Supermarkets For Beginners
Are you a student living away from mummy and daddy for the first time? Are you a dusky foreign type unfamiliar with all the ways of western civilisation? Are you a country bumpkin recently moved to the bright lights of the big city? Are you unsure about Supermarket Etiquette? Then this guide is for you! What Is A Supermarket? A supermarket is simply a corner shop – such as you would find in the north of England – with a few notable differences: it’s bigger, it’s rarely on the corner, more than two children are permitted in the store at one time. The supermarket is laid out in a number of aisles with similar products situated next to one another to stop everyone going crazy trying to find things. Canned goods, clothing, electronics, drinks, frozen food, meat, vegetables, flowers, bread, sample counters trying to offload the cabbage-flavoured biscuits that aren’t selling as well as projected, bathroom and kitchen supplies: all these and more are stacked high and sold cheap(ish) at the supermarket. Trolleys Americans call them carts but Americans spell aluminium wrongly so it’s best not to listen to them and refer to them as trolleys. Trolleys are the wire contraptions on wheels that you push ahead of you while shopping in the supermarket. By walking down the aisles and selecting items from the shelves and cabinets to either side of you, then placing those items in the trolley, you reduce the need to juggle your shopping and the appearance of hernias. With four wheels and the ability to travel backwards and forwards and turn corners you could be mistaken for thinking that manoeuvring a trolley is a lot like driving a car. But it’s not. Here are the differences: when approaching a junction: car: slow down, stop, look all ways, advance if clear, trolley: chaaaarrrggggge!, when pulling out from a stationary position: car: mirrors, signal, manoeuvre if clear, trolley: chaaaarrrggggge!, There are also accepted rules of conduct when performing basic shopping tasks using your trolley: when browsing for or selecting an item from the shelf it is sometimes not possible to take your trolley with you. To make sure that other shoppers realise you haven’t simply abandoned your shopping to rot you must leave the trolley at a jaunty 45 degree angle across the centre of the aisle. This indicates that the trolley is still in use and that the owner is somewhere nearby and further prevents other shoppers from blocking off your return to the trolley, a source of stress you want to avoid!, if part of the aisle is blocked off by another trolley or a...
Simile City
I’m not a morning person. Never have been. I wake up like everyone else and I go to my office but the morning passes in a blur. I need coffee and cigarettes to get me out of my waking sleep. Alcohol too if it’s available. Sure, I sit at my desk and wait for clients like every other dick but nobody gets my full service and winning smile until the afternoon. Late afternoon. Everyone knows that. It doesn’t stop bums coming in off the street while the sun’s still low every now and then though. Like this guy. He’s wet and dripping all over my floor. I’m not worried because it’s been dripped on before. It’s always raining in the city. That’s a decent overcoat he’s wearing and the hat looks new. The water’s running off the felt in a stream onto my floorboards and making one heck of a racket. You’d think he could have shook himself dry on the way up to the office but I guess some people just have no manners. It’s hard to work up the enthusiasm to enter into conversation with inconsiderate bums like this and, besides, it’s morning so I let him shake himself dry and pat himself down while I draw on my cigarette and finger the rim of my coffee mug. He’s looking at me now. Probably wondering why he picked me. I’m wondering that too but I’m a halfway decent detective and I’m already detecting a few things about him now that his coat is unbuttoned and I’ve got a good look at his shoes. "You Rick Rake the private dick?" Hey! He broke the silence. Good going. I nod back by way of reply and then add "And you’re a cop. Hooray, we all know one another." "Your dour and dry demeanour is deserved I see," he says, lowering himself into my client chair. He’s getting it wet but I’m trying not to notice. "Well, I don’t know you but I’m betting you’re known as Inspector Alliteration." It gets a wry smile from him which is good. Those angry cops who fly off the handle at the slightest jibe can be real painful to work with and I really don’t work well in the mornings. "You been using any similes in your inner monologue this morning Rake?" That stops me. It’s not your usual opening sentence and I’m not entirely sure what to say; not a good thing for someone in my profession. I try to hide my surprise my putting on my thinking face. It looks like he’s buying it. I think back. "You know what? I...
Zombie Denver’s Halloween Flying Tips
Hi friends! It’s almost that time of year again when the air is filled with people flying here, there, and everywhere. And I’m not just talking about witches on broomsticks or warlocks in their microlights; everyday folk just like you and me like to get away from it all too around Halloween. Why? Because nobody likes sitting indoors with the lights off hoping the trick-or-treaters will leave them alone. Of course, flying has never been more dangerous. Unless we count the early days of aviation when planes were made from granite and runways were called cliffs. But we don’t. So, in time for the celebration of all things ghoulish, I thought I’d pop along and make sure you take note of some important flying tips this year. Y’all be careful up there! If the Big Boppa’s name is on the passenger list I’d wait for the next plane. During explosive decompression breathe out; the reduction in pressure differential may help prevent your eyeballs from blowing out through the window. Small, crying children can be a real nuisance but sick bags are non-porous and great at stifling the noise. You should count the number of seats between the exit and where you are sitting so that you can escape more easily should the plane crash and become filled with thick, choking smoke. Other passengers will count the number of seats between the exit and where they are sitting to facilitate their escape from the plane should it crash and become filled with thick, choking smoke too. To improve your chances over them in an emergency take a fake seat headrest in your hand luggage and use it to keep your exit row clear. Long plane flights can be boring. With a group of friends try to guess who the Air Marshall is. Once you’ve all picked your man let the most swarthy member of your group stand up and shout "Allahu Akbar!" Happy guessing! An altimeter is invaluable if you’re to avoid becoming merely a member of the seven eighths of a mile-high club. If you’re worried by deep vein thrombosis then don’t board a plane you whiny dumbass. Be careful when asking if you can see the cockpit as 88% of male air stewards are flambuoyant homosexuals. Worried that you won’t be able to smuggle your complicated, chemical-based bomb on board? Don’t panic! The drinks trolley has everything you need to create a number of Molotov Cocktails which will have about the same effect and keep your carry-on luggage to a minimum. Learn morse code before you fly and continually kick messages into the seat in front to see...
That Phunny Pharmacy
Boys and girls, are you in for an hilarious treat!?! Yes! It’s another fabulous, hilarious, brand new comic strip featuring everyone’s favourite – and hilarious – characters: Senor Pig-Head and The Boy Tentacle!...
More Uncut Bible
Congressmen stalk teenage boys! Countries threaten nuclear tests! Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games! Gunmen really have it in for schools! In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended. "These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’" Mark 6:8-11 "And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish." Ezra 4:7 "In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working." 2 Chronicles 3:10-13 "When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’ When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they...
Abbey National Bank Charges
I’m not a customer of the Abbey National Bank. I’ve heard so many bad things about the company that it would just never cross my mind to trust my money with them. In the list of things more preferable to being a customer at that particular banking institution I might include: umbrella up the backside … then opened, an evening with anybody who has ever appeared on Blind Date, employment as Marc Almond’s stomach-scrubber. Of course, the reason I know that Abbey’s reputation as a business among many customers fluctuates between "Should have borrowed from the Mafia" and "Bless ’em! They employ the mentally crippled!" is because I have access to the internet. Now let’s take my father: my father does bank with the Abbey National. Oh noes!!1! He doesn’t have any of the internets! Yes, I’m afraid he trusted his earnings to them. And – just like so many other account holders – he’s probably been overcharged by the bank. Probably. We don’t know for sure because – and you’ll like this – it appears the Abbey National Bank are incapable of telling him. They know, of course, one way or the other. They just can’t seem to part with this really quite useful information. In the U.K. we have something called the Data Protection Act. It’s an act of law designed to protect data. One of the things it does is obligate any holders of data about an individual to divulge that data within 40 days of requesting for a nominal, maximum charge of £10. If you ask for your data – your charges over the last five years, for example – from your bank then they MUST give you that data within 40 days AND you can’t be charged more than £10 for the privilege. I thought I’d make that clear. It seems clear to me. Maybe it does to you. To the employees and management at Abbey it would appear that this is too complicated to grasp. Let’s talk about my father again: he’s ill. Nothing major but – and this is quite important – it’s the sort of illness that is affected by, among other things, stress. Dealing with a bank – any bank – can be stressful. When it comes to dealing with the Abbey National, though, Mogadon users turn green, rip their shirts off, and smash things into pulpy messes. If only they’d smash the executives into pulpy messes! Wishful thinking. This post is simply an informative (perhaps) insight into how Abbey operates (if you’re not an Abbey customer then please accept my hearty congratulations and you might want to browse somewhere...
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