A Warning From History
You've probably never heard of the Great Cutlery War if you're not an actual piece of cutlery, and even if you were a piece of cutlery with a Google+ account you may still never have heard of it as it was a dark period in the items' history; many knives and forks will still not mention this bloody period to their little teaspoons and sporks to this day. You can imagine, therefore, that it took a great many meetings with lots of unsettling negotiating to finally get permission and funding for a memorial to this awful event and I was pleased to be there at the unveiling yesterday. The choice of sculpture – a reconstruction of the execution of paper cup traitors who sided with the plastic cutlery against the silverware in the Battle of Chichester Train Station – did not meet with everyone's approval, being seen as grisly by some or simply inappropriate by others. However, I commend the artist for not producing something that celebrates war and, instead, shows what terrible things people – or cutlery in this instance – can do, no matter which side of the conflict they're fighting on. Traitors or heroes? Victors or barbarians? I think the ambiguity and thoughts that it provokes make it a fitting tribute and a powerful warning to future would-be-warmongers. Google+: View post on...
Questions
"Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions?" "That depends; are they about hats?" "Hats? Oh, ha ha! No, no, nothing like that." "Well that's good. I don't really know much about hats." "No, these are questions about…" "My wife, on the other hand, is quite knowledgeable where it comes to headwear. It's quite odd, really. I'm not sure why she knows the things she knows." "Hmmm, that is odd, but, anyway, these questions aren't about hats at all." "Then again, she has an irrational hatred of Peruvians – she considers them a deceptive bunch and it ires her immensely – and your hat looks like it's from that region." "I see." "She'd probably get quite agitated if she saw your hat, thinking you were a Peruvian. You're not a Peruvian are you?" "I'm not a Peruvian, no." "Mind, you'd probably deny it if you were on account of your deceptive nature." "I… don't really know what to say to that." "Never mind. I've got nothing against Peruvians anyway, so you can ask me anything." "Excellent, I'll…" "Just nothing about hats." "It won't be about hats, I promise." "Then fire away!" "Great! Which would you prefer to wear: a trilby or a sombrero?" "You said you wouldn't…" "Por la gloria del Perú!" Google+: View post on...
Love Me?
"Will you still love me when I'm bald?" "Of course. I don't love you for your hair." "And will you still love me when I put on weight?" "Even more than now as there will be more of you!" "And will you still love me when I'm a giant slug who walks around in a t-shirt and no trousers in a blizzard?" "Absolutely!" And she did. Google+: View post on...
Market Stall
"I see you're interested in my pickled onions." "I wasn't even looking at them! How dare you! Anyway, what do you expect when you're sitting like that? Oh! You mean the ones in the jar? Oh! Ha ha! You cheeky monkey!" "Not quite, but… we've got some eggs left and we're down to the last few jars of lemon curd and preserves. Anything take your fancy? Other than my pickled onions, of course." "Hee hee! You are a one! No, no, what I'm really looking for is fresh cantaloupe." "Melons?" "They're tucked beneath my jacket where you can't see them! See! Two can play at that game! But yes, cantaloupe melons. I'm making a cake for my niece and she does love cantaloupe melons on top." "That's… quite bizarre. No, sorry, no melons, cantaloupe or otherwise. Very difficult to get hold of cantaloupe melons when you're a dog." "On account of the U.N. embargo? Is that still going?" "Afraid so. One little bloody melon uprising against humans and nobody seems able to forget." "But you've got lemon curd." "Well, I've got some friends who are cats. I shouldn't really have it out on the stall – no, not that you saucy minx! – but I haven't been bothered yet." "Oh, that's a shame. Oh well, best be off." "Okay, have a good day." "I will. You too." "I haven't always been a dog, you know." "What's that?" "I said: I haven't always been a dog." "Really?" "Really. I used to be a puppy!" "Oh! You!" "That's a dog market stallholder joke! You take that with you for free, okay. Good luck with your melons." "Thank you! And I hope someone deserving gets their hands on your pickled onions too." #StreetPhotography #StreetPics #MonochromeWorld Google+: View post on...
Balancing Act
There comes a point in every bicyclist's life when he, she, or it discovers the singular joy that is keeping the bike as still as possible, standing on the pedals, and trying to keep balanced whilst wind, the dizzying force of the Earth's rotation, or butterflies alighting on shoulders do their utmost to assist gravity in sending the vehicle's owner crashing to the ground. That point in life is usually around the age of seven or eight and it forms part of that area of growing up that involves trying to beat friends and impress people of the opposite or same or no sex. Occasionally, though – just occasionally – this joy of balancing comes late in life to a cyclist. But just because it happens at an older age those desires to outdo friends or colleagues or show off aren't necessarily suppressed by wisdom. It happened today to this man and tomorrow it might happen to you. The women were not impressed. The bus driver that swerved to avoid him was also not impressed. A butterfly alighted on his shoulder and sent him sprawling. Google+: View post on...
DC Superheroes
Not to be confused with superheroes from American publications, the District of Chichester has its own motley collection of do-gooders battling the scourge of the south coast on a daily basis, and yesterday was try out day. Most attendees didn't make the cut, of course, but the session did end well for a successful trio so I'd like to introduce the world to – and warn any potential supervillains about – Chichester's newest defenders of truth, liberty, and the West Sussex way of life: Cumulus – With a cloud on his head and the ability to control water vapour, Cumulus is the man you need when a kettle is in danger of boiling over. Or if you're locked in a sauna. Boa Constrictor – Scaly skin (the result of a refusal to help prop up the cosmetics industry and buy moisturiser) and unblinking eyes (maybe; difficult to tell really inside that ridiculous outfit) but it's this mystery person's swaying dance with a feather boa that will dazzle and confuse (usually sexually) the criminal underclass. Gypsy Rose Vee – The V stands for vengeance and her weapons of choice are knockout-perfumed roses. The "gypsy" part comes from her Romany heritage and also explains why she's currently the target of a hate campaign from the Daily Mail. #MonochromeWorld #StreetPhotography Google+: View post on...
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