Designed By God
If we are to believe the words of many Intelligent Design supporters (formerly Creationists (soon-to-be Intelligent Evolutionists (never-to-be Actual Scientists))) then evolution exists but it’s far too complex to have just simply evolved into said complexity and must have been designed to simply look complex so as to, er, cause arguments because, ahm, it’s fun to annoy scientific people yes? By redefining science to shift away from an observable and measurable basis and towards a "things I thought when I hit my head on the coffee table" basis it is possible for anyone – especially religious anyones who would otherwise struggle to hold down jobs – to label themselves "a scientician", receive funding, write books, and appear on lecture circuits, thereupon to be beswooned by easily-starstruck fundamentalists and power-hungry, small-dicked (sufferers of tiniwilli, to give it the specific medical term) politicians. Now, proceed to ask an IDiot to speculate what we will evolve into and you’ll undoubtedly run into a problem area for these "brains". You see: either we have now stopped evolving because we are the ultimate goal, the pinnacle of achievement, the perfect beings, or there’s still some growing to do. They would have us believe that far from being merely an adequate form for this environment at this time, we have instead been manipulated through the aeons at a level far too complicated to require proof and we are either the end result or another link on the path to the ultimate prize. Which leads to more questions: if we’re the ultimate goal then what took the definitely-not-God, oh-no creator so long to reach this point? Couldn’t He or She (just kidding: it’s He) have taken some shortcuts? Couldn’t we have jumped from shrews straight to Homo sapiens or are chimpanzees needed for testing cigarettes? Were the dinosaurs all killed off just so we could run cars because, if not, then it seems pretty cruel to wipe them all out and a significant waste of time in the scheme of things? What happens now that we’ve become perfect and how can you measure it happening since this is a sciency thing after all? If we’re not the ultimate goal then how do – ooh, let’s pick a religion at random here – Christians feel about your firm belief that we and – ooh, let’s pick a name from history at random here – Jesus are not in God’s image, unless God Himself isn’t actually perfect or God was created by the not-God creator as well? The answer to all those questions is simply: Darwin’s theory of evolution can’t explain everything and my dad is bigger than...
Intelligent Design Explained Intelligently
You must have heard of Intelligent Design, right? No? Okay, let me explain briefly just what it is: Intelligent Design (I.D.) is a (snigger) "theory" put forward by some (snort) "scientists" to (choking! send help!) explain the universe without resorting to: intelligence, anything they learnt on their degree course, asking another scientist for help, asking a two year-old for help. In a nutshell (one designed exclusively for the Earth Range by Almighty God and not some cheap, evolved knock-off) I.D. proponents argue that sure there’s a lot of evidence to support evolution and yes scientific models of the universe’s creation do seem to bear out pretty well in experiments and okay natural selection does appear to explain the many varied and wondrous shapes that nature has produced over the countless millions and billions of years but maybe that’s what we’re supposed to think, huh, huh? I.D. supporters point out that life is really, really complex and can cause headaches if thought about too hard so doesn’t Occam’s Razor indicate that it’s much more likely that an omnipotent and omniscient divinity thought "Wait! What about a little horse that swims underwater?" Intelligent Design is an offshoot of ‘Paranoid Science’, a branch of reasoning the major tenet of which is "But what if God is simply testing our faith?" Other examples of Paranoid Science’s exhortations into the public sphere over the years have included: God put dinosaur bones on the planet because there’s only room in Heaven for people who ignore the evidence of the eyes that God gave them, duh!, appendicitis is proof of God’s displeasure since evolution should have evolved that dangly bit away aeons ago dumbass!, you don’t believe in angels but dark matter is fine, yeah sure, whatever!, banjo music is proof of a higher power, there is no scientific explanation for it, none! Fans of Paranoid Science (P.S. International Community of Friends) and I.D. (Worldwide IDiots) fear God. Opponents of the two theologically-derived, scientific-sounding claptrap theories fear God-botherers. If God-botherers contented themselves with bothering God everybody would be fine but since God has failed to react to their botherations over the years – further proof that He exists since He would never reveal He’d been listening so explain that away Mister Professor Bees Evolved From Snakes Ph.D! – they’ve moved onto a target that actually does get distracted by the lunacy: everyone else. The IDiots want I.D. taught in schools and they’ve got a prominent supporter in the guise of George W. "The ‘W’ Stands For ‘Woo! Yay! The Missing Link!’" Bush who endorsed teaching the subject on Monday. To be fair, regular scientists would also...
An interview with Dr Brian Cox
Dr Brian Cox, doctor, may be recognisable to a great many of you who picture things in their minds when they hear noises and who were listening to Radio 4 in the UK in the evenings in January as the man who presented the three-part series titled "In Einstein’s Shadow" which may or may not have been about a time-travelling dog in a DeLorean. For the remaining 103% of you who didn’t catch those programmes Dr Brian Cox is a physicist who likes it high energy-style, works anywhere there’s a particle accelerator handy, and has appeared on television when complicated science is required and traditional bald, bearded, tweedy men might be considered a tad off-putting. I collided with Dr Brian Cox recently (that’s a particle physics joke there, feel free to use it) and got to ask him a few questions about his work, his aspirations, his thoughts on the creation of the universe, his greatest achievement in the field of physics, and the meaning of life itself. Sadly, most or all of those questions didn’t make the cut. ME: Dr Brian Cox – or may I call you Brian? – I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? BRIAN: Please do call me Brian, Mark, but, if you don’t mind, could we perhaps keep the questioning related to my work in the field of physics? ME: Of course. Let me try again: I see from your early life that you were in a band and toured with the likes of Jimmy Page, Gary Moore, Europe, and others. Tell me: can you describe the best bathroom in a hotel you stayed in? Neutrino? BRIAN: Well, we were supporting Jimmy at the time and I believe we were in Newcastle. Late 1988 I think. I can’t remember the name of the hotel but let me tell you this: mirrors on both sides of the bathroom! Luxury! You could look in one and see a reflection and a reflection of a reflection and so on. In fact I tried an experiment there by waving and seeing how long it would be before the most distant reflection waved back – it was a test of the speed of light and how drunk I was – but some of the reflections didn’t wave at all and I got scared. That’s when I knew I’d never watch Poltergeist 3 again. And the towels were really fluffy. Stole two. ME: You’re from Oldham. Now,...
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