Posted By Mark on May 15, 2008 | 12 comments

Scottish researchers (or "alcoholics") have recently discovered (or "hallucinated") some quite interesting results with respect to the way that music can affect the taste of wine.

Via the BBC:

The researchers said cabernet sauvignon was most affected by "powerful and heavy" music, and chardonnay by "zingy and refreshing" sounds.

This contrasts a little with my own understanding of wine which has concluded after many years that chardonnay is best improved upon by pouring it down the sink and drinking something else entirely.

Some of the specifics of the research (or "party") include assertions that Cabernet Sauvignon is improved by Jimi Hendrix, Syrah is best with Enya, and Merlot can be enhanced with an aural assault from Lionel Ritchie.

As a person with ears who enjoys the way that music drowns out the voices telling him to burn and kill and poke repeatedly and as a world-renowned, respected expert (in my mind) in all things alcoholic beverage-related this particular "research" grabbed my hmmm-that’s-appealing-to-me node and strangled it into submission. To put it bluntly: I conducted my own minor examination (or "binge") into the subject and came up with the following list of perfect musical accompaniments to a handful of this planet’s drinks of an adult nature.

Campari

When I’m running around flapping like a mad thing that’s just been infected with mad mad thing’s disease and scraping at my tongue with hands, feet, gardening equipment, and the talons of freshly-captured birds of prey to try to rid my tastebuds of the face-scrunchingly bitter drink then nothing aids in the Campari Dance quite like "Me Ole Bamboo" from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

There is no more powerful force for getting one’s hands, legs, arms, knees, grannies, necks, and elbows moving in and out of rhythm than a good old-fashioned cockney tune. In the absence of Dick Van Dyke’s genuine Londonesque stylings you can try a bit of Chas & Dave.

Baileys

Baileys – indeed, all cream-based liqueurs – are supposed to be sipped over ice slowly so that they can caress their ways down your gullet and gently coat your innards in a creamy coating protecting it from all manner of ills: ulcers, harsh spirits made in a bathtub somewhere, accidental swallowing during a bukkake marathon, etc.

In order to effectively line the floor, walls, and ceiling of your gastric organs a hip-based swirling motion is ideal and so we need to turn to the belly-dancing-encouraging sounds of Lebanon’s Nelly Makdessi and her delightful ditty "Ouf Ouf".

Rememer: hip-shaking, not thrusting you filthy pervert.

Woods Navy Rum

Woods is strong, sweet, strong, sticky, strong, and 300% guaranteed to give you the Mother Of All Hangovers the following day if you forget that it’s quite strong.

To counter this particular drink we need to find something that sours the taste, that leaves the listener cold and possibly weakened from the trauma. A song that captivates even as it disturbs thereby reducing fluidic intake of the rum through stupefaction.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you "Wired For Sound" by Sir Cliff Richard?

Champagne

Champagne is dignified, refined, high-brow, dry, and effervescent. In that respect it’s almost exactly like me. Champagne is also French and should be served in a tall, narrow glass to stop it going flat. In that respect it’s nothing like me as I’m not French.

In order to best enjoy champagne it’s therefore just as easy to think what sort of music would most please a person who was blessed with my presence for any period of time. Something uplifting, chest-puffing, chin-raising, pride-inducing, yet ever-so-slightly menacing.

It can only be "Links 2 3 4" from Rammstein.