Posted By Mark on Jul 4, 2010 | 4 comments

You can’t fail to learn a thing or two about maintaining a garden when you venture out into your own once or twice a year but somehow I’ve managed it. Never mind, though, because what I lack in gardening skills and knowledge I more than make up for with an active imagination and that’s why I’m treating all the people interested in keeping their own gardens looking prim and proper to these gold-plated, cast-iron-effect-tin, 63% certified, professional gardening hints and tips.

Just to clarify: the gardening tips are professional; the tips are not for professional gardens. I don’t even know what a professional garden is. Even if there were such a thing then what’s an amateur garden? Is it only a garden for special horticultural events but the rest of the week it’s a butcher? Maybe. Speaking of "maybe" I may be veering off the point here somewhat.

Gardening Tips

• Licking pollen makes you veer off the point somewhat.
• A goat is a gardener’s best friend.
• Don’t blink. Blink and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t blink. Otherwise fucking lilac grows everywhere.
• Gravel is a gardener’s best friend.
• Do not watch Jumanji just prior to venturing into your own backyard jungle; it’s really not a very good film.
• Wear a yellow tee shirt and witness nature’s rare "Look at this giant flower everyone!" dance by a herd of bees at close quarters.
• Paving slabs are a gardener’s best friends.
• You call it a flower; your wife calls it a weed. Accept it is a weed and remove it as ordered. Do not waste time and energy arguing. Every second spent arguing is a second spent in the scary garden of doom.
• If you smell moonshine and hear a banjo deep amongst the garden undergrowth then back away slowly and quietly and call for armed reinforcements.
• Six tonnes of concrete is a gardener’s best friend.
• Every shovelful of dirt turned over, every bush pruned, and every troupe of toads scooped up and batted into the neighbours’ garden is a potential Pixar animated classic gone for good.
• A flame thrower is a gardener’s best friend.
• Attractive pots and urns in your garden prevent things growing under their bases; but only for so long.
• Letting everything rot where it falls is only natural. It’s certainly natural for me because I’m naturally lazy.
• Napalm is a gardener’s best friend.
• Fans of low-maintenance gardens should have saved their money and bought an underground bunker instead of a house with a strip of land out the back shouldn’t they Mr Hindsight?
• Taking off and nuking the site from orbit is a gardener’s best friend.