I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either.
Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on.
Who Are Girls Aloud?
That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining.
Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old planet with water and trees and gold in them thar hills. Although that’s a very close analogy in fact; some of the girls have very nice hills and I imagine many a prospector has dug around trying to stake a claim in his time.
Anyway, let it suffice to say that they’re an all-girl group of singers who wear tiny pieces of clothing and who pop up on television programmes promoting their occasionally catchy songs.
The Girls
Enough of this dilly-dallying – I’m on strict orders from the doctor to limit my dilly-dallying to twelve a week in line with government guidelines or face my twilight years without a dilly-dalliance bone left and only the searing pain of arthritis and the hilarious antics of my alter-ego Professor Sebastian Alzheimer for company – and let’s get on with "the show". That’s a bit of an in-joke there for ultimate Girls Aloud fans like me but it’s a rubbish one and you probably won’t get it.
Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle
There is nothing that Nadine doesn’t know about beer. A regular attendee of the Oktoberfest, owner of her own brewery (Coyle’s Charms; produces a smooth bitter with a hint of raspberries and an annual Christmas ale every August), and self-proclaimed leading light in the field of beer-tasting, Nadine spends much of her free time away from the band hopping (like hops, like you get in beer, God I’m wasted on you lot) from pub to pub in any of the towns or villages near where she is appearing.
Her thirst (thirst, because you drink when you’re thirsty, and you drink beer, and, and do you get it? Oh, why do I bother?) for experiencing new things isn’t just limited to alcohol. However, similarly, it also doesn’t extend to approaches for erotic photography. Oh no. Fully-clothed or a glassing are the only options offered there.
FACT: Nadine invented the water-wheel in 1993 but she wasn’t the first person to do so and so receives no royalties from her ingenuity.
Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Tweedy
Cheryl Tweedy famously got in a fight at The Drink nightclub in Guildford and was convicted of assault, sentenced to perform 120 hours of community service. I went to The Drink once. Once. If I ever went again I’d probably want to punch someone in too. If memory serves it was around £83 for a small bottle of East European alcopops! Wow! Let us in again Mr Doorman! And what the hell is going on with their toilets? And how come people kept treading on my foot? Was that some Guildford thing? Bloody Northerners. Anyway, for this service to humanity Cheryl Tweedy earns the prestigious neOnbubble Medal of You’re Alright You.
Cheryl comes from Newcastle which makes her incomprehensible to the other members of the band. Although the girls appear to get on well on stage and in interviews, behind the scenes it’s another matter. Cheryl is forced to communicate through scrawling notes on toilet paper or using semaphore and this leaves her feeling isolated.
FACT: Cheryl’s hero while growing up was Spuggie from Byker Grove. Now it’s Spider-Man because Spuggie can’t shoot webs out of her hands.
Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh
Kim’s tummy was recently voted the 4th best in the world by Heat magazine which sounds impressive but they never explain the criteria. Best at rumbling? Most ripply? Most people are content to not consider these things but both I and Kim are kept awake at night beset by thoughts like these, worries, ponderings, and bedlice. We’re not in the same place when that happens, I’d just like to point out. Oh, except once. But Kim wasn’t really aware of it at the time and I’m too much of a gentleman to bring the matter up again.
Kim is a true Yorkshire lass through-and-through; when she’s not on stage with the band performing their latest hits Kim knits many of the outfits that Girls Aloud wear on tour. She also raises whippets, practically lives in a hairnet, hasn’t forgiven the Lancastrians for the War of the Roses, and maintains the Big Book of British Stereotypes for the Bradford Museum.
FACT: Kimberley Walsh has a morbid fear of pigeons. The other members of the band wanted to perform a special gig in Trafalgar Square to help her overcome the phobia but she threatened them with a silver stake she carries around to protect her from vampire werewolves and they all backed off. Girls Aloud will not be performing in Trafalgar Square.
Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding
If there’s one thing Sarah loves then it’s strong men. She finds them extremely useful for moving the furniture around her house. Sarah is an amateur feng shui practitioner and hasn’t got it right yet as negative chi still manages to get into her home and kill her plants.
When she can persuade the others Sarah likes to take the band around the local DIY store to pick replacements for the dead, brown foliage cluttering up her house. Naturally, they must all don disguises to avoid being followed around by the staff and customers. Sarah wears a brown beard so if you spot someone with a brown beard in your local DIY store try yanking it off. You never know: it just might be her.
FACT: Sarah Harding enjoys a long-distance game of Risk-by-mail with a fan of the game in Honduras. Sarah has all of Asia, which is good, but it looks like Kamchatka will be lost to an army massing in Alaska on the next turn.
Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s artificial lifeform member of the band. Every band has one. Roger Taylor from Queen is a biological form created in Brian May’s kitchen, for instance, and can morph his body in various ways. How else could he have looked so good in the video for I Want To Break Free? I’m not the only one that fancied him! Shut up!
Nicola is three-quarters quartz-based and her brain is digital. Regrettably it only has a clock-speed of 8MHz and attempts to overclock it once set her hair on fire. The girls of Girls Aloud are very protective of Nicola and try to avoid taking her out in the rain because of her construction. But that’s crazy! She’s water-resistant to three atmospheres! Nicola is indestructible but she does have an ‘off’ switch in a dark, damp, hard-to-reach place. Manchester. Ha ha! Bet you thought I was going to say vagina.
FACT: Nicola picks the band’s tour locations using a ouija board. This explains why they will be performing two dates in ‘Yes’ and the Girls Aloud tour will conclude at ‘judoe4lbb No ffq’ on June 3rd.
September 1, 2006
Here’s a link to large pictures of the Girls Aloud 2007 Calendar if anyone’s interested:
Girls Aloud 2007 Calendar
September 3, 2006
I think Girls Aloud r great, they got some wicked songs. Nicola’s the best, she’s hilarious in Girls Aloud: Off The Record.
September 4, 2006
I think girls aloud rule an dae r da best eva plz dont split up coz pop music wood b ova 4eva i like nadine and kimberley da best but the rest of dem rule as well by thaway tyla iv got 327 pictures which in case u cant count is well more dan ur pal emily
September 6, 2006
New feature added to comments today (6th September 2006)
Type a YouTube URL in the comments and it gets automatically embedded as the video. Like this:
September 24, 2006
i love ur new song it is well cool ‘somthing kinda ooh jumping on my tutu’ thats well cool
September 30, 2006
I love Girls Aloud and have followed them since Popstars:The Rivals! I love their music coz pop is cool but like they say, dying a death!!! I am a mega fan! xxx
October 4, 2006
I like girls aloud too, I so wanna nob em all
October 6, 2006
i just want to say that girls allowed are the sexiest girlband the world has ever seen expecaly kimberly as she is by far the fittest
October 15, 2006
Cheryl is da best !!!
November 4, 2006
i luv girls aloud they are so great i realy want to meet them luv
meg xxxxxxxbloody ell i do luv them
December 1, 2006
i wanted like to meet kimberley
December 3, 2006
hey hey we think this wee site is class we luv girlsaloud
December 5, 2006
cheryls the best theres a girl in dundee who looks exactly like her so stressing couldnt help but hate her girls aloud are the best
December 8, 2006
Girls Aloud are rubbish and your writing is tiresome, mate. You are NOT a journalist, so take that fancy out of your head.
Mark Replies Referring To Himself In The 3rd Person:
Thanks El! I spent nine years at the Seville Tiresome Writing School For Wayward Boys so I’m happy to see it hasn’t all been in vain.
As for me NOT being a journalist: thanks too! I’m also NOT a Rubik’s Cube. Nor am I a coffee percolator. Please feel free to state the obvious more as you roam around the internet. People out here like that sort of no-nonsense obsessive compulsive behaviour.
Finally, if I can make one small request? Please don’t call me ‘mate’. I know it’s a fairly generalised term but the world is full of people of similar intellect to yourself who might mistakenly think you and I were – horror of horrors – actually mates. What a thought! Fancy me lowering my standards like that!
Thanks for popping by! Come back soon!
December 15, 2006
girlsaloud are a very group of girls
December 16, 2006
i like u girls aloud and you all are my favrote singers in the world
December 16, 2006
i hate girls aloud and mark is really annoying i dont no y people like tjem
December 21, 2006
nicola is my fav she is really glamourous she knows me and im going to a girl aloud concert next year
December 27, 2006
i think Girls Aloud are brillant They are my favourite band my other favourite band is westlife i really want to go and see Girls Aloud conert for my birthday
because they are my favourite Band
of all
time
Brianna
December 27, 2006
I luv u girls nadine is so sexy i wanna snog her all night.
from luv ya babe 07.xxxxxx
December 28, 2006
nicola is soooooo sexy i am next to go out with her 🙂 and i am a singer we are a good match
December 30, 2006
hi, girls aloud r tha bst i am sooo there no.1 fan i love cheryl tweedy she is da bst one i ove dem all though.nadine is sooo pretty and i get told that i look like nicola ohhh im soo happy that i look like one of them GIRLS ALOUD R DA BST!!!
December 30, 2006
i have met nicola,cheryl and nadine.HAHHAHAHA!!!! NO IM ONLY JOKIN BUT I AV MET UM.
January 1, 2007
i loved girls aloud
January 1, 2007
Your ok not as good as rihanna she is awsome unlike you geeks except from Sarah and Nadine they have everythin rock on both of you others get sorted
March 25, 2007
Kimberly i love you.
In 1 of the photos you are flashing your knickers.
I would luv to lye Owner Note: lye is a caustic solution made from ashes. It is not a verb! in front of them until i couldn’t stop pumping Owner Note: don’t try this at home kids! Bicycle repair should always be carried out by a qualified cycle-repairer and out of sight of any member of Girls Aloud.
What is our child going to be called.
April 12, 2007
Nadine your sooooooooo pretty …..even in all your pictures ….i love girls aloud soooooooo much and Nadine u are my favourite out of the rest of d girls ….. and yous are all me favourie singers and Nadine you are me favourite ……. o ya wil sum w/b please …………………………. yous are d best xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
April 19, 2007
Pictures of Sarah Harding in swimwear – http://www.ultimodirect.com/brochure
May 19, 2007
Nicola’s the best, she’s the only good one too!
August 9, 2007
Here are pictures of Girls Aloud on the set of their latest video!
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/14482915.html
August 30, 2007
has anybody seen the pic of sarah harding when her top slipped down , quility , a very beautiful woman
September 7, 2007
all those wanting to be either one of or be with one of girls aloud are nutters. i’ve known nadine for 2 years or so and you ‘i luv you, ur the bst’ weirdos scare her immensly. sure, being a fan is all fine and dandy but my god, you don’t half go overboard. the cult of celebrity has turned all your brains to mush.
well, i hope you’ve all learnt a valuable lesson today, teacher will be back to impart more wisdom whenever he feels like doing so 🙂
September 15, 2007
you are all a bunch of sad w****rs. Honestly, I have never read so much rubbish in my life. You want to be her? You sad f**k*ng cow, grow up, I’m leaving this site b4 I have to scan-read any more of this b*ll*x.
September 26, 2007
Girls Aloud are in the book of records
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7014386.stm
December 5, 2007
Well, I cant agree more.
January 7, 2008
i am sooo in love with girls aloud i am the only no.1 fan they have ever met i have got all my room full of girls aloud and im going to there concert called tangled up i love them sooo sooo soooo soo soo soo soo much my best 1 is definately kimberly she’s well da best 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 22, 2008
First, jodi Mc.
No such word as sooo. Please type and try again.
Second, DA is not a word.
not site owner
May 14, 2008
This Is Realy What Sammy Needs Right And She Had Pink Glassses A Bit Of Nice Things She Has Brown Hair And She Is Silly
May 14, 2008
Dido Looks Nice And She Has A Cool Shoes And Realy Nice Top’s And Skirt Realy Sasy Did I Say Her Earings Any way Why Are Boys In This Web Iseit It Fashoin Tips For GIRLS NOT BOYS LIKE Mark Paul Nick Eden Jamie Griffths And Jack Is That Weird Or Is That Just Me?
June 25, 2008
everybody in girls aloud looks amazing cant wait for cheryls birthday
January 13, 2009
Girls aloud are the best band in the universe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I LOVE U ALL THE SAME AND THATS ALOT,ALOT,ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 13, 2009
I love ur song ROLLIN BACK THE RIVER IN TIME its the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and i have all your albums!!!!!!!!
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 18, 2009
OMFG girls aloud are god danm good maytee so to all the ppl out their stop saying there bad coz trust day aint!!
yeahh mayteee lol (:
(:
wooo girls aloud (:
x
February 6, 2009
you are the best i love you all girls aloudxxx my street dance
teacher is the girls aloud background person his name is simon you are the best everxxx
February 9, 2009
i luv u girls aloud i have followed u since poipstars. i luv u all especially cheryl and ur great frend kimbs but i littarlly luv u all the samexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi luv uxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxi dream bout meetin uxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxwish i cud meet uxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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March 9, 2009
Girls Aloud rock !!!, they are like best ever i have all there albums and anymore that come out i will be first to buy it !!!!!!!!
No affence to the other girls but Cheryl is my fave i sooooo want to be like her when im older !!!
luvs yu Girls Aloud, luv ur NO.1 FAN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
March 25, 2009
theyy r amzin i think theyy r well kwl
March 25, 2009
btw ppl i dont no bwt this so can i ask u a question ……….
do girls aloud look at this ?
if they do i will be so chuffed cuz i want them to sayy somethink for me on telivision
girls aloud my name is theresa and i would like you do hotmail me i will give you my email address because i want to ask you a question …. x.theresax@hotmail.co.uk plaese get in contact with me plzzzzzzzzzzzzz luv u grls aloud ure so kwl
March 25, 2009
ppl @t the end off the day u cant just slag them off behind there back ure just all jelues cuz u cant sing can ya !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 25, 2009
u mongo chole