An interview with Dr Brian Cox
Dr Brian Cox, doctor, may be recognisable to a great many of you who picture things in their minds when they hear noises and who were listening to Radio 4 in the UK in the evenings in January as the man who presented the three-part series titled "In Einstein’s Shadow" which may or may not have been about a time-travelling dog in a DeLorean. For the remaining 103% of you who didn’t catch those programmes Dr Brian Cox is a physicist who likes it high energy-style, works anywhere there’s a particle accelerator handy, and has appeared on television when complicated science is required and traditional bald, bearded, tweedy men might be considered a tad off-putting. I collided with Dr Brian Cox recently (that’s a particle physics joke there, feel free to use it) and got to ask him a few questions about his work, his aspirations, his thoughts on the creation of the universe, his greatest achievement in the field of physics, and the meaning of life itself. Sadly, most or all of those questions didn’t make the cut. ME: Dr Brian Cox – or may I call you Brian? – I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? BRIAN: Please do call me Brian, Mark, but, if you don’t mind, could we perhaps keep the questioning related to my work in the field of physics? ME: Of course. Let me try again: I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? Neutrino? BRIAN: Well, we were supporting Jimmy at the time and I believe we were in Newcastle. Late 1988 I think. I can’t remember the name of the hotel but let me tell you this: mirrors on both sides of the bathroom! Luxury! You could look in one and see a reflection and a reflection of a reflection and so on. In fact I tried an experiment there by waving and seeing how long it would be before the most distant reflection waved back – it was a test of the speed of light and how drunk I was – but some of the reflections didn’t wave at all and I got scared. That’s when I knew I’d never watch Poltergeist 3 again. And the towels were really fluffy. Stole two. ME: You’re from Oldham. Now,...
How to be a DJ
I was blessed with the pure joy of attending a surprise 50th birthday party over the weekend. It was the usual affair: groups of people who didn’t know one another singularly not mingling – for that is the British way! – in a church hall decorated with balloons and amusing photographs from across the decades of the to-be-surprised victim interspersed among the various drawings of nightmares by children from the local school who use the church hall on a more regular basis. Posters on the walls depicted kids jumping next to the word ‘Jump’, hopping next to the word ‘Hop’, sitting next to the word ‘Sit’, and setting fire to the substitute teacher next to the word ‘Arson’. Education has come on a way since I was at school. There was a smell in the air that was at once both endearing – since it was so distinctly the very smell of school from childhood – and revolting – since my imagination concluded the chair I was sitting on may have been used my some six year-old who’d peed himself just the week before. Food was buffet-style and consisted mostly of crisps and nuts. There may have been quiche too but I was loathe to lift the foil on the plate next to the plastic cups and discover if this was so. Being a church hall and therefore an establishment lacking a bar this was also a "bring your own bottle" event; carrier bags that had ported inside them bottles of Jack Daniels or generic gin, or boxes of wine, or packs of cans of bitter were dotted under every table just out of the way of the small clearing space in the room centre allocated for the spectacle of "dancing". In essence it was an occasion done on the cheap, which is no terrible thing in this modern climate of terrorists on every corner and mass redundancies by text message and squirrels with murderous intent in their eyes in the corner of the bedroom. But, the organisers had splashed out for a DJ! Being raised a strict non-mingler Catholic and knowing approximately 1% of the people in attendance I was granted the time to sit back and observe what it is to be a DJ. All your Fatboy Slims and your Paul Oakenfolds and your Jazzy Jeffs had to start somewhere before they earned any respect and that place was DJing a mobile disco at a party, or a wedding, or a funeral, or a Christmas function, or a bar or bat mitzvah. With my dream of being ridiculously rich and not having to work for a living...
Pictures of Lady Sovereign
If there’s one thing that writing my Pictures Of Jentina article back in June of 2004 has taught me it’s that I’m not that bad at optimising my site and content in order to draw people in, people like to see pictures of celebrities (artistic licence for use of the word "celebrities";bear with me), and children these days are uncapable of spelling. Okay, that’s three things. And uncapable was deliberate. Anyway, hot on the heels of that Jentina post (or nearly a year later if you want to get all technical and accurate about it) comes the next in my thrilling series: Pictures Of Semi-Famous People ‘N’ 100% True Facts ‘N’ Stuff. It was a difficult choice selecting a new beneficiary for this series but in the end I chose Lady Sovereign. There were a number of reasons why I chose Lady Sovereign but the main one was an attempt to stop people still leaving comments on the Jentina article: it’s been eleven months people! Stop it already! I know most of you couldn’t spell if your life depended on it but I was harbouring a small hope that you knew what dates were, what they looked like, and in what approximate order they tended to appear. So, on with this entry where I’ve promised to show Lady Sovereign pictures and reveal information about the diminutive singer never before revealed or even made up! FACT: Lady Sovereign was raised by a family of magicians in London’s beautiful ghetto of Wembley. A fully paid-up member of the magic circle to this day, she uses many of the tricks she has been taught from an early age to distract and entertain people, the most notable being always standing behind a convex lens to appear larger than her true 2’7" frame. FACT: Lady Sovereign and Jentina are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, shellsuits versus tracksuits, Wiley-Kit versus Wiley-Kat, Knight Rider versus Are You Being Served? They meet every Saturday night and wrestle in mud with razor blade-studded mittens but nobody is allowed to watch. I have a secret video though but it makes me feel funny when I watch it and I couldn’t possibly share it with a stranger. FACT: Although she is not allowed to drive a car for security reasons (and because boxes strapped to the feet, while amusing in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, are frowned upon by Her Majesty’s traffic police), Lady Sovereign is permitted to take her fleet of dirigibles out whenever she wants. Last year she fell through a timehole above Harrods and helped to defend London...
Necrophilia for beginners
The U.S. Government is spending an awful lot of money telling people that happy, healthy sex can only come from not experiencing it, not talking about it, and not wondering until it’s too late whether the person you’ve married with no genitalia and a fixation for thrusting his/her fist up your back passage because apparently that’s what Jesus did may not have been, with hindsight, a mistake of epic, tissue-tearing, and kidney-damaging proportions. Abstinence-only is the name of the game and the end results of the game are increased unwanted pregnancies, a rise in abortions, and a massive climb in sexual diseases. It’s quite possible that the four horsemen won’t appear until the rate of syphilic-ridden, two-headed, underweight babies born to barely-teenage, knowledge-lacking cum-sluts crosses a certain threshold and that this is all part of a larger moral plan I’m not privy to because I haven’t read Revelations in a long time and the methods of right-wing Christians is a thankful enigma to my genius. Of course, it’s also possible that the promoters of these righteous plans are merely incapable of thinking things through and like to base their physiological, psychological, scientological, and common-sensological dictates on the many-times-translated, passed-down-through-stories teachings of people who lived in areas of the world now deemed uncivilised and ripe-for-plundering out of a sense of power and greed. If the latter is true then I’ve got good news! I’ve got an alternative and that alternative is called … Necrophilia! Abstinence-only programmes are designed to combat the following "Evils of Sex": Enjoyability · Conservative Christians are incapable of enjoying sex because they do it one way only, poorly. That’s not a generalisation. That’s a fact! More liberal-minded people have discovered the techniques classified as Too Hot For The Bible but this puts them at odds with their distant, narrow-minded cousins. Abstinence-only promotes disappointing and painful wedding-night experiences that help to forge the idea of sex as a necessary child-manufacturing chore just like God wants. Abortions · You can’t abort a blob of cells if you aren’t pregnant, fact! And you can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex and avoid using toilets where married people have been. Fact! Ungodly Thoughts · Having sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God leads to thinking about sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God and that’s just one step away from molesting badgers which is expressly forbidden in Ruth chapter 6. The problem is, of course, that despite their honest (truly, I swear, no really) goals the result is that abstinence-only programmes...
Girls Aloud: Pictures and information
I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either. Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on. Who Are Girls Aloud? That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining. Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old...
Reptilian Diary
There comes a point in every Reptilian’s life that he, she, or the third gender pronoun ‘Malcolm’ decides to spill the beans, to let the cat out of the bag, to unravel the strings of deceit from the big bag of truthy words, to come clean. I, Reptilian Overlord Mark, am, in fact a Reptilian. There was a clue in my name but most people won’t have seen it until now because, as a Reptilian, I have scary and mystical powers that allow me to mask reality behind a woollen cloak of confusion. I’m a bit like The Shadow, only scalier. Now, there are some of you that have already seen through the barriers that I and the others of my kind took so much time and effort to construct. David Icke, one of your foremost mammalian Reptilian uncoverers has done some sterling work in the field. But I think it’s only fair to rebut some of his so-called facts. All The Presidents Of The USA Are Reptilians If you think for one second that we’re taking responsibility for that bunch then, to use a Reptilian saying, your blood’s going warm. I can categorically confirm that Gerald Ford was and is to this day the only Reptilian to attain the post of Presidency. And that was a mistake: he only popped out to pick up a pack of dried flies for lunch. Reptilians Are Blood-Drinking, Shape-Shifting Paedophiles Yes, we shift shapes, but that’s all. It helps us get laid. The blood-drinking and child molestation are purely the acts of televangelists and they’re all descended from the original, dominant penguin species who we successfully put down in the great Take That Fisheaters! War of 112400 BC. Reptilians Use Satanism To Control Humanity I’ll be honest: we considered it. But Reptilian Overlord Rupert Murdoch came up with a far better solution and we’ve used that ever since. It still involves sacrifices, a feeling of pure disgust, and occasional soiling but means that the rest of us don’t have to dress up like goths and that was one of the things we were trying to get away from when we left our home world to infiltrate yours. To summarise: we’re not as bad as David Icke makes out. In the event you’re not convinced by my arguments and find the pictorial proof of the Reptilian agenda present at Reptilian Agenda holds sway then please allow me to allay your fears by reproducing a page from my human skin-bound diary: Monday Bloody freezing in the house again. Switched the ceramic hobs on the oven to full and stepped from one to another for...
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