I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either.
Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on.
Who Are Girls Aloud?
That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining.
Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old planet with water and trees and gold in them thar hills. Although that’s a very close analogy in fact; some of the girls have very nice hills and I imagine many a prospector has dug around trying to stake a claim in his time.
Anyway, let it suffice to say that they’re an all-girl group of singers who wear tiny pieces of clothing and who pop up on television programmes promoting their occasionally catchy songs.
The Girls
Enough of this dilly-dallying – I’m on strict orders from the doctor to limit my dilly-dallying to twelve a week in line with government guidelines or face my twilight years without a dilly-dalliance bone left and only the searing pain of arthritis and the hilarious antics of my alter-ego Professor Sebastian Alzheimer for company – and let’s get on with "the show". That’s a bit of an in-joke there for ultimate Girls Aloud fans like me but it’s a rubbish one and you probably won’t get it.
Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle
There is nothing that Nadine doesn’t know about beer. A regular attendee of the Oktoberfest, owner of her own brewery (Coyle’s Charms; produces a smooth bitter with a hint of raspberries and an annual Christmas ale every August), and self-proclaimed leading light in the field of beer-tasting, Nadine spends much of her free time away from the band hopping (like hops, like you get in beer, God I’m wasted on you lot) from pub to pub in any of the towns or villages near where she is appearing.
Her thirst (thirst, because you drink when you’re thirsty, and you drink beer, and, and do you get it? Oh, why do I bother?) for experiencing new things isn’t just limited to alcohol. However, similarly, it also doesn’t extend to approaches for erotic photography. Oh no. Fully-clothed or a glassing are the only options offered there.
FACT: Nadine invented the water-wheel in 1993 but she wasn’t the first person to do so and so receives no royalties from her ingenuity.
Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Tweedy
Cheryl Tweedy famously got in a fight at The Drink nightclub in Guildford and was convicted of assault, sentenced to perform 120 hours of community service. I went to The Drink once. Once. If I ever went again I’d probably want to punch someone in too. If memory serves it was around £83 for a small bottle of East European alcopops! Wow! Let us in again Mr Doorman! And what the hell is going on with their toilets? And how come people kept treading on my foot? Was that some Guildford thing? Bloody Northerners. Anyway, for this service to humanity Cheryl Tweedy earns the prestigious neOnbubble Medal of You’re Alright You.
Cheryl comes from Newcastle which makes her incomprehensible to the other members of the band. Although the girls appear to get on well on stage and in interviews, behind the scenes it’s another matter. Cheryl is forced to communicate through scrawling notes on toilet paper or using semaphore and this leaves her feeling isolated.
FACT: Cheryl’s hero while growing up was Spuggie from Byker Grove. Now it’s Spider-Man because Spuggie can’t shoot webs out of her hands.
Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh
Kim’s tummy was recently voted the 4th best in the world by Heat magazine which sounds impressive but they never explain the criteria. Best at rumbling? Most ripply? Most people are content to not consider these things but both I and Kim are kept awake at night beset by thoughts like these, worries, ponderings, and bedlice. We’re not in the same place when that happens, I’d just like to point out. Oh, except once. But Kim wasn’t really aware of it at the time and I’m too much of a gentleman to bring the matter up again.
Kim is a true Yorkshire lass through-and-through; when she’s not on stage with the band performing their latest hits Kim knits many of the outfits that Girls Aloud wear on tour. She also raises whippets, practically lives in a hairnet, hasn’t forgiven the Lancastrians for the War of the Roses, and maintains the Big Book of British Stereotypes for the Bradford Museum.
FACT: Kimberley Walsh has a morbid fear of pigeons. The other members of the band wanted to perform a special gig in Trafalgar Square to help her overcome the phobia but she threatened them with a silver stake she carries around to protect her from vampire werewolves and they all backed off. Girls Aloud will not be performing in Trafalgar Square.
Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding
If there’s one thing Sarah loves then it’s strong men. She finds them extremely useful for moving the furniture around her house. Sarah is an amateur feng shui practitioner and hasn’t got it right yet as negative chi still manages to get into her home and kill her plants.
When she can persuade the others Sarah likes to take the band around the local DIY store to pick replacements for the dead, brown foliage cluttering up her house. Naturally, they must all don disguises to avoid being followed around by the staff and customers. Sarah wears a brown beard so if you spot someone with a brown beard in your local DIY store try yanking it off. You never know: it just might be her.
FACT: Sarah Harding enjoys a long-distance game of Risk-by-mail with a fan of the game in Honduras. Sarah has all of Asia, which is good, but it looks like Kamchatka will be lost to an army massing in Alaska on the next turn.
Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s artificial lifeform member of the band. Every band has one. Roger Taylor from Queen is a biological form created in Brian May’s kitchen, for instance, and can morph his body in various ways. How else could he have looked so good in the video for I Want To Break Free? I’m not the only one that fancied him! Shut up!
Nicola is three-quarters quartz-based and her brain is digital. Regrettably it only has a clock-speed of 8MHz and attempts to overclock it once set her hair on fire. The girls of Girls Aloud are very protective of Nicola and try to avoid taking her out in the rain because of her construction. But that’s crazy! She’s water-resistant to three atmospheres! Nicola is indestructible but she does have an ‘off’ switch in a dark, damp, hard-to-reach place. Manchester. Ha ha! Bet you thought I was going to say vagina.
FACT: Nicola picks the band’s tour locations using a ouija board. This explains why they will be performing two dates in ‘Yes’ and the Girls Aloud tour will conclude at ‘judoe4lbb No ffq’ on June 3rd.
January 14, 2006
Well at least Gee man’s overpowering and irresistible urge, (brought on no doubt by over exciting his brain or something with self conjured images of himself and members of this pop band gyrating in in what he sadly imagines is some erotic tryst) has stopped him from filling the page with even more lurid detailing of his sexual proclivity
How deeply unfortunate, that it is the limit, Gee mans ambition will ever get in real time (and the current UK law) regarding the objects of his affection!
January 15, 2006
my friend likes cheryl, my sis likes nicola and i like kimberley.
January 15, 2006
i just want to say to my sis happy birthday for today. cumpleanon felices.
January 15, 2006
[/size][size=7][/size][size=18][size=24][/size]hello giunipigs
January 15, 2006
The above named is clearly an impostor Mark!
A number of clues in the scrip (only obvious to someone with an unusual agile analytical sleuth like mind of Sherlock’ean proportions!)
Lead me to deduce that it is, a sad, somewhat educationally unskilled impostor, masquerading as your good self …….
There is also the small triffle … just possibly he could have been named such at birth, but what are the chances of that eh…sacre bleu!
January 17, 2006
[size=18][/size]
My Fave Is Nicola Coz She Is Beautiful N Has A Lovely Voice I Luv Ah
My Least Fave Is Nadine Coz I Fink She Shows Off n Thinks She’s Da Best
GIRLS ALOUD ROCK THO
January 17, 2006
[size=18][/size] Nicola Rules And Nadine Drulez
Hahahahahahah!!!!!
January 20, 2006
The one with red hair is fucking vile.
January 22, 2006
les h says the one with the red hair is fuckin vile. wat the fuck is he on shes the best. I’m a prick by the way
January 22, 2006
girls aloud are top, and nicola is so beautiful.
January 22, 2006
Well This is da order dat i like em Sarah Nicola Cheryl Kimberly Then Nadine but now im thinking about changing my mind because i like all of ’em
January 23, 2006
I’m on Dr Who! Ner ner ner!
February 4, 2006
Cheryl is da best ever nadine is best singer then cherly then kimberley then sarah then nicola and the prettiest goes cheryl sarah nadine kimberley nicola but their all soooo cool i reallly wish one day i could meet them
February 6, 2006
[size=12][/size]Oh my god i cant believe u can put girls aloud down like that when they are so talented and most of the United Kingdom watched Popstars:The Rivals which is alot more people to be interested in a band than most other artists from the UK. So before you go saying things like that, think about how you are presenting yourself – getting a kick out of putting others down.
February 6, 2006
[colour=cyan][colour=violet][size=12][/size]hi girls aloud i have got nearly all your cds but 1 i am tryin to get that 1 thogh i luv cherle is the best but i like u all i wish one day i could see u 1 day but not this time cos i will never
February 7, 2006
Jez’us how cum the font instructions, Mark ‘as provided seem soooooo hard to follow, for the posters on this page?
‘N I thought it woz only TinaSovistik! Hoiw wrong can u be?
February 10, 2006
luv ya girls yer class!!!
February 14, 2006
i love girls aloud
February 16, 2006
I think nadine is the sexiest girl on earth.Does anyone now how they can come to your house
February 20, 2006
[colour=cyan][/colour][size=12][/size] i think GA are the best!!!!!!!!!!!
i am there biggest fan!!!!!!!!!!
love ya loads!!
love jozxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
February 20, 2006
[size=18][/size][colour=violet][/colour] im sorry but how can u lot compare da girls they r all great they are all as good as each other (lol) 🙂 xx luv laz
girls aloud biggest fan luv ya chicks xxxx
February 20, 2006
[size=18][/size][colour=violet][/colour] plus i av been 2 all there concerts luv ya xxx ps who ever reads dis email bac
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
February 21, 2006
Look Ppl! as Mark says it aint dat ‘ard
February 21, 2006
[b][/b][u][/u] wat do u mean it aint dat hard wat do u mean ? weirdo lol
February 22, 2006
there is nuffin wrong with nicola (red hair) duh
February 23, 2006
any 1 gonna reply email me bac okay
February 24, 2006
wateva ur dumb any way
February 25, 2006
its just ur jelous that in life u will never get that far
February 27, 2006
nadine u rok harder den all of dem ur beast!!!!!!!!!!
March 3, 2006
i know j harper
March 4, 2006
i love girlsaloud ym fav is nadine xxxxxxxxxxxx
March 4, 2006
[size=24][/size]i love girls aloud i want to shag them
March 4, 2006
hey am kimberley i love your band my fave song is jump it will not get out my head the web is great like the BEST web my fave person is kimberley shes very pretty and her hair is very pretty then cheryl like the best then nadine the rest are the same . i love you bye
kiimberley
March 5, 2006
[colour=violet][/colour]
Hi i am annalise and i think girls aloud rule and i wish they could perform in germany so that i can see them my favourite song is long hot summer. That song never gets on my nerves. I love Cheryl tweedy cause she is a Goerdie like me and i am so jealous cause she is so pretty.
Luv Annalisexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
March 6, 2006
I’m an old man from Cheryls hometown Newcastle, where I stack shelves 40 hours a week and I have just split from my wife who at 24 is 38 years younger than me. I wank constantly over Cheryl, she’s goregous I would shag her ova and ova, after she’s cooked me my favourite meal of steak pies and chips I’d relieve my cock over and over. Oh yes. Gotta wank just thinking about her in stockings, suspenders and high heels!!
March 8, 2006
I luv ya
March 9, 2006
hi its louise i am your number 1 fan i think you girls are great singers and i know all the words to your songs also i love your new video whole lotta history it has been my dream to meet you girls it would be fantastic if i could and also could you please send me a signed photo of you i would really appreciate it
thanks
March 9, 2006
Heya OMG I LOVE SARAHS NEW HAIR CUT I FIRST SAW IT OAN DAVINAS CHAT SHOW PLEASE IF ANYWAN HIS A GOOD PIC OF IT RITE BAK :> X X LUFF YEZ XX
I LOVEEEEEEEE ITTTT !!
March 11, 2006
I really like Girls Aloud
Nicola is My Favorite
i also Westlife Mark is my favorite
Girls Aloud are really good singers
Westlife are really Good singers
because i been to see them
& i would like to go and see Girls Aloud
in Concert i have seen westlife twice
i have got lots of their CDs i Have
got a poster Of Girls Aloud
see you soon
love Brianna
March 12, 2006
hiya Girls Aloud are ace n they should neva split up Nicola is by far the best though.I av been 2 c em in concert n they wer ace n they had the audience going mad!!!! I am looking forwood 2 going to their up coming tour ‘Chemisrty’The album is gr8 so i fink that the tour wil be INCREDIBLE!!!
March 17, 2006
Hiya nicola please can you do a concert in germany for my 13th birthday please i love you girls and if you can please do the concert in Hannover in germany
luv ya
Annalisexxxxxxxxxxxx
March 20, 2006
[colour=blue][/colour][size=24][/size]
hiya!
Jus 2 let u know im no1 fan of Girls Aloud im MAD about dem. Nicola is mi fav i like the rest aswell!
I LOVE THE GIRLS!!!
Please o please do a concert 4 me in Bedfored or Milton Keynes and cell tickets 4 it PLEASE!
LOVE U!
xxxxxxxxx
March 21, 2006
been to see them twice soon to be three times, they are great live, you dont realize how fit they are until you see them from close up, nicola is the fittest out of them but all of them are fit
March 22, 2006
[b][/b][colour=violet][/colour][size=12][/size]hi ma name is ruth i am mad bout girls aloud kimberley is my fav though i am going 2 c their concerrt in 2 months
March 24, 2006
No-one can use bbcode properly. This is incredibly amusing. For those who obviously have no knowledge of this, here’s how its done:
When you select the colour from the drop-down menu, you will notice something like this [ colour=summat ], followed by [ /colour ]. You write what you want to say IN BETWEEN these two texts. If you want to use size as well, you put [ size=40 ] after [ colour=brown ], and write your text, and then add the [ /size ] and then [ /colour ]. And same goes for bold, italics, whatever. You stack up the ones without the / before your text, and the ones with a / after. Comprendez?
conveniently enough, there are instructions above the box you write in.
March 25, 2006
Girls aloud r da best, whoeva slags them off is gay! i cant wait til their documentry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 28, 2006
Im not into the pop stuff but girls aloud are pretty good, i like nicola best, she dont smile and she dont flirt but its just something she does that draws me to her.
March 30, 2006
Trouble in Paradise
Girls Aloud singer Nadine, is reported to be in the process of ditching the band which made her famous and making a solo bid
The Irish wannabe Diva who is currently dating ‘Desperate Housewives’ Jesse Metcalfe, is "sick to death" of the manufactured all-girl pop troupe.
Auld Jesse wouldn’t have said to her "Nadine my love you’re too good for this band, you’re destined for Diva status" would he?
A pal tells The Sun, (uncollaborated m’lud i.e. they could’ a jus’ made it up) “Nadine’s had enough. A solo career is now on."
April 1, 2006
hi it is…
and i just wonted to say i am GA’s BIGGEST FAN so there and i have got pictures of them all over my room my friends say i am mad about them so there in your face everyboddy AND I AM GOING TO THERE CONSERT!!!!!!!!
April 1, 2006
hello im emily
im REALLY big fan of girlsaloud i’ve got pictures of them poster you name it there all in my room .Me and my friend jessica we bouth love your band .i really like sarah and cherrlie .some times me and my friend (jessica)i know its sad but we preddent that were girls aloud and im sarah and jessica is cherrlie lol .Anyway i love you all loadz and i really want to go to one of your consert and cherrlie your my fav to lov ya all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx emily x-x-x-x