stress this – a handy place to spill milk and leave it there. The...
Dangerous Things
The world is full of danger and dangerous things abound. Sometimes the dangerous things abound and then slither about a bit. You think they’re not dangerous but bam! Yep, you’ve just been endangered alright. Dangerous man. Luckily the world is also full of doctors with nothing better to do than warn us of the dangers of dangerous things. Hoorah for the danger doctors! Music players in ‘lightning risk’ "Doctors in Vancouver, Canada, have warned that people who wear portable media players during a storm could be putting themselves at risk … [some twat] who was jogging in a storm, suffered burns to his chest and on his leg where he was wearing the player. Doctors say the man’s sweat and metal earphones helped channel the current. Medical experts say electronic devices, such as music players or mobile phones, on their own do not attract lightning." During a lull in discovering the cure for AIDS, you’ll be pleased to know that doctors have also discovered that: wearing jewellery, counting coins, fiddling with keys in your pocket, being crowned Miss World, flying a kite with a copper wire, and becoming entangled in a Slinky while jogging in a storm are also risky, poking sharks in the eyes and severing your wrist while in the ocean should be avoided, it is dangerous to warm your bath water with the toaster, that label that says "Aim away from face" on nail guns is there for a reason, ripping open your shirt to reveal sausages painted red and strapped to your chest whilst shouting "Allahu akhbar!" on internal flights in the United States is generally considered to carry a heightened risk of death, the old pop-an-eye-out-with-a-spoon trick should be left to the medical profession and torturers only to prevent long-term damage, windows in movies are made from sugar glass and break easily. Your window is more often made from real glass and it’s you who breaks easily, it is foolhardy to test any hypothesis concerning your arm and a woodchipper machine, there is significant peril attached to wearing a blindfold to surprise yourself when driving, dressing up as a dog and running at a pride of lions barking while on safari can be hazardous to your health, eating things from the fridge that have recently developed the ability to move is unwise, vowing to be the best ever Human Torch at this year’s Halloween carries considerable risk of harm, attempting to halt an oncoming train with the power of your mind may put your life in jeopardy, Courtney Love is still at...
Pretentious Book Reviews: Mr Tickle
In Mr Tickle the author Roger Hargreaves first introduces us to his fictional world living under the ethereal real world we inhabit, a place where names make the person. This is a tip of the hat towards our own past and the surnames that were in use in medieval times – a writing technique designed to anchor us in the mythos of the book immediately -, but ultimately Hargreaves is striding towards something far more sinister and encourages the readers to consider the corrupting and binding power of words on a complacent society when they correlate Mr Tickle’s name and his actions. Mr Tickle himself is a rather joyful person on the surface as you would surmise from his name. Yet Hargreaves is deliberately lulling the reader into a false sense of security. The Tickle character is a hedonist who derives pleasure from inflicting pleasure. Again, our first instinct is to find this a noble act but we soon learn through the victims of Tickle that too much of a good thing is ultimately bad. When the story starts we find out that Mr Tickle is also slothful. Hargreaves considers pleasure and indolence to go hand-in-hand. The author is trying to warn generations of readers by describing the wastefulness of living in blind bliss without simply using the words themselves; this is a return to the author’s cautionary approach to their power and danger. This subversive, subliminal indoctrination technique is used throughout the entire Mr Men series and is indicative of Hargreaves’ genuine concern for society tempered with authoritarianism borne of the era in which he grew up. The disturbing issue of rape appears in the novel over and over again as a metaphor. We can clearly surmise that Hargreaves equates the spread of the corruption he fears so much with physical molestation. Mr Tickle’s rape scenes take the form of inappropriate handling of the people he meets and it is revealing to examine the sorts of people who Hargreaves sees as victims here. The teacher, policeman, and doctor all represent powerful, friendly figures in our lives and we see that they are no match for Tickle. The station guard and policemen are people we trust for protection, the teacher is a person we trust with our children, we trust the doctor with our lives, the greengrocer and butcher with feeding us, and yet all these people are powerless against the long reach of Tickle. A clearer message of how words have power and laziness penetrates all barriers. And yet in a final masterful twist we also discover the postman – the bearer of communications – is also susceptible....
Where Does Rain Come From?
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides. Where does rain come from? Rain comes from clouds, the grey and white bits in the sky that aren’t seagulls. Just like seagulls, clouds eject liquid excretions through their bottoms. Cloud excrement is called rain. Seagull excrement is called there’s fucking bird shit all over my car again, have they got a fucking map that tells them where I’ve parked?, bastards. What do clouds eat and drink? When anything in nature consumes something else it takes the nutrients it can and the rest – the waste – is dumped. Your waste is formed from hamburgers, artichokes, and Singapore Slings, for example, and is called wee-wee and number twos. Clouds eat the flesh from passengers on board planes struck by lightning – all of which is subsumed and used by the clouds to feed its fluffy neural network of rage. Clouds also absorb water when the liquid evaporates, which it retains until it is accused of being fat; this is then rained upon you. What is evaporation? Evaporation is the natural process where water molecules fight off the force of gravity and fly to a better life in space. In their natural state water molecules clump together for warmth – making them heavy – but it doesn’t work very well. Water is cold-blooded. However, if water is split apart or once it warms up it’s every molecule for itself and nothing can stop those babies from spreading their wings and soaring. Nothing except clouds that is. For over three years leading scientists have maintained that the bulk of water evaporates from the sea to avoid high salt in its diet, flies over mountains, and lands on the plains in lakes which leak through the Earth into ocean pipes. They call this the water cycle. This is clearly preposterous though – the sea contains mostly low sodium salt making it relatively healthy – and rain experts now suspect that the three main causes of water evaporation are: Footballers’ Spit · No other sport produces quite so much spitting as football; no, not even International Gobbing On Germans. Stepping on the field requires a great big wad of phlegm at the feet. Stretching exercises double that. When the actual match starts every other step transforms the pitch into a fountain display of spittle. Studs on the boots of footballers act to break down the pools of cooling liquid on the grass over the course of ninety minutes and the saliva vapour then escapes upwards to avoid being crushed under an excessive goal-celebration man-sandwich. Footballers’ spit accounts for...
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