I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either.
Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on.
Who Are Girls Aloud?
That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining.
Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old planet with water and trees and gold in them thar hills. Although that’s a very close analogy in fact; some of the girls have very nice hills and I imagine many a prospector has dug around trying to stake a claim in his time.
Anyway, let it suffice to say that they’re an all-girl group of singers who wear tiny pieces of clothing and who pop up on television programmes promoting their occasionally catchy songs.
The Girls
Enough of this dilly-dallying – I’m on strict orders from the doctor to limit my dilly-dallying to twelve a week in line with government guidelines or face my twilight years without a dilly-dalliance bone left and only the searing pain of arthritis and the hilarious antics of my alter-ego Professor Sebastian Alzheimer for company – and let’s get on with "the show". That’s a bit of an in-joke there for ultimate Girls Aloud fans like me but it’s a rubbish one and you probably won’t get it.
Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle
There is nothing that Nadine doesn’t know about beer. A regular attendee of the Oktoberfest, owner of her own brewery (Coyle’s Charms; produces a smooth bitter with a hint of raspberries and an annual Christmas ale every August), and self-proclaimed leading light in the field of beer-tasting, Nadine spends much of her free time away from the band hopping (like hops, like you get in beer, God I’m wasted on you lot) from pub to pub in any of the towns or villages near where she is appearing.
Her thirst (thirst, because you drink when you’re thirsty, and you drink beer, and, and do you get it? Oh, why do I bother?) for experiencing new things isn’t just limited to alcohol. However, similarly, it also doesn’t extend to approaches for erotic photography. Oh no. Fully-clothed or a glassing are the only options offered there.
FACT: Nadine invented the water-wheel in 1993 but she wasn’t the first person to do so and so receives no royalties from her ingenuity.
Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Tweedy
Cheryl Tweedy famously got in a fight at The Drink nightclub in Guildford and was convicted of assault, sentenced to perform 120 hours of community service. I went to The Drink once. Once. If I ever went again I’d probably want to punch someone in too. If memory serves it was around £83 for a small bottle of East European alcopops! Wow! Let us in again Mr Doorman! And what the hell is going on with their toilets? And how come people kept treading on my foot? Was that some Guildford thing? Bloody Northerners. Anyway, for this service to humanity Cheryl Tweedy earns the prestigious neOnbubble Medal of You’re Alright You.
Cheryl comes from Newcastle which makes her incomprehensible to the other members of the band. Although the girls appear to get on well on stage and in interviews, behind the scenes it’s another matter. Cheryl is forced to communicate through scrawling notes on toilet paper or using semaphore and this leaves her feeling isolated.
FACT: Cheryl’s hero while growing up was Spuggie from Byker Grove. Now it’s Spider-Man because Spuggie can’t shoot webs out of her hands.
Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh
Kim’s tummy was recently voted the 4th best in the world by Heat magazine which sounds impressive but they never explain the criteria. Best at rumbling? Most ripply? Most people are content to not consider these things but both I and Kim are kept awake at night beset by thoughts like these, worries, ponderings, and bedlice. We’re not in the same place when that happens, I’d just like to point out. Oh, except once. But Kim wasn’t really aware of it at the time and I’m too much of a gentleman to bring the matter up again.
Kim is a true Yorkshire lass through-and-through; when she’s not on stage with the band performing their latest hits Kim knits many of the outfits that Girls Aloud wear on tour. She also raises whippets, practically lives in a hairnet, hasn’t forgiven the Lancastrians for the War of the Roses, and maintains the Big Book of British Stereotypes for the Bradford Museum.
FACT: Kimberley Walsh has a morbid fear of pigeons. The other members of the band wanted to perform a special gig in Trafalgar Square to help her overcome the phobia but she threatened them with a silver stake she carries around to protect her from vampire werewolves and they all backed off. Girls Aloud will not be performing in Trafalgar Square.
Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding
If there’s one thing Sarah loves then it’s strong men. She finds them extremely useful for moving the furniture around her house. Sarah is an amateur feng shui practitioner and hasn’t got it right yet as negative chi still manages to get into her home and kill her plants.
When she can persuade the others Sarah likes to take the band around the local DIY store to pick replacements for the dead, brown foliage cluttering up her house. Naturally, they must all don disguises to avoid being followed around by the staff and customers. Sarah wears a brown beard so if you spot someone with a brown beard in your local DIY store try yanking it off. You never know: it just might be her.
FACT: Sarah Harding enjoys a long-distance game of Risk-by-mail with a fan of the game in Honduras. Sarah has all of Asia, which is good, but it looks like Kamchatka will be lost to an army massing in Alaska on the next turn.
Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s artificial lifeform member of the band. Every band has one. Roger Taylor from Queen is a biological form created in Brian May’s kitchen, for instance, and can morph his body in various ways. How else could he have looked so good in the video for I Want To Break Free? I’m not the only one that fancied him! Shut up!
Nicola is three-quarters quartz-based and her brain is digital. Regrettably it only has a clock-speed of 8MHz and attempts to overclock it once set her hair on fire. The girls of Girls Aloud are very protective of Nicola and try to avoid taking her out in the rain because of her construction. But that’s crazy! She’s water-resistant to three atmospheres! Nicola is indestructible but she does have an ‘off’ switch in a dark, damp, hard-to-reach place. Manchester. Ha ha! Bet you thought I was going to say vagina.
FACT: Nicola picks the band’s tour locations using a ouija board. This explains why they will be performing two dates in ‘Yes’ and the Girls Aloud tour will conclude at ‘judoe4lbb No ffq’ on June 3rd.
April 8, 2005
[/colour][colour=violet] I love girls aloud and nicola is my fav
April 11, 2005
Nicola has a wide head but I still would
April 12, 2005
Girls Aloud haven’t made to my part of the world. I’d never heard of them before reading this. I don’t appear to be missing much, I reckon.
April 12, 2005
I’ll say this for them: some of their stuff is catchy. Like coldsores.
Incidentally, haven’t updated for a while and possibly won’t because my Telco/ISP have managed to render me broadbandless and cable TV-deficient causing much stress and boredom and stress and anger. And stress. Expect rant at them when/if I ever get back online properly.
April 22, 2005
i love girls aloud i think they are the best band in a long time. u dont remember them as tv show winners they gave done really well for themselves and they are all so gorgeous!!!!!!!!! x
April 25, 2005
hiya the only reason im writing is coz im dain a personal projet so thts hw im on this website lol but em i like girls aloud tae i like there songs cheryl is m faav ot eh thm kk c ye ppl bye xoxoxoxoxoxox!!
April 26, 2005
What in the name of living holy hell did ‘mandy’ just write?
April 29, 2005
NADINE is the BEST,
April 29, 2005
Twice ’round the bowl and pointed at both ends. You show me yours and I’ll show you mine. Safe if taken as directed, For external use only. One size fits all (but not in my case). Shove it where the Sun don’t shine.
Mary had a little lamb
But it was always gruntin’
She tied it to the garden gate
And kicked it’s little c*nt in !
The Lord is my shepherd(‘s pie)
I shall not want (but you can, you wee f*cker)
I wonder which one is the best at gobbling cock ?
F*ck’s sake, it’s time for my medication – a bastard big cocaine suppository – like being butt-f*cked by Old Klutey himself.
May 4, 2005
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nicola roberts is the fittest girl in the world
May 6, 2005
Wot woz the diss dat Mel C mouthed bout ’em
Coz I don’t buy ‘Heat’
(‘Heat’ I may explain to foreign readers is a magazine which sports lurid and intrusive stories about celebrities Probably all made up Unlike the factual reportage that you can find on this web site)
Also c’you tell me if Kimberley Walsh is Louie’s sister? an’ if so how come she ain’t Irish
May 7, 2005
hi im called lauren and im mad about GIRLS ALOUD they are da best im only 10 but i am going 2 the concert in 1 week exactly
May 8, 2005
Lauren, your school may not teach you this but I feel it’s quite important to share:
1. ‘I’, referring to yourself, is spelt with a capital letter. ‘I’ and not ‘i’. If there was a problem with your Caps Lock or Shift keys I could excuse you but your use of capitals in the name of the band indicates mere laziness. Laziness is a blight on society; you’re young Lauren. It’s your responsibility to stamp out laziness now.
2. ‘I’m’, being a contraction of the words ‘I’ (covered in point 1) and ‘am’, and further being the first-person singular conjugation of the verb ‘to be’, has an apostrophe in it. The apostrophe represents a mssing letter in this instance, that letter being the ‘a’ of ‘am’. The word ‘im’ has no meaning and a word with no meaning is called a ‘not a word’. When using English one should refrain from using ‘not a word’s as it is often difficult to explain what they are owing to their inexplicability.
3. ‘Da’ is the Russian word for ‘yes’ and, in English, it is also a ‘not a word’. The correct form for what I believe you were trying to say is ‘they are the best’.
4. Punctuation is what separates us from guinea pigs. Commas, full stops, and all the other grammatical inventions are why we humans rule the planet. When you fail to use correct punctuation you advance the onset of the destruction of Earth. Your teachers may hide this fact from you but it’s true. If you want to live in a future world with flying houses and teleportation bread then please give a thought to the humble semi-colon every now and then.
May 8, 2005
Mark the girl is only 10 and you are after typing a load of CRAP!!!!! By the way Girls aloud RULE!!!!!
May 8, 2005
Mark the girl is only 10 and you are after typing a load of CRAP!!!!
What?
May 11, 2005
hi i’m kayleigh I am mad about girl aloud i like all of them. the best sOng is the show love kayleigh + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
May 13, 2005
[colour=darkblue][/colour][size=18][/size]i think nadine is well fit and i would to ride her nonstop (like i havent already done that) i fucked her non stop for 3 hours. she spreads like peanut butter and shecums so fast…………………………..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lee..
May 13, 2005
hi
May 13, 2005
i now like sarah coz she is being nice 2 m. but i dont like mark and i dant want to use a capital i so i wont! deal with it mark!
May 20, 2005
Saw the girls last night¬ manchester Apollo! Cmon!
May 22, 2005
Oh dear Mark, I am a loser.
May 24, 2005
hi, girls aloud rule!!!!! Nadine is my fav!!! I AM THERE BIGGIEST FAN EVA!!!!!!! I’M GONNA C DEM IN CONCERT ON SAT!!!!!!!!!!!1 YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY LONDON YAYAYAYAY OMG I CNT WAIT I’LL B SINGIN MY HEART OUT!!! LOL BI XX
May 29, 2005
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Hi I LUV GIRLS ALOUD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i went 2 c them in concert a couple of weeks ago they were great> I am their biggest fan eva !!!!!!!!!!!!.Nadine and Cheryl r the best but i luv them all. Pleeeeeeeez dnt ever split up i luv u !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXX
May 29, 2005
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hiya i luv girls aloud they r the best !!!! Nadine,cheryl and kimberly r the best!!!!!!! i am their biggest fan and luv them all !!!! i would be gutted if they split up so please stay together foreva!!!!!!! xxx
luv yas
May 30, 2005
Hi fans the show at Hammersmith was brillaint i love girls aloud Kimberley and Cheryl are my fav but I love them all im a big fan.
May 30, 2005
I’d bone them
May 30, 2005
Especially Cheryll I’d cum all over her tits
May 31, 2005
went to see the girls in manch apollo and i gotta say my legs are usually quite strong but as soon as nadine came on stage they were a quivering reck she is te most gorgeous girl ive ever seen
June 1, 2005
1stly MARK, I am a prick, punctuation isnt the only thing that seperates us from guinea pigs, you know, the fact they can’t write in the first place is one. anyway just wanted to say ‘Brian Harvey is the fittest girl eva, fullstop. i’d still do ’em all tho’.
June 7, 2005
Theese pics ARE NOT REAL !!!!!!!
Fuck ThaT Sucker!! who maked theese pics.
I love Nadine…
June 13, 2005
hi guys
June 13, 2005
i think girls aloud is cool! my favourite person out of girls aloud is kimbley!
June 29, 2005
I like kimberly
June 30, 2005
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Hi i am their biggest fan eva.I luv Nadine and Cheryl.I luv the songs Love machine,Ill stand by u and Grafitti My Soul.
June 30, 2005
For Gawds sake surly u people (thats hailey, dave, Vicky, bob and Jenny Hamilton) don’t seriously believe this is a real fan site dedicated to the object of your desire?
and Jack May I hope yours, weren’t a misdirected url to a gay chat site, ’cause again, you too, are set for disappointment
No I’m sorry to inform all, you are the victims of Marks cruel talent to draw unsuspecting web surfers into his make belief sites
PS Well done Mark
July 2, 2005
Mark, First of all, after reading your comments especially the reply to young Lauren (who is 10 years old) I came to the conclusion you are a very sad muppet who needs to get a life!
It’s such a shame you cannot think back to when you were 10 and realise how much you did or didn’t know. Where Lauren still needs to learn about punctuation etc which I am sure she will do over time, you need to learn about social skills and empathy because you seriously lack them and I assune you are a lot older than Lauren! Either grow up or shut up!!!!!!!!!
July 4, 2005
And 2nd of all??? Mel
It would seem to me, its not only young Lauren (who is only 10 years old) that needs to pay attention to her English composition
It might have been a more pertinent question, to ask, why as a 10 yr old, she is allowed to surf the web unsupervised
Yes I am aware that kids get everywhere they are not supposed to
Example…
Next door to my residence is a building run by some charity status organisation (for local people!),
Kids regularly climb over its fence into the unkempt and overgrown garden, attracted by a flat roofed outbuilding which has solar panels on it, which they then slide down, and over the years have kicked the crap out of
This does tend to make the area look even more run down than it is, seemingly with the tact approval, of the project’s well paid charity workers (for local people)
Oh Christ! I’m starting to believe that this site is for real
My name is Goff and I’m off see ya!
July 4, 2005
i used to go to sarahs old school lol
July 16, 2005
I love girls and they are the best pop singers in the galaxy! I enjoyed the concert and they all waved at me so they seem very friendly.
July 17, 2005
about the letter above: i meant 2 rite i love girls aloud! THEY R THE BEST!!!
July 19, 2005
How can ANYONE appreciate the blantant manufactured rubbish that Girls Aloud stand for? If it wasn’t for the utter garbage they mass produce, we might actually have a record industry that’s interested in making MUSIC not CASH!
July 19, 2005
"we might actually have a record industry that’s interested in making MUSIC not CASH!"
Oh come on Nick ur not flagging up ur hero, Bono agin, as sum musical Leonardo r u
watzit matter Hibrow pop or lowbrow culture
After all u don’t stand outside an off licence with a placard demanding that all stocks of Carling Black Label ( a particularly loathsome cheap chemical beer, foreign readers) be destroyed because brewers are more interested in making cash, than getting ppl quality pizzed with real ale
July 26, 2005
I am a straight woman but I think Cheryl is v beautiful and has an amazing figure. I’m an arsenal fan and love ashley cole too. They are the sexiest couple in the universe
July 29, 2005
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Jam i agree with u there both gourgous
ummmmmmmm i do them both lol
July 31, 2005
COME VIST AND JOIN!!!!!!!!
August 3, 2005
nicola is very sexy with thos 34Cs
August 3, 2005
Girls Aloud rock! anyone who dosn’t like them are numpties!
August 3, 2005
[colour=violet][/colour][size=9][/size]der girls aloud my fav is nadine and to let you know every one i have went to there house
August 3, 2005
dear girls aloud i think you ROCK i think you are the best i dont like nicala because she is bad i lake nadine bicause she is the best from all of them………. wake me up befor ha ha ha ha in my contry that is bethlehem i am famous any way bye lala
August 4, 2005
hi girls aloud r cool my sis reackons they r rubbish well they rock! i am getting there dvd soon! well i like there new song and im glad i like them coz i theink girls aloud r da best xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx