MySpace
MySpace is big – really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think Google Chile is big, but that’s just peanuts to MySpace. I’ve been looking around MySpace – not all of it because it’s quite big – and even set up a page linked from the menu "just because". And there are a lot of things wrong with MySpace. For a big, popular site it has a lot of flaws. Big things are more likely to have flaws, of course, but big and popular things with flaws are also more likely to have those flaws identified. And fixed? No. Extended Network Apparently, everyone everywhere who has ever lived is in my extended network. Are you in my extended network? I don’t recall inviting you to get in there. Begone! Well, maybe I just don’t get the extended network feature of MySpace. Perhaps it’s because every profile I visit has something in common with me. Let’s just hit random numbers into the profile pages until we find … a 19 year old, Trinidad and Tobagan girl, non-drinking Christian, poetry-fan, who likes Ginuwine, the film ‘Sherk’ (?), and lists God as a hero. Yep, she’s in my extended network too. Conclusion: The MySpace Extended Network Experience™ needs some explaining. Browse Here’s a nifty little tool that allows you to stalk people near your house. Okay, I’ll see who lives near me … Browse For … Both. Because I’ll stalk anyone. Between Ages … 18 and 45. There’s no sport in stalking in the over-45s because they simply cannot run fast enough. Where’s the fun in that? Who Are … Single, Married, Divorced, or In A Relationship. No Swingers. They’re the sort who stalk back. And Are Here For … Dating, Relationships, Networking, or Friends. It’s all good. Located Within … United Kingdom. I like to stalk on home territory. Postal Code … 5 miles from PO2 7JG. That’s my postal code. 5 miles is a fair distance. Show Only Users Who Have Photos. Can you imagine the shame of stalking the wrong person? Kicked out of Stalk Club for sure. Okay, hit the ‘Update’ button and … 3000 people and … well, that’s strange. There are some people here who I wouldn’t expect to be within 5 miles of my postcode. Oh, I see! The postcode reads ‘PO27’ and not ‘PO2 7JG’ as I typed. I’ll change that and press ‘Update’ and … PO27. Right. Okay, I’ll try just ‘PO2’ then and ‘Update’ and … 0 people in your network met the search criteria. The little area of Portsmouth in which...
Vegetables
As a proud member of The Omnivore Society (Estd. 1 Million B.C.) I like to eat both meat and vegetables (not a euphemism). I’m not one of those crazy anti-nature freaks who refuse to tear off chunks of animal flesh and wolf it down like God or God’s dad intended. A great meal for me is one that contains reasonably even portions of "stuff that was in the ground among the worms and the poo" and "stuff that was walking around contemplating existence and wondering what that man with the strange-looking buzzing thing in his hand walking towards it was doing" until very recently. Vegetarians (no meat) or the more conservative vegans (no meat or animal by-products) or the ultra-conservatives vehs (just sprouts) are a strange and incomprehensible bunch. By omitting meat from their diets they are doing irreparable harm to their spleen and tibula (source: a doctor), defying Mother Nature and risking her penchant for a smiting hurricane, and, most importantly, punishing their tastebuds. Why? What did your tastebuds do to you? Vegetables – as proved in a scientific laboratory – have only two distinct tastes to impart to a vegetable-devourer: "no taste at all" and "tastes like vegetables". The mix of these two tastes determines the overall difference between the types of vegetables. The richness of variety in meat is lost and vegetarians are worse off because of it. Nevertheless, vegetarians are an abundant sub-species and we who would openly and rightfully mock them should first understand more about their lifestyles. For those who don’t consider vegetables a mere addition to a richer meal just what is it about the various non-meats that they find so appealing? Let’s take an in-depth look at three of the most-favoured vegetables of these odd people. Carrots Appearance: Conical with imagination, with colours varying from dayglo orange to off-white with a hint of sundried satsuma. Information: Wherever rabbits go there you’ll find carrots as, like flowers and bees, the two have evolved to symbiotically require one another for pollenation (for the carrots) and looking cool (for the rabbits). Chewing on grass still makes rabbits look fairly cool but not as cool as carrots. It’s probably something to do with the thickness and the colour. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you. Carrots range in size from a couple of centimetres in length up to about a metre or so. Obviously, the small ones are the baby carrots and they tend to be the more orangey as their skin has had less time to sag and wrinkle with the ravages of time. They are rarely taken from the wild and are instead...
Awful Music Videos
This is a post about awful music videos. The good thing about the rise in streaming video sites these days – apart from the increased exposure of the world to the inanity of teenagers with webcams – is that this particular post can not only talk about music videos that are truly, desperately terrible, it can link to them as well. Hell! It can embed them! What a wondrous age we live in! Let’s get on with it … The Buggles – Living In The Plastic Age Really quite probable video pitch: "I’m drawn to the word plastic. I’m thinking: plastic! And lots of it! And rubber gloves!" "Rubber gloves? They’re not plastic." "Trust me, they’ll look plastic on film. And it’s futurey, just like the whole idea of the song: living in the plastic age. Futurey." "It’s about modern living, not future living." "Futurey living." "Ookaayy. Look, fine, plastic sounds good. What else?" "You’ve used sparklers to frighten old people at Halloween, right? Picture this: superimposed sparklers using seamless blue screen technology! That’s an expensive special effect. Very futurey." "Superimposed sparklers and special effects are two phrases that don’t go together. Fine. I guess we can afford it. That all?" "I’ve got a job lot of tinted safety goggles. Can let you use them in the video for cost." "Why?" Shakin’ Stevens – You Drive Me Crazy Official record of video idea discussion: "Look ‘ere boyo! I’m sick and tired of being portrayed as someone grannies love. I want a harder edge. I want danger! I want class! I want people to envy me and say ‘Oh, that Shaky! He’s so rugged and hunky!’ Do I make myself clear?" "Okay. Try this: glamorous women all over the place! Not a granny in sight!" "I like it! Can we afford it?" "Photos of glamorous women all over the place!" "That sounds cost effective. That’s the style taken care of. What about the rough, chiselled edge?" "The story to this is: you’re a house intruder! Maybe a mansion intruder!" "That does sound scary and manly. Boys you’ve excelled yourself! Anything else?" "Steve Davis is very popular. I think we can work a snooker table into the video storyline somewhere." "I feel a number one coming on!" Sister Sledge – Frankie Let’s transport ourselves back to whenever the hell they thought up this awful video idea: "Listen girls, long-lost, forgotten love … I like it, it’s what I would have come up with. We’re thinking along the same lines. That’s good. But … harassing someone at every stage to try to get them to remember you? That’ll be a little tough...
Time Travel Tips
We asked for your greatest tips for budding time travellers and you didn’t disappoint! Before You Go Research and wear appropriate clothing for the right time period. Multi-coloured prosthetic horns and plus-fours are popular now but I know for certain that they can panic the Aztecs. Juanita Boscovar, Mexican Imperial City Don’t take your address book on your trip. Everyone you know will be dead or won’t have existed yet and you will sink into a fugue should you become stranded and reminded constantly of this fact. Charlie Whimple, Cardiff Dig out a photograph of your mother or father when they were young and burn the image into your mind. Do not sleep with them. Don’t even kiss them. Ferdinand Rapscallion, Tunbridge Wells Check the labels on your clothing! Polyester is highly combustible during temporal insertion ionisation and screaming, burning, naked people do not make great first impressions. Juanita Boscovar, Mexican Imperial City There’s no need to worry about cancelling the milk before you leave as you can cancel it after you come back before you leave instead. Jeb Hologram-Jones, Cloud City Gamma Use an AI machine to extrapolate the elderly appearance of any future brothers and sisters. Do not molest them while they are in nursing homes. Ferdinand Rapscallion, Tunbridge Wells Always take out paradox insurance before you leave as you never can tell when the slightest change you make will rupture the temporal causality loop foolish human. Insur-O-Bot 3F, International Insurance Space Station Attend a finishing school and learn to walk and talk properly before travelling otherwise you may become immortalised as "that bumbling Hispanic twit from the future". Juanita Boscovar, Mexican Imperial City Health And Safety Take your own powdered water when travelling to the past as all the water supplies on Earth were riddled with caterpillars until the insect plague in 2209. Lord Terry, Nova Scotia If bitten by a Tarkesian Moon Wasp during Earth Invasion 3 pour ginger beer on the wound. It is as effective as more expensive remedies and you can whip up a Moscow Mule at the same time. Cheryl Wang, Moonbase Chekov Group sex with monkeys is safe now but apparently it wasn’t always the case so ask before you inadvertently spread a worldwide disease. Ferdinand Rapscallion, Tunbridge Wells People who look identical to you but with goatee beards are not necessarily evil twins and may be simply drunk versions of yourself from the future playing pranks so take a moment before stabbing them in the face. One-eyed Walter, Ward 6 Always take out invisible microbial necrosis insurance before you leave as ancient records may have omitted their presence in...
Flat People
Thanks to the Boston Globe I’ve recently learnt that guard families cope in two dimensions and that’s made me happy. I thought I’d pass on my happy to you. Revel in the joy of knowing that families of national guardsmen and women can now deal with certain facets of life using one whole dimension less than normal people. "Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones. But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they’re even closer. Welcome to the ‘Flat Daddy’ and ‘Flat Mommy’ phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home. The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front. ‘I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket,’ said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. ‘The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I’ve tricked several people by that. They think he’s home again.’" Oh, Kay, you wheeze! This sort of coping has its drawbacks. For very young children there will be an inevitable attachment drawn to promotional displays at Blockbusters or cinemas that will cause problems in later life. Further, there’s always the increasingly likely possibility of the actual loved one not being able to return from the tour abroad. Grieving at the loss is one thing; trust me when I say that feeding the 2D replica into a shredder in front of the child only multiplies the trauma. I’ve got a better way of "coping" with loved ones serving abroad; you take an actual Donald Rumsfeld or a real George W. Bush or a yes that’s the smarmy shit all right Tony Blair – not some cardboard replica – and you pummel it about the face until the hard, white bony bits are as gelatinous as the grey, gooey bits mixed in with the red, viscous bits. Guaranteed 125% More Cope Or Your Money Back! Of course, substitutes such as these flat parental units have been used for years in various situations. I’ve heard nothing but good things about Fleshlights for example. So, with dimensionally-deficient duplicates here to stay where else can we expect to see constituents of the compressed community in the near future? Sporting Events Injuries and suspensions are commonplace in sports and – most of the time – teams have enough...
The Spider Conspiracy
I am an arachnophobe. My other half is an arachnophobe. We are arachnophobes. This means we are frequently paralysed with fear when spiders intrude into our lives. And they intrude a lot. We would like to be rid of spiders. We accept that there is a possibility of Aargh! Too Many Flies Syndrome exploding across the face of the planet but we welcome that and are prepared to cross that bridge when it comes to pass. Armed with a big swat. We have ventured into garden centres and examined the shelves along the aisles. You can buy: fly killer, slug killer, ant killer, cockroach killer, rodent poison, anti-toad turrets, Butterfly-B-Gone commandable toxic clouds, portable snail oubliettes, Quicksand-4-Beetles spray. There is nothing to get rid of spiders. Let me clarify: there is not a single thing in any stores we visit that will attack the one thing more people are afraid of than anything else on the entire planet. It is a conspiracy. The spiders are pulling the webs that bind us all behind the scenes. "Ooh! But, but, but Mark, how can you be scared of something so tiny?" That’s a good question, and while I ponder on an appropriate answer please lick this petri dish of ebola viruses, which, incidentally, don’t have eight eyes or fangs. "Ooh! But, but, but, but Mark, spiders are more scared of you than you are of them!" Really? Picture this: I’m wandering around and suddenly see a vast building towering into the clouds clearly made by non-humans. Wow! I venture inside. The interior is strange, alien but it is as nothing compared to the inhabitant. He is huge, hundreds of feet high, a monster. He has eight legs; huge, long, hairy things. And a bulbous body with eyes – eight of them! – arranged at the front. Beneath is the mouth; a terrifying orifice from which protrude great, fearsome fangs. I know! I’ll run across the floor at him! Spiders are not more scared of me than I am of them. They are vicious, nasty, scary thingies. The myth of their supposed timid state is being perpetuated by those in league with the spider overlords. Why are there so many arachnophobes in the world? Are nurses instructed to terrorise newly born babies with spiders for control purposes? Or is there some species memory at work here? And why wouldn’t my cat defend me the other night while I was watching Die Hard 2 for the hundredth time? Was I just the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time? How do spiders too large to fit through any gaps in...
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