Arguing With Catholics
tl;dr Version Twitter. Argument. Catholics. Unmarried. Sex. Pregnant. Abortion. Hypocrite. Morons. Arguments! Just … just … just don’t, okay! Full Version We’ve all done it at some time; we’ve all tried to have a rational argument with someone who doesn’t understand what the word "rational" means. You can’t win this argument, no matter how impossibly right you are and how unbelievably wrong they are because their answer is to repeat already-disproved points or counter with irrelevant points. At some level you wonder whether they’re smarter than you’re giving them credit for and are employing a cunning tactic to make you back down. But they’re not; they really are that stupid. Yesterday, on Twitter I made a comment to a fellow Person Who Uses Twitter, regarding the girl from Portsmouth planning to carry to term her two-headed baby because she’s a devout Catholic and won’t abort this "gift" even though it has no chance of living any semblance of a normal life whatsoever. I found – and find – the reason for not aborting – that being "a devout Catholic" – rather at odds with her happiness at trying to have a baby outside wedlock for seven years, something I would have thought would also be, perhaps, not really in line with Catholicism and devoutness. I’m sure devoutness is a real word. My comment was: ‘Devout Catholic’ Lisa won’t abort doomed ‘gift from God’. Unmarried devout Catholic. Who’s had sex outside wedlock. Hypocrite. This then started an argument with several Catholics which, bizarrely, was an argument actually about English words and their definitions as opposed to any simple mocking of their ridiculous beliefs. There are four main ways someone could have seen that comment: 1. A follower of my Twitter stream and the person to whom it was addressed could see it, 2. Someone who happened to be viewing the public timeline at the time of posting could have seen it, 3. Someone could have randomly clicked on followers and happened upon the status by luck, 4. Someone could have searched Twitter, probably for the word ‘Catholic’. The lattermost is the most likely reason for what happened about four hours later. patrickmadrid No, ‘Catholic Lisa’ is not a hypocrite. She’s acting ethically by doing the right thing and not aborting her unborn baby. Ah! A person butting in on a conversation and using the old "you’re wrong and here’s why, using a non sequitur" opening gambit. A challenge! So, according to Patrick, Lisa was not a hyprocrite because she was acting "ethically". This argument is logically equivalent to saying "No, Sidney Poitier is not black. He’s wearing a tie." I...
Second Secret Gospel Chapter
Previously on neOnbubble: Secret Gospel Chapter: Revealed. Jesus and his disciples returned to the hills beyond the Jordan and from there made their way – with only a short stop at Jesus’ miraculous water-into-moonshine still – down to the land by the sea. Jesus led his disciples to a quiet area which was the most fertile and beautiful area near the sea where an impoverished tribe from the East had set up home. "Look upon these poor people," said the Son of Man. "They are outcasts among their own people who have wandered far and ended with nothing but the land beneath their feet and the sky above their heads and yet they are rich because of it." And the disciples looked to the tribe who were happy with their lot and the disciples looked at one another because they knew Jesus quite well by now and suspected something was about to kick off. "That’s prime real estate, that," continued Jesus. "Nice beach. Anyone fancy a sunbathe?" James and John urged the Son of God "Teacher, is it wise that you should trespass on land to which you have no right?" And Jesus replied to them all: "Listen to me, those among you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord, because God has willed – not in writing, obviously – that this strip of land is for the descendants of Levi and Abraham and so on and so forth and that includes me and all of you so we’re sorted, okay?" But the disciples were still not happy and so Jesus said "The rest of the Earth belongs to the Devil; he tempted me with it when we were in the desert together, remember? Too much upkeep to be honest. But this land here is God’s and, by extension, mine. God wants us all to share. That’s what He’s telling me right now. In my head. Right now. What’s the worst that could happen?" The disciples discussed this among themselves and could not reach a firm conclusion and so they decided to let their master have his way. Then Jesus stripped down to his trunks and lay down on the beautiful beach that was part of the land of the outcasts and in time the outcasts came to him and his disciples and they said "You are Jesus whom those of your people know as the Son of God and you have bathed here on our beach for some time now but the tide is turning and there are those among our people who would like to go surfing. We would be happy to...
Religious TV Schedule Highlights
Factual What Really Happened To The Hinduburg? Thursday, 21:00, HISTORY "Oh, the deity!" A brand new and fascinating documentary using state-of-the-art computer technology and descriptions of visions from those exalted by one God or another that attempts to unravel the divine truth of the last few minutes of the ill-fated voyage of the Hinduburg. Did Shiva the Destroyer strike down the grand, rigid frame airship or was there something more sinister at work? Static electricity perhaps, as some conspiracy theorists maintain? Narrated by Brian Blessed. Entertainment Cassocks Sunday, 21:30, E4 The Emmy award-winning comedy drama series about the young priests and nuns working at the Church of the Sacred Heart returns for an eighth season. Fathers John "J.D." Dorian (Zach Braff) and Christopher Turk (Donald Faison) start to question their faith when Sister Reid (Sarah Chalke) is mugged while praying five rosaries as penance for upsetting Bishop Kelso (Ken Jenkins) but they find themselves distracted when a Holy Water shortage threatens Sunday morning mass. Also starring John C. McGinley as Father Cox. Guest appearance by Brian Blessed as God. Movies Little Miss Sunnishine Monday, 20:00, Sky Movies Islam Seven-year-old Olive finds out she has qualified for the Little Miss Sunnishine religious pageant being held in California in just two days time leading to a roadtrip for Olive as her parents, her grandfather, her stepbrother, and her vile, deviant, homosexual uncle all travel along to the coast in a yellow Volkswagen bus to support her. Expect laughs and tears as the family experience a number of setbacks on their trip across country and look out for the hilarious, blasphemous ending that condemns Olive to ritual stoning. With Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin, Steve Carell, and Brian Blessed. Who Framed Roger Rabbi Tuesday, 19:00, The Disney Channel Part animation, part live action family movie. Bob Hoskins stars as Eddie Valiant, a private investigator brought in to help clear the name of Roger Rabbi, the toon television evangelist being framed for the murder of Marvin Acme who the rabbi knows has apparently enjoyed an extramarital dradling with Roger’s wife Jessica. Kids will love the cartoon aspects of this film while dads will have unholy thoughts about the voluptuous Jessica Rabbi. Mums will have to make do with Christopher Lloyd as Mohel Doom and a brief cameo from Brian...
Religious Perfume
I recently read about The Pope’s Cologne, a fragrance for men who wish to smell just like a man in a dress in times of plague. And who wouldn’t? As many people will know, I’m a collector of vintage magazines and I’m particularly fond of adverts in particular as they demonstrate a fascinating snapshot into the banality of life in decades past, so it is probably no surprise to learn that men’s and women’s fragrances based on religious themes is hardly new at all. Holy Spirit (1973) When Rochas tapped into the religious market looking to smell religiousy with Holy Spirit it took the bold step of edging away from traditional floral bases in the scent and instead picked upon some specific elements from the Bible in order to more strongly appeal to fundamentalist Christian women, a key demographic at the time. The piquancy of the warm bread undertone mixed with the musky palm notes was generally agreed upon to be both innovative and very pleasant but the decision to blend in two distinct fish aromas was the most likely cause of the perfume’s catastrophic market failure. Even after Holy Spirit was removed from shelves and ceased production Rochas refused to confirm the exact fish species used although it is widely accepted that the religious fragrance lacked sole. Seventy-2 (1969) Seventy-2 was directed at the young, white, suburban, fanatical, Islamic, would-be suicide bombers prevalent in middle America towards the end of the 1960s. The moral claims of the producers of Seventy-2 – that it "might help prevent unnecessary bloodshed and tragedy, and simultaneously help to make America smell wonderful again" – were overshadowed by some of the sales tactics used to sell the range of men’s toiletries (free dynamite, Death To America workshops, etc.) and the company was forced to close down and disappear quietly with the help of the FBI in, ironically, February of ’72. Rapture (1925) Ludwig Scherk was not only a manufacturer of cosmetic products during the 1920s but also a self-proclaimed prophet, and his release of a range of women’s fragrances entitled Rapture was – he claimed – because he could see the end coming very soon and wanted the good Christian housewives of America to be the first to travel the clouds while the Earth was destroyed. History shows us that Scherk was partly correct; his business did come to an abrupt and fiery (literally) end during the Great Depression that began a few years later. However, the return of Jesus was fortunately cancelled and those women who purchased and doused themselves in Rapture never got to impress anyone other than Ludwig’s bank manager...
Getting To Know Me
Oh, sure, you visit; you pop by; you drop on in. If you’re a member of Entrecard then you probably drop on down, then drop on out too. That place is full of droppers and I should know; I visit, pop by, and drop in, on, around, down, and out too. But I don’t really know anything about you and I suspect – well, actually, I’m pretty certain – that you don’t know anything about me. And there is much to know about me. The web’s social or so they say but it isn’t much like a society with which I’m familiar unless you know of a society that thrives solely on self-promotion, lies, and egotism. Let’s ignore the obvious response to that and press on with some self-promotion, lying, and ego-stroking by talking in depth about me. I’m a man, for starters. I’ve got all the manly parts associated with being a man. Stubble? Yeah, that’s there. If I don’t shave for four days then I can blend in with any terrorist cell in the world. It’s not just my stubble that grows at a phenomenal rate – no, not what you’re thinking you filthy pervert, although that’s true enough – but also the hair on my scalp too. If there’s a Hair Bear Bunch Human Impersonator Emergency then I could well be the answer to that emergency’s prayers. I don’t have hair on my back, chest, or tongue, however. If I had hair on my back then I’d not be engaged, that’s for certain; the other half frowns upon back hair. But we’re not talking about her. This is me, me, me time. My hair’s neither receding nor balding and was once so brown it was nearly black. But it wasn’t quite black. And now it’s not quite so brown it’s nearly black either; the albino hairs have emerged and begun to infiltrate the forest of brown-black. In time they will subsume the dark but I do not fear their approach. It’s not just my head-based hair that marks me out as a man; I have a sense of direction that is second-to-none and, certainly, far superior to any woman’s to which I’ve been introduced. I’d like to believe that I can tune into the Earth’s magnetic flux patterns and align myself towards any direction without thinking. I’d like to believe in a lot of things, but that’s simply preposterous. Unless the box of iron filings I swallowed as a child didn’t pass through me as the knowledgeable-sounding doctor assured my parents it would. Could they have dispersed through my body, carried by the flow of blood...
British Creationists
Disclaimer: This article is primarily addressed to Creationists, whether British or not. It’s quite lengthy and some of the words contain more than three syllables. I freely admit that this will be barely read, let alone comprehended by those for whom it is intended. Also, every insult comes with a money-back guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied but please seek the help of an adult with untaping your child-proof safety mittens before attempting to issue a complaint. The BBC recently published an online magazine article that exposed the shameful, shameful secret we’ve been trying to suppress for a long time in Britain. I’m very sorry to say this but … yes, it’s true. Britain has its fair share of complete morons too. Creationists – as everyone with greater than eight brain cells is aware – choose to ignore evidence in favour of stories. Not new stories either. Old ones. Very old ones. Less than ten thousand years old, however. You know, because the Universe didn’t exist before that. The starry backdrop was still on backorder. The designer was still trying to decide between fossilised remains of giant lizards and a Dear John letter from a sentient, multi-dimensional millipede. Yeah, not that old obviously. Now, stories are great things. I’d love to believe in some stories too. Harry Turtledove has some books where reptilians fight during World War 2. Extermination of the Jews … or reptiles shooting at French resistance fighters? I know which one I’d like to believe in but there appears to be this little thing called evidence which indicates I’m shit out of luck. Do Creationists believe in King Arthur? And I mean everything about King Arthur too. Witches, wizards, magic swords, mermaids? The possibility of witches, wizards, and mermaids all living in Britain just a few hundred years ago is awesome! Rather unlikely, however, what with all that "lack of any supporting evidence". Anyone found a female skeleton holding a sword in a lake? What about a pointy hat with "Merlin" sewn in it? An old, round table with "Galahad woz ‘ere" scrawled into the top? Not even that? Clearly, Creationists are picky about which stories they believe in. They are stupid, yes, but it’s a special kind of stupid being exposed. There is a wilful choice being made: of any two options pick the one with the smallest or simplest words. Excalibur … or myth? Myth’s shorter. Evolution … or God? Hell, God’s only got three letters! Nothing’s going to beat that! But back to the topic at hand: British Creationists. I’d like to talk to some of them. The BBC article allows some comments...
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