Christian Versus Atheist
Interactive Christian Training Simulator (c) 2008 JesusTek Part III - Christian Vs Atheist: Final Showdown Congratulations on stomping on the Scientologist Mini-King and defusing the Islamic Suicide Bomber Baby with your Battering Baton of Blind Belief. You are now ready to take on your most potent of adversaries: the Atheist! The Atheist attacks God and His followers by using his brain and utilising the three unholy forces of "Knowledge", "Reason", and "Thought". You must be ready to counter the Atheist's aggression with your God-given gifts of "Faith", "Repetition", and "Proclaiming Religious Intolerance" in order to wear down the otherwise persuasive offensive powers of this insidious foe. The Atheist stands before you blocking all exits with his intellectually-filled bulk! The Atheist is a monstrous beast and rocks back laughing at what he considers to be your puny position. Just visible within his great and deceitful beard you can see books and scientific equipment. The Atheist glares at you and asks: "Pathetic Christian! Does prayer work?" WHAT NOW? >Answer 'Yes'Answer 'No'This sounds like a trap! Ignore the...
Evolution Of The Races
This week at work I found myself encased in the state of being stunned by a stunning statement from a colleague – a decidedly not stunning colleague – who stated his statement thusly, and with utmost sincerity: "The problem with evolution is you have to question how the different races evolved from different types of apes at the same time." This statement, sincerely stated, subsequently – and quite suddenly – stunned me into a state of stupefaction. I humbly confess that my mouth dropped open for several seconds and I beg the forgiveness of the intelligent people of the world for my lack of an immediate rebuttal and/or attack with an axe. I gathered my wits swiftly from where they had spilled out over my desk and educated him (through the power of mocking) for several moments until he left. Then I did the thoroughly modern thing and Twittered the event. I received a reply almost immediately from GorillaSushi (that I then didn’t spot until it was far too embarrassingly late to respond) which claimed that he himself was a direct descendant of the spider monkey. I did not find this particular statement to be as stunning or even, really, mildly surprising. He has, after all, eight arms and a love of bananas, a trait shared by the simian in question if memory serves. Nevertheless – and fortunately as far as this post goes – this got me thinking. Was there something in this bizarre notion of racial evolution being linked to varying species? The obvious answer of "careful now, there’s probably an axe attack imminent you buffoon, racial characteristics are clearly genetic adaptations to environment" seemed just a little bit too obvious for my liking. So, while I embark on funding requests to further examine this question I have begun compiling some likely test candidates among the world’s people and creatures. I’ll need to be careful to avoid offending any creatures. Race: The Swiss Description: Drawn to geometry and mathematics; the simple triangles of a Toblerone, the round holes in their cheese, the large numbers of their bank accounts and the sums of money therein. Likes to claim neutrality but certainly wouldn’t mind running the whole show so long as there was no physical risk, despises cuckoos and has fostered a national industry designed to incarcerate the animals within the madness-inducing, always-ticking tombs of miniature clocks. Most Likely Evolved From: Crows. Intelligent, drawn to shiny things, cautiously aggressive, long-running feud with cuckoos over nesting rights. Race: Canadians Description: Tolerant. Very tolerant. Maybe too tolerant. Who else would willingly live in close proximity to Americans and allow the French...
Enter The Priesthood
The Catholic Church in the United Kingdom are on a bit of a recruitment drive to increase the number of priests. People in Western society these days – by and large – are educated to a higher standard, their lives are easier and less doom-laden with threats of war, disease, and aristocratic purging whims, and religion is less the central point of their lives. For the great majority – over ninety-nine hundredths – of those who still proclaim to be religious, the proclamation itself is nothing more than a ritual (this vague statistic is supplied courtesy of My Head). Sure, some of those religious people may go to church every week but how many spend the entire time thinking "God’s watching me! God’s watching me! The urge to pick my nose is a test!" or even listen to any of the sermons they’ve all heard a thousand times before instead of merely letting the words wash over them and repeat back the responses automatically? It’s a trick question, of course: thinking doesn’t enter into religious practice. If it did, religion would never have gotten off the drawing board. Subsequently, while those who say they are religious and believe in God may be about as depressingly high as it seems to always have been, the subset who are prepared to devote time to their religion, to answer some hallucinatory call to serve, and to give up any part of their comfortable lives in favour of one of deserved, intellectual ridicule is tellingly and reassuringly dwindling. The common sense genetic trait is winning the evolutionary battle over the moron mutation. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help the church. I was raised Roman Catholic and educated privately in a Catholic school by an order of monks, and they did so in such an admirable way that I was able to reject the whole notion of religion as infantile twaddle; a relic of a less developed mind and some perverse necessity to control. Additionally, there are still plenty of people who are susceptible to the religious grasp that aims to answer all your questions by not answering them in the slightest, waggling the fingers, making ooh noises, and mixing the words "faith", "God", "mysteries", and "tax-exempt" into new and exciting sentences. For those people and to thank Roman Catholicism for the great job it did with me: Become A Catholic Priest Looking for a new career with global leadership opportunities? Are you ready to make the ultimate commitment? Or do people often remark that you should be committed? Can you keep secrets? Are you predisposed BECOME A PRIEST to subliminal...
Return Of The Uncut Bible
Comparing the various Bibles against the one true Bible – Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible – is an arduous task but that didn’t stop me before when we previously examined The Bible: Uncut and More Uncut Bible. And you can be certain it sure as hell won’t stop me now. Kneel down, grab yourself a glass of Communion Wine, and pray before the altar of yet more passages from the only creditable and unedited Bible around. "Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Oh, except cats. They have a mind of their own, they do.’" Genesis 1:26 The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. But his feet were a bit ripe so the commander of the LORD’s army asked him to put them back on again." Joshua 5:15 "That same night the LORD said to him, ‘Take the second bull from your father’s herd, the one seven years old. Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height. Using the wood of the Asherah pole that you cut down, offer the second bull as a burnt offering. Then pack a cooler with ice and fill it with bottles of beer. Make sure you defrost the buns. And don’t forget the ketchup. And can you get hold of disposable plates and cutlery? Awesome!’" Judges 6:25-26 "The king said to me, ‘What is it you want?’ Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, ‘Can we have our frisbee back please?’" Nehemiah 2:4-5 "There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. It took him forever to sign his name which often ired other shoppers." Samuel 1:1 "The company of the prophets at Bethel came out to Elisha and asked, ‘Do you know that the LORD is going to take your master from you today?’ ‘Yes, I know,’ Elisha replied, ‘for the LORD sent me an email last night.’" 2 Kings 2:3 "When the enemies of Judah and Benjamin heard that the exiles were building a temple for the LORD,...
More Uncut Bible
Congressmen stalk teenage boys! Countries threaten nuclear tests! Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games! Gunmen really have it in for schools! In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended. "These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’" Mark 6:8-11 "And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish." Ezra 4:7 "In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working." 2 Chronicles 3:10-13 "When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’ When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they...
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