Collectible Spoons Newsletter #9
It’s that time of the year again! Yes, Spring has sprung and with it comes the newest edition of our Collectible Spoons Newsletter showcasing the latest and greatest works of spoonery to emerge from the spoon-making sweatshops of the world in the past couple of months. DeWangspak Silverware have just released something that will excite all our spoon-collecting farmers out there. With a limited edition of just 2000 spoons worldwide you’ll have to get up early to make sure you get hold of one of their beautifully-crafted 2008 Remembering The Tractor Tyre Collectible Spoons. DeWangspak have a reputation for high-quality craftsmanship and intricate design but they’ve opted for a simpler, more modern working of the classic spoon shape with long, straight lines and minimalistic decoration to fully embrace the spirit of the manufacturers of tractor tyres. American collectible memorabilia specialists Art and Garth Unkel always like to create a bit of a stir with their spoons – who can forget last Summer’s tribute to radioactive assassinations, the Polonium-210 Spoon? – and 2008 sees them return to a favourite subject matter of their’s with the release of the Anti-Coat Hangers Collectible Spoon. There’s a real treat in store for fans of pewter as – you’ve guessed it! – this thought-provoking piece is made using turn-of-the-20th-century techniques and materials and shows off the brothers’ spoon-making skills with the intricacy of the coat hanger work as well as their twisted humour in the addition of the bevelled phrases "Pro Life" and "Pro Choice" on opposite sides of the handle. Finally, to mark the passing of the golden age of lens flares in pictures on the internet comes this new and really quite special piece of memorabilia from Germany’s up-and-coming Scheisshaus Geschenke GmbH simply titled: Eminently Sensible Lens Flare Commemoration Spoon. In sterling silver and overlaid with an innovative hologramatic coating that incorporates several well-known lens flares from internet history it’s a racing certainity that this will be the stand-out spoon of your 2008 collection. The Eminently Sensible Lens Flare Commemoration Spoon also comes in a special presentation box with blinking...
Vintage Slug Advertising
Celebrating the golden age of advertising and the marketing world’s flirtation with all things slug-related, when slugs were the thing for every household to have, men wanted to be slugs, and women wanted their men to leave sticky trails across the kitchen floor. Wait! We still leave sticky trails across the kitchen floor! ‘Slugs’ White Bread Campaign (1957) Adolph’s Slug Substitute (1959) Sluggle Kitchen Cleaner (1952) Interwoven’s Slug Appeal (1978) Keepsake Forehead Slugs (1953) Slugs Holidaymaking Magazine...
neOnbubble Discount Gems Warehouse
Are you looking for cut-price jewellery but without cut-price quality? Then get the hell out of here! No! Only kidding! Stay! Pull up a chair and sit your jewellery-purchasing behind down then whip out your jewellery-purchasing fingers and get ready to purchase some jewellery for yourself, your loved ones, an otherwise meat-only raffle at a church fete, to fill some crackers, or just to appease your insatiable appetite for spending money you don’t have because you want to pass on crippling debt and the stigma of having a worthless parent to your children! Item: #2934934/01 Description: Stunning Everyday Crown Let’s start with a perfect piece of accent jewellery that works as well out shopping as it does on formal nights. Don’t be afraid to make an impact when you step out in your designer crown from neOnbubble Discount Gems Warehouse. Many of the world’s lesser-known designers have been showcasing the crown in the creations on the catwalks of Swindon, Troyes, and Newark this year. You could be the trendsetter in your housing complex if you act right now! Dazzle! It’s so beautiful! Put any worries about weight away right now! This crown – measuring 18cm in diameter – is crafted in Lapland from our exclusive synthetic gold replacement, Goldesque. It’s 26-carat pure Goldesque so you know it’s quality but this entire piece of stunning jewellery weighs far less than you think and is suitable for anyone with even only a casual interest in weightlifting. Sparkling! Nothing says "class" quite like large gemstones and you’ll be the classy king or queen of the classy ball with your crown featuring no less than 6 – count them! – stones of triple A-rated Glassique. Each stone has a minimum gem weight of 3 carrots. No! That’s not a typo! And at a price of under forty pounds sterling that’s a lot of stones for very few pounds! That’s an imperial measurement joke there even though the crown indicates a monarchical system but you probably didn’t get it anyway! Crowntabulous! Item: #1183939/82 Description: "Fancy" Pendant I know you. You’re the sort of person who wants something just a little bit different. Well, you don’t get more different than this fancy pendant made from some of the fanciest pieces of rare Earth minerals found in fields, in the innards of fish, and down the backs of sofas all around the world. Golly! That may look a bit like a peanut in there but that’s actually Peanutrine. Geologically-speaking it’s a young stone but that only adds to its rarity. Could you eat an amethyst in an emergency to survive? Perhaps. But you could definitely get...
Puns For Dads #1: The Flan
Are you a new dad who wants a headstart on embarrassing your offspring with puns at inappropriate moments? Or are you a dad who just needs a refresher course in eliciting groans of despair at family gatherings? Then sit back and enjoy part 1 of this unmissable internet guide to Puns For Dads. Today we’ll be looking at the humble flan; occasionally wheeled out at family meals, this bastion of food provides a large number of puns guaranteed to make your children die a little inside. Scenario: On first seeing the flan Well, flancy that! Blimey! That’s flantastic! That looks so delicious I could dance the flandango. Someone sound a flanfare! Scenario: Praising the flan-maker This is so good it deserves flanmail Did you flan to make it this tasty? You must be the man with the flan! The filling’s sweeter than a Flan Galactic Gargle Blaster. This can’t be real. It’s more like a flantasy. Flankyou very much for this. Scenario: Referencing movies to increase cringing It’s certainly no Flantom Menace! It goes down easier than Flan 9 From Outer Space! Did you find this in the Fland That Time Forgot? Was this produced by Flancis Ford Coppola by any...
A Hairy(less) Experience
It has been brought to my attention that bald men are attractive, virile and powerful. These positive traits were revealed to me in the bathroom mirror at four in the morning after an evening of drinking fermented grapes and smoking fomented naughty weeds by a person who, like me, was balding. In fact it was me (damn the magic world of looking-glasses). Ok – the requisites of baldness are exaggerated through the misty lens of inebriation but it’s nothing to be ashamed of – providing you shed your hair with dignity … Receding hair can be a bit of an annoyance for a man, like myself, who once had long hair and a queue of female admirers (I assume the word ‘queue’ implies any number of people – such as zero). I decided to clip my hair short at the first signs of hair-loss (medical term: a frontal-lobe hirsute lobotomy) allowing fellow humans to see the flesh that had stopped wielding follicles next to their hairy but cropped fellows. I did not – at any point – decide to use hair as a way of shielding baldness. I mean, look at Bobby Charlton. The England World Cup winning midfielder had a vicious right foot that allowed him to propel a football thirty metres from his toes into the top corner of a goal. Yet he also propelled a decimetre of hair in a flapping motion over the surface of his hairless head. What was he thinking? If he was a politician I would have a small amount of understanding since they don’t tend to run around for 90 minutes in front of 70,000 people. Didn’t Sir Bobby know that such energetic activity could cause vortices of hair movement? Well the answer is yes. But in the late 60s/early 70s no-one gave a shit. Which brings me back to my original three-pronged premise about the virtues of baldness. Bobby Charlton must have been attractive since he is married, he sired a weather-girl so he must be virile and his right-foot was very powerful indeed. Baldness may indeed imbue one with various traits … If there was a point to this article then I’m afraid it has been lost in the abyss of my brain. Baldness seemingly allows the loss of memory through the top of one’s head also...
Brut
This is a public service announcement to remind men out there that classic aftershave Brut is still available to buy. Forget about your fancy, expensive smells. Forget about your designer bottles and ludicrously lavish packaging. Brut isn’t a poncey eau de toilette. Brut is a man’s aftershave. It smells like a man smelled in the seventies. Not in his seventies. The seventies. It smells like it for approximately eight minutes before the odour evaporates but that’s more than long enough to feel like a real man. There’s none of that dabbing behind the ears, on the wrists, and light application to the cheeks and chin with Brut. Henry Cooper wanted you to "splash it all over" and BY GUM THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL DO! At under three quid a bottle you can bathe in it and gargle it too. Men! Rediscover the great smell of Brut today! Just ignore the homoerotic adverts from the seventies. Warning! The following advert contains permed hair, sweaty exercising, towel flicking, and gratuitous use of a fist. Warning! The following advert contains excessive nipple rubbing and disappointment at the appearance of a...
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