Designed By God
If we are to believe the words of many Intelligent Design supporters (formerly Creationists (soon-to-be Intelligent Evolutionists (never-to-be Actual Scientists))) then evolution exists but it’s far too complex to have just simply evolved into said complexity and must have been designed to simply look complex so as to, er, cause arguments because, ahm, it’s fun to annoy scientific people yes? By redefining science to shift away from an observable and measurable basis and towards a "things I thought when I hit my head on the coffee table" basis it is possible for anyone – especially religious anyones who would otherwise struggle to hold down jobs – to label themselves "a scientician", receive funding, write books, and appear on lecture circuits, thereupon to be beswooned by easily-starstruck fundamentalists and power-hungry, small-dicked (sufferers of tiniwilli, to give it the specific medical term) politicians. Now, proceed to ask an IDiot to speculate what we will evolve into and you’ll undoubtedly run into a problem area for these "brains". You see: either we have now stopped evolving because we are the ultimate goal, the pinnacle of achievement, the perfect beings, or there’s still some growing to do. They would have us believe that far from being merely an adequate form for this environment at this time, we have instead been manipulated through the aeons at a level far too complicated to require proof and we are either the end result or another link on the path to the ultimate prize. Which leads to more questions: if we’re the ultimate goal then what took the definitely-not-God, oh-no creator so long to reach this point? Couldn’t He or She (just kidding: it’s He) have taken some shortcuts? Couldn’t we have jumped from shrews straight to Homo sapiens or are chimpanzees needed for testing cigarettes? Were the dinosaurs all killed off just so we could run cars because, if not, then it seems pretty cruel to wipe them all out and a significant waste of time in the scheme of things? What happens now that we’ve become perfect and how can you measure it happening since this is a sciency thing after all? If we’re not the ultimate goal then how do – ooh, let’s pick a religion at random here – Christians feel about your firm belief that we and – ooh, let’s pick a name from history at random here – Jesus are not in God’s image, unless God Himself isn’t actually perfect or God was created by the not-God creator as well? The answer to all those questions is simply: Darwin’s theory of evolution can’t explain everything and my dad is bigger than...
50 Things To Do With Animal Heads
Use the head of a coyote to teach your children that a fall of over a thousand feet is not survivable and that the Road Runner is psychopathic. The head of an earthworm can replace a missing nipple – perhaps yours was removed by a carpet burn, or you required a nipplectomy because you’re lucky like that – or can act as a third nipple for when you play the role of Scaramanga in your weekly, fantasy sex game. A crocodile’s head makes a wonderful, novelty, oversized nutcracker. The indigenous people of Manchester, England revere the heads of African elephants when the ears are flattened out (those of the elephants and not the indigenous people of Manchester, England) as they form great protection against rain. The head of a duck can act as a clothes peg in emergencies. If you’ve ever hosted an evening party and run out of Beluga caviar then you’ll appreciate that the heads of ants makes a perfect replacement and taste far better too. The head of a sperm whale can provide temporary shelter if you are ever mountaineering and your tent blows away. It is hard to find good bellows these days but an anteater’s head and two stout sticks will do the job just perfectly. A llama’s head, still bloody and placed in his bed, may persuade Jeff Minter to produce a first person shooter variant of Attack Of The Mutant Camels. It is easy to fly into a rage after losing a chess match to a 4-year old wunderkind so keep a handful of seahorse heads around for quick repairs. Why not give young schoolchildren a fascination with space by stapling an actual horse’s head next to a poster of the Horsehead Nebula for comparison purposes? The head of a walrus, mounted on a spring contraption over your back door, can act as a natural booby trap for would-be burglars. Achieve instant television fame by burying the heads of chimpanzees under a neighbour’s patio, tipping off the police to a suspected baby basketball cult, and then being interviewed saying that your neighbour seemed really normal and the midnight slam-dunking never really bothered you. Pretend to be The Great Cthulhu with the head of an octopus and make occultists obey your will. A cheetah’s head worn by your partner will allow you to act out your Thundercats fantasies during your weekly sex game. Store cuckoo heads in your refrigerator and set up an instant Swiss clock repair business. If you can’t afford a baseball cap then why not wear a duck-billed platypus’ head instead? The Bee Gees have a phobia of marsupials and...
Intelligent Design Explained Intelligently
You must have heard of Intelligent Design, right? No? Okay, let me explain briefly just what it is: Intelligent Design (I.D.) is a (snigger) "theory" put forward by some (snort) "scientists" to (choking! send help!) explain the universe without resorting to: intelligence, anything they learnt on their degree course, asking another scientist for help, asking a two year-old for help. In a nutshell (one designed exclusively for the Earth Range by Almighty God and not some cheap, evolved knock-off) I.D. proponents argue that sure there’s a lot of evidence to support evolution and yes scientific models of the universe’s creation do seem to bear out pretty well in experiments and okay natural selection does appear to explain the many varied and wondrous shapes that nature has produced over the countless millions and billions of years but maybe that’s what we’re supposed to think, huh, huh? I.D. supporters point out that life is really, really complex and can cause headaches if thought about too hard so doesn’t Occam’s Razor indicate that it’s much more likely that an omnipotent and omniscient divinity thought "Wait! What about a little horse that swims underwater?" Intelligent Design is an offshoot of ‘Paranoid Science’, a branch of reasoning the major tenet of which is "But what if God is simply testing our faith?" Other examples of Paranoid Science’s exhortations into the public sphere over the years have included: God put dinosaur bones on the planet because there’s only room in Heaven for people who ignore the evidence of the eyes that God gave them, duh!, appendicitis is proof of God’s displeasure since evolution should have evolved that dangly bit away aeons ago dumbass!, you don’t believe in angels but dark matter is fine, yeah sure, whatever!, banjo music is proof of a higher power, there is no scientific explanation for it, none! Fans of Paranoid Science (P.S. International Community of Friends) and I.D. (Worldwide IDiots) fear God. Opponents of the two theologically-derived, scientific-sounding claptrap theories fear God-botherers. If God-botherers contented themselves with bothering God everybody would be fine but since God has failed to react to their botherations over the years – further proof that He exists since He would never reveal He’d been listening so explain that away Mister Professor Bees Evolved From Snakes Ph.D! – they’ve moved onto a target that actually does get distracted by the lunacy: everyone else. The IDiots want I.D. taught in schools and they’ve got a prominent supporter in the guise of George W. "The ‘W’ Stands For ‘Woo! Yay! The Missing Link!’" Bush who endorsed teaching the subject on Monday. To be fair, regular scientists would also...
The Joy Of Pointing with Tim Westwood
Can’t think what to do this Summer? Why not learn a new skill? Discover The Joy Of Pointing. Impress your posse with the illest, dopest, flyest, defest, dumbest, and blindest skills this side of Heaven. Sign up for a comprehensive, high-octane course in Street Pointing with the Point Professor himself, Tim Westwood, octagenarian BBC Radio 1 DJ and host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride UK. Take a look at the course preview! Look man, look! Basic Attitude PointThe Basic Attitude Point is the pointing technique from which all other points form. Beginners must perfect this first pointing method before progressing. Ideal when you need to keep it simple or take the wayback machine to the days of old school and beyond or if you’ve only got one hand free. Once this skill is mastered you’ll also find it has everyday uses too allowing you to call elevators and pick your nose more efficiently. Westwood says … Yo! Now your basic point needs that classic Westwood attitude. Say it! At-ti-tude! It looks simple to an outsider but this is still the bomb. Mmmmm. Cra-zeee. Look at those other fingers. You need wicked fly skills to keep it real like that. Do I make myself clear? Understand that! Exactly. Other cats might just concentrate on the index finger but not this dude. Recognise! The Double Dead WormsThe Double Dead Worms gets its name from the resemblance to two creatures of the phylum Annelida suffering from rigor mortis. Essentially a Basic Attitude Point duplicated and mirrored there are still some noticeable differences that, if not taught properly, will render your street cred zero. Zero. You want to be a hero, not a zero. Westwood says … Are you tired of getting stomped on? Exactly. Now you want the crazy dope Dee to the Dee Double-you. That’s Double Dead Worms baby. Or Dope Def Wicked! Yeah, you know it! Recognise. You will be having a lot of fun out there with this pimped-up bomb of a point. Two hands! Exactly. Yo. So gangsta, so old school. Respect! Two Fingers Of WhiskeyDeriving its name from the Wild West custom of ordering whiskey by the thickness of the barman’s fingers and originating, appropriately enough, from the west coast of America, the Two Fingers pointing technique at once brings the pointer back to his or her childhood playing with pretend guns. Your bitches and/or hos will also appreciate this and you’ll find out why on the course. Westwood says … Exactly! It’s a shutdown, it’s a takeover. You take your one-finger pointers and you tear them down. Recognise. Cold lampin’! Two fingers is more than enough...
Office Exercises
There are many ways to get fit and lose weight but, as with all things, it is simply a lot harder for some people to achieve than others. The group most prejudiced by society and just bad luck are office workers – the people who spend most of the day sat at their desk – who also happen to have cable television and broadband internet and DVDs. Madame Physique, the mysterious and ethereal patron ghost of weight-loss, has rolled her magical dice made from tightened abdominal muscles and rippling pectorals and they’ve come to rest on Snake Eyes for those who find the evening lure of the television and the internet holds sway after a long day of sitting down coding, typing, or secretly playing Bejeweled. You’d like to exercise, honest you would, but there’s just no time. But now there is! Yes, you can exercise at work, at your desk, in the office, and get paid to do so! Now that’s the sort of exercise that appeals! Okay, there are other sites out there that have talked about office exercises before, but they always involve you making it painfully obvious to everyone else that you’re attempting to fittenise (may not be a real word) your lifestyle. Try those sorts of exercises and become the butt of jokes in your office. A couple of days later and it’s time to kill your colleagues and then take your own life out of shame through Office Seppuku (a head-first charge at the photocopier). Not here. Now you can tone your body in private and each exercise has added bonuses too! Monitor Lift The Monitor Lift is great for your biceps or triceratops; whichever one isn’t a dinosaur. For this you will need a monitor of significant weight. A normal CRT monitor is perfect. Flat LCDs are pointless. The 21" Sun Workstation monitor I have at home that is seemingly factory-fitted with three inch-thick steel, a car battery to power the 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor, and a sizeable lump of SuperLead for a laugh (twice as dense as normal lead but with all the same licking goodness) is only for the insanely mighty to use. Like me. I’m insane. Lift the front of your monitor up a fraction of a millimetre and slide a sheet of paper underneath the base. Now, stand up, bend at the knees, keep your back straight, put your two arms under the monitor, lift it straight up, and ask someone to retrieve your important blank sheet please. Once they have done this replace the monitor and repeat the process. You will be able to perform this task...
Men! How to wrap presents
Today is the birthday of My Beautiful Better Half™ which means that for the next two months and a few days she is no longer younger than me and, therefore, technically and more importantly, I am not older than her. I’m not here to talk about her birthday presents though in case I have been captured, drugged, physically altered, and made to think it is a later date than it really is so as to give away what I bought – yes, that’s right, I have seen "36 Hours" starring James Garner! – but I do want to share wisdom that I have managed to consume through the membrane of my skull and that wisdom is this: The neOnbubble Guide To Wrapping Presents For Men I’m a man. I have all the man-parts associated with men including – but not limited to – dangly bits, sticky-out bits, bits that really should have been put on the inside out of sight and harm’s way, and ruggedness. I also have a man-brain, something far superior to the Lady Brain from Remington which looks pretty but has no sense of direction and a small and ineffective sport appreciation lobe. However, the man-brain does seem to be lacking a natural gift-wrapping skill. This is probably a result of evolution; cavemen, according to historians, would go off hunting all day, then play some football, get steaming drunk on ripe fruit, and stagger home (note the superior sense of direction) to be fed by their lovely cavebabes. The females, during this time, would have tidied some rocks, washed some rocks, and finally wrapped some rocks in vines and leaves so as to surprise their beloveds on their arrival. Over the decades since then hunting has given way to the industrial revolution and space travel, while rocks have been replaced by cushions, but otherwise nothing has changed. Wrapping, like the appendix whose purpose in flaring up and screeching and driving off the giant butterfly overlords who seeded this planet with man back in Jesus’ time is now almost moot, is an unnecessary appendage – albeit a mental one – for most men. There are many techniques for wrapping presents. Some are advanced, some are basic, some apply to specific types of gifts. I’ll show you how you can cope with most types of gift-wrapping scenarios using just two simple methods that anyone can learn. The Scrunchy Sticky Swift Method This technique is a catch-all method for wrapping any type of gift in a short amount of time. Ideal for odd-shaped presents and last-minute "Oh my God! Our anniversary! I’m going to die!" situations. You will need:...
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