I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either.
Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on.
Who Are Girls Aloud?
That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining.
Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old planet with water and trees and gold in them thar hills. Although that’s a very close analogy in fact; some of the girls have very nice hills and I imagine many a prospector has dug around trying to stake a claim in his time.
Anyway, let it suffice to say that they’re an all-girl group of singers who wear tiny pieces of clothing and who pop up on television programmes promoting their occasionally catchy songs.
The Girls
Enough of this dilly-dallying – I’m on strict orders from the doctor to limit my dilly-dallying to twelve a week in line with government guidelines or face my twilight years without a dilly-dalliance bone left and only the searing pain of arthritis and the hilarious antics of my alter-ego Professor Sebastian Alzheimer for company – and let’s get on with "the show". That’s a bit of an in-joke there for ultimate Girls Aloud fans like me but it’s a rubbish one and you probably won’t get it.
Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle
There is nothing that Nadine doesn’t know about beer. A regular attendee of the Oktoberfest, owner of her own brewery (Coyle’s Charms; produces a smooth bitter with a hint of raspberries and an annual Christmas ale every August), and self-proclaimed leading light in the field of beer-tasting, Nadine spends much of her free time away from the band hopping (like hops, like you get in beer, God I’m wasted on you lot) from pub to pub in any of the towns or villages near where she is appearing.
Her thirst (thirst, because you drink when you’re thirsty, and you drink beer, and, and do you get it? Oh, why do I bother?) for experiencing new things isn’t just limited to alcohol. However, similarly, it also doesn’t extend to approaches for erotic photography. Oh no. Fully-clothed or a glassing are the only options offered there.
FACT: Nadine invented the water-wheel in 1993 but she wasn’t the first person to do so and so receives no royalties from her ingenuity.
Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Tweedy
Cheryl Tweedy famously got in a fight at The Drink nightclub in Guildford and was convicted of assault, sentenced to perform 120 hours of community service. I went to The Drink once. Once. If I ever went again I’d probably want to punch someone in too. If memory serves it was around £83 for a small bottle of East European alcopops! Wow! Let us in again Mr Doorman! And what the hell is going on with their toilets? And how come people kept treading on my foot? Was that some Guildford thing? Bloody Northerners. Anyway, for this service to humanity Cheryl Tweedy earns the prestigious neOnbubble Medal of You’re Alright You.
Cheryl comes from Newcastle which makes her incomprehensible to the other members of the band. Although the girls appear to get on well on stage and in interviews, behind the scenes it’s another matter. Cheryl is forced to communicate through scrawling notes on toilet paper or using semaphore and this leaves her feeling isolated.
FACT: Cheryl’s hero while growing up was Spuggie from Byker Grove. Now it’s Spider-Man because Spuggie can’t shoot webs out of her hands.
Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh
Kim’s tummy was recently voted the 4th best in the world by Heat magazine which sounds impressive but they never explain the criteria. Best at rumbling? Most ripply? Most people are content to not consider these things but both I and Kim are kept awake at night beset by thoughts like these, worries, ponderings, and bedlice. We’re not in the same place when that happens, I’d just like to point out. Oh, except once. But Kim wasn’t really aware of it at the time and I’m too much of a gentleman to bring the matter up again.
Kim is a true Yorkshire lass through-and-through; when she’s not on stage with the band performing their latest hits Kim knits many of the outfits that Girls Aloud wear on tour. She also raises whippets, practically lives in a hairnet, hasn’t forgiven the Lancastrians for the War of the Roses, and maintains the Big Book of British Stereotypes for the Bradford Museum.
FACT: Kimberley Walsh has a morbid fear of pigeons. The other members of the band wanted to perform a special gig in Trafalgar Square to help her overcome the phobia but she threatened them with a silver stake she carries around to protect her from vampire werewolves and they all backed off. Girls Aloud will not be performing in Trafalgar Square.
Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding
If there’s one thing Sarah loves then it’s strong men. She finds them extremely useful for moving the furniture around her house. Sarah is an amateur feng shui practitioner and hasn’t got it right yet as negative chi still manages to get into her home and kill her plants.
When she can persuade the others Sarah likes to take the band around the local DIY store to pick replacements for the dead, brown foliage cluttering up her house. Naturally, they must all don disguises to avoid being followed around by the staff and customers. Sarah wears a brown beard so if you spot someone with a brown beard in your local DIY store try yanking it off. You never know: it just might be her.
FACT: Sarah Harding enjoys a long-distance game of Risk-by-mail with a fan of the game in Honduras. Sarah has all of Asia, which is good, but it looks like Kamchatka will be lost to an army massing in Alaska on the next turn.
Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s artificial lifeform member of the band. Every band has one. Roger Taylor from Queen is a biological form created in Brian May’s kitchen, for instance, and can morph his body in various ways. How else could he have looked so good in the video for I Want To Break Free? I’m not the only one that fancied him! Shut up!
Nicola is three-quarters quartz-based and her brain is digital. Regrettably it only has a clock-speed of 8MHz and attempts to overclock it once set her hair on fire. The girls of Girls Aloud are very protective of Nicola and try to avoid taking her out in the rain because of her construction. But that’s crazy! She’s water-resistant to three atmospheres! Nicola is indestructible but she does have an ‘off’ switch in a dark, damp, hard-to-reach place. Manchester. Ha ha! Bet you thought I was going to say vagina.
FACT: Nicola picks the band’s tour locations using a ouija board. This explains why they will be performing two dates in ‘Yes’ and the Girls Aloud tour will conclude at ‘judoe4lbb No ffq’ on June 3rd.
August 4, 2005
elo anyone there ? whos getting there new song ? i am it rocks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
August 10, 2005
HI
I have met the girls twice, they were all very nice (at a film premier in london as i attend most as i am a photographer, for dates of film premiers in londons westend in leicester sq look at my website
Do you know where the girls hangout or live near a celebs, email me via http://www.markmeets.com
Cheers
Mark boardman
August 11, 2005
Just hang on a moment Mark Boardman! There are a least a dozen photos on your site, which belong to me and I don’t recall giving a licence for usage on your site!
I can tell you as of this instance that my lawyer has drawn up papers to sue your ass off bwoy! Unless I receive £500.000 from you by Tuesday of next week
August 14, 2005
from the moment i saw nadine for the first time i just couldant belive how georgeouse she was.those lusciouse lips and those golden brown suphisticated eyes she simply is BEAUTIFUL i love her and tyebomb is right there simply is no better singing voice than nadines existing on this planet.xxxxx
October 5, 2005
i went 2 c them on may 8th in cardiff (cia) and my fave is sarah im her biggest fan, she is wkd !
October 5, 2005
by the way its nicolas birthday 2day (october 5th) happy 20th birthday nic ! luv cory x x x
October 5, 2005
Can Nicola give me a blowjob
October 14, 2005
[[size=9]colour=violet][size=24]cheryl’s tarty but quite pretty but she always swivels her hips in really low cut tops so pervert men have her body/stomach right up in thier face. but she’s a good dancer and she’s nice.[/size][/size][/colour]
October 15, 2005
love cheryl but she needs some sort of speech correction! she’s broad, broad geordie and it doesnt sound all that great for such a gorgeous girl!! however,she still stands out from the rest by miles, she’s down to earth, so so pretty and from the north, so we love her! wonder what the wedding will be like?? hope its not a peter and jordan!
October 18, 2005
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i love Girls Aloud and im doin my pop project cause they are the greatest and i love them forever
October 26, 2005
i love girls aloud i think cheryl and kimberley and sarah are great but nadine shows off and nicola is very quite but they are all cool bye for now xx
October 26, 2005
i think girls aloud are cool and always listen to there music i think kimberley is the best though cause she is great but i like everyone else to i hope i can see u one of the day but bye now xx
October 26, 2005
i think girls aloud are the greatest and i will love them forever their really cool and i love there clothe styles bye xx
November 5, 2005
nadine is the best she is prtty, brill voice she just rocks!
November 6, 2005
NICOLA IS STUNNING! she is the best looking out of all of them!
November 7, 2005
HI
I AM A GREAT FAN OF GIRLS ALOUD THEY ARE SO GOOD AT SINGING I THINK SARHA IS EXSALANT I HAVE HER AS MY BACKGROUND ON MY COMPUTER I DONT THINK NADINE AND CHERYL
November 7, 2005
"i think that CHERYL and NADINE are soooooooooooo
pritty and they just totally rock,how great r they"
November 9, 2005
yea, the drink in guildford is crap, but it definatley isn’t north, i really hope thats a typo or you really need to go back to school
November 9, 2005
ang, I’ve checked a map. Guildford is in England and to the north of Portsmouth where the writer of the article resides. Further, England is in the northern half of Europe, which itself is in the northern hemisphere. That’s a whole load of "north" going on so I think it would seem to prove that Guildford is indeed northern, The Drink is therefore a northern working mens club, and you are an elitist Surreyite who believes yourself to be southern when you are, in fact, a mere sneeze away from breeding whippets and wearing a flat cap. QED.
November 9, 2005
I think i need more than a map regarding the verbal alteration between ang and M, coz I’m lost and can find no reference point on this page alluding to the conversation
November 11, 2005
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Hello everyone
I have seen the girls several times but never even managed to get a autograph
Can anyone help me meet the girls
i have a celebrity based website as i love meeting famous people and have details of all the latest london film premier dates ( movie premiers in london) on http://www.markmeets.com
I love girls aloud and played there album all day in america ( free promotion for the girls ) whilst driving from coast to coast
Please all leave a msg about the girls on
http://www.markmeets.com/messageboardguest
Many thanks guys
Mark Boardman
November 11, 2005
Big up GIRLS ALOUD
November 11, 2005
Mark Boardman! Have we not been here before?
The 10th Aug 2005 @ 00.50 in red font to be exact
November 14, 2005
[colour=violet][/colour][size=9][/size] I THINK THAT GIRLS ALOUD R WICKED PLZ PLZ DONT SPIT UP BYESSS PPL *****
November 21, 2005
Chuckie u r a real doll!
November 22, 2005
[colour=violet][/colour][size=12][/size]girls aloud r wick i fink der really pretty and im goin 2 1 of der concerts next yr
November 22, 2005
girls aloud r great especially cheryl and nadin plz dont split up girls luv yas demixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
November 23, 2005
I say that nicola is the hotest girl in the uk
December 1, 2005
freddy kroger wait u will dye soon n never cum bk
lollololol txt bk add me on littlemisspink_12@hotmail.com
December 2, 2005
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Yo wot up!!! Girls Aloud are so fit, its unbelievable. Cant understand, Cheyl is getting married, im here and waiting`for her, looks like i waiting for a v.long time dun it. these girls are talented maybe no ashcroft but lets give em a break. Oh ye I like to suck a complete cock!!! LATERS
December 2, 2005
For the record I don’t suck. More of a lapping motion.
And … I did not edit the above comment! Would I lie to you?
December 4, 2005
[colour=blue][/colour][size=9][/size]hiyah i sooooooooooo want to met the gurls i soo love them
December 6, 2005
I luv nadine an sarah but wen r they gona get there tits out[size=12]
December 9, 2005
[colour=violet][/colour][size=12][/size] I love girls aloud dey r da bst!!!! sarah is mi fav!! she even has da same name as mi lol!!:P im der no.1 fan dey r da bst band in da world!!!!! i gotta go! merry christmas every1!! xxx
December 11, 2005
i wanna have sex with them
December 13, 2005
i lurv nadine coyle i ABSOLUTLY LOVE HER I THINK SHE MAYBE THE FITTEST LASS TO WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH *LETS US PRAY* DEAR GOD THANK YOU FOR BLESSING US WITH NADINE AND THANK YOU IRELAND
LOLOLOLOL
December 20, 2005
i luv ga, so dont say you hate them!
December 21, 2005
Pathetic really innit!
How long ‘as mankind (an’ I do mean man) been on this planet? and it hasn’t advanced further than masturbating over a bunch of grimy paw-marked images of female pop-stars
Seems to me that worshipping the Golden Calf woz not all the Israelites were doing wen Ol’ Moses Came down the mountain wiv the ten commandments
December 22, 2005
GIRLS ALOUD CHEMISTRY ROX IF YOU DIS GIRLS ALOUD YOU R NOT WELCOME ON THIS SITE
December 23, 2005
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mark I am a sad twat
December 25, 2005
You are all sad chumps and I have only ended up on the site by accident so I’m not sure what that makes me. By the way Nadine is absolutely gorgeous and has the best voice in pop at the moment. Cheryl and Kim are also gorgeous but im not so sure about the others.
December 27, 2005
I wank over these babes every night and would dearly love to wank my cock and empty my nutsack all over these chicks, Id fuck there arses so hard they would be spitting spunk for days, ahhh
December 29, 2005
Mark I am a sad twat and often suck on my nan’s left testicle. My commenting ability is about as funny as cancer.
December 31, 2005
GIRLS ALOUD IS THE BEST EVER
December 31, 2005
nobody who dosent like girls aloud is a loser
January 2, 2006
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I love Girls Aloud I’ve got all of there albums.My favourite is Nadine she’s got a great voice and she is very pretty.I would love to meet them one day.Me and my dad think they rock.
January 2, 2006
hi there its nadine again i really really like you girls aloud and i like loe from the x-factor because he was with you
January 9, 2006
ONLY NADINE LOOKS LIKE A SUPER WOMAN.
January 13, 2006
GIRLS ALOUD AR FUCKING FIT, BUT NICOLA IS MY FAV.
I WANK OVER GIRLS ALOUD EVERY NIGHT UNTIL I CANT CUM NO MORE WHICH IS NORMALLY AFTER 3 WANKS NON STOP…
NICOLA IS CUTE AND HER LEGS.. WOW.. WHAT CAN I SAY .. I WOULD LOVE TO BE BETWEEN HER LEGS AND FUCK HER TILL SHE AS MULTIPLE ORGASMS…
OH YEAH IM FUCKING SO HORNY NOW…
I COULD TELL YOU .. LIKE … HOW BAD I WANK NICOLE ON HER KNEES SUCKING ME OFF TILL I CUM ALL OVER HER BOOBS … AND HOW I WOULD LIKE TO STICK MY COCK BETWEEN HER BOOBS AND JUST PUMP AWAY UNTILL MY BURSTS OUT ALL IN HER MOUTH.
I CANT TAKE IT NO MORE I NEED A WANK…………..
January 14, 2006
hi