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No Valentine
Feb14

No Valentine

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle, I really am. I… I just can't do this anymore." "On Valentine's day? Please tell me this is a horrible joke Michael!" "I can't. I wish I could but…" "Is it me? Is it me being pushy?" "It's not that, no." "Just because I'm wearing a wedding dress… it's a joke, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't have to be like this!" "I said it's not that. Can't we just leave it at that? Part ways as, well, maybe not friends, but just, you know, part?" "Is it because I'm a mannequin? You said it didn't matter!" "It doesn't! And it's not that. I told you I had a crush on Kim Cattrall in the movie Mannequin. You were – you are my Kim Cattrall." "Well then, what? You owe me that! Is it because I don't have a head?" "No! I… okay… the head thing is… yes! I'm sorry! I really, really tried to overlook it but…" "I thought you were better than that Michael. I thought that looks – or, in my case, a distinct lack of them – weren't important to you." "They aren't! I swear!" "You're not making any sense! Why are you doing this to me?" "I'm so, so sorry Gabrielle. I'm so sorry. It's your… voice! It comes from, well, between your legs!" "Where else is it supposed to come from? I've got no head! No. Head. Remember?" "I remember Gaby. I just… I have to go now. I can't do this." "Go! You've broken my heart Michael! I've still got one of those! Go on, go! And you remember this: I overlooked your constant hopping! So go! Hop away you hopping freak!" Google+: View post on...

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Warm Inside
Feb11

Warm Inside

Condensation-formingly warm inside. Outside – which is where I was as you can possibly tell – it was colder than a witch's tit. My gloves: they do nothing to keep the feeling in the tips of my fingers! Google+: View post on...

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Street Hypnotist
Feb09

Street Hypnotist

"Look deep into my eyes… Feel yourself getting… Are you looking up my nostrils?" "I'm very sorry; it's just that you're quite tall." "Perhaps you're quite short! Ever think of that?" "I have done on many occasions, thank you. Are you here to hypnotise me or insult me?" "You're right, I'm sorry. I'm new to street hypnotism and a little nervous and, yes, that's no excuse for rudeness. Sorry. Again." "That's okay. Why don't you have another go?" "Thank you. Right… Look deep into my eyes…" "I am looking deep into your eyes." "Please… don't repeat what I'm saying." "Is that one of those hypnotic commands because I have to say I'm feeling no compulsion to obey it?" "No, it's just irritating… No! Irritating's the wrong word. Er… off-putting! It's breaking up the flow." "Gotcha! Sorry. Won't speak again." "Ha ha! Unless I order you to!" "What!? You chauvinist pig! You think all women are only here to be commanded by men?" "No! No! No! It was a reference to hypnotism! We're… trying to do street hypnotism here. Remember?" "Oh… okay. I do remember, now you mention it. I am feeling myself getting sleepy. I think this is working." "What's working? I haven't done anything yet!" "Really? Oh, well do you want to get a move on then because some of us have real jobs to get back to." "Okay! Fine… We'll do this quickly… Look into my eyes and don't say a thing! while you're looking deep, deep into my eyes… Feel yourself getting drowsy… You can only hear… Did you just glance at my crotch?" "The sun glinted off the material. I don't think you should wear shiny trousers for street hypnotism." —– It was at this point that I brought the Street Hypnotism Exam to an end. Unfortunately, Paul had failed but I thanked him for his time, pointed out a few areas he needed to address, and told him I looked forward to seeing him try again in the near future. #StreetPhotography #StreetPics #ShootTheStreet Google+: View post on...

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President Putin's Present
Feb07

President Putin's Present

In a wonderfully warm ceremony – a great counterpoint to the cold weather – Chichester was today twinned with Moscow. Vladimir Putin could not attend as he was busy posing topless for Judo Fishermen On Horses Quarterly (Russia's top-selling magazine dealing exclusively with fishermen who like both wearing pyjamas and the feel of a stallion between their thighs). However, to impress the importance of this bond between the two great cities the Russian President did send along an old woman with a headscarf as a gift of friendship. This will be a welcome addition to Chichester's existing collection of old women in odd headwear. President Putin, thank you. Google+: View post on...

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Fetch
Feb04

Fetch

A weekend of late nights and lots of drinking – a housewarming party in Basingstoke on Saturday and then Super Bowl last night – and I'm not as young as I used to be thanks to this stupid reality we live in. Shakes fist at linear time. Fortunately, there's nothing better for clearing the cobwebs than having a day off work and a walk along a windswept beach in February. So that's what we did. Just me, my wife, and Frederick Jackson-Jones, our gull. We've raised Frederick Jackson-Jones from an egg; it was a duck egg but you know me and my tinkering with genetic material. Just can't stop meddling. Frederick Jackson-Jones can be a bit of a miserable pet at home in the Gull Cavern but once he's had his manacles removed and is allowed to fly free he's a different creature altogether. His favourite activity is catching lumps of coal that we throw for him. A very pleasant couple of hours then on Hayling Island and I feel fully invigorated and ready to tackle the remainder of the week at work. More's the pity. Google+: View post on...

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Shadow
Feb03

Shadow

What curry, vast quantities of chocolate, range of cakes, wines, and local microbrewery real ales lurk in the joint birthday and housewarming party venue frequented last night in Basingstoke? The Shadow knows! Google+: View post on...

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