The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
August 18, 2004
8 year old girl is gets home two hours late, her clothes half ripped off her, her dad is steaming ‘what the hell has happened?’ ‘oh daddy daddy there was this man’ ‘tell me more’ ‘he said he had some puppies’ she breaks down ‘what happened?’ insists the father ‘he took me back to his house, oh daddy, daddy!’ she breaks down again ‘what happened?’ ‘he didnt have any puppies daddy’ ‘what happened?’ ‘I cant remember daddy’ Her dad is frantically beating one off by now ‘WELL FUCKING MAKE IT UP!’
November 3, 2004
these r rlyrlyrly sick as if u sit there and make thses up!
November 10, 2004
hi
November 23, 2004
wot do u do after u fuck an eight year old girl,
turn her around and pretend shes an eight year olkd boy
December 16, 2004
u sad weard twats that’s sick (wankers)
December 16, 2004
u sad weard twats that’s sick (wankers)
December 17, 2004
Q; why was it stupid for the man to cut off her legs?
A; he could have put his dick in her mouth while he lay on his back and spun her around like a hellicopter.
December 17, 2004
Q; how do you get dead kids to eat their vegetables?
A; bury them in the garden.
December 17, 2004
i would greatly appreciate your opinions on my jokes because i made them up the last three (the first i read in a steven king essay)
December 17, 2004
The last was the best
December 17, 2004
these i made up:
Q; How do you get a dead baby to come down from a tree?
A; Keep throwing dead babies into the tree until it becomes heavy and falls.
Q: How do you make a dead baby stuck in a tree disappear?
A; Throw a hungry cat into the tree.
Q; How do get the same cat to come down from the tree?
A; tempt it by tossing another dead baby on the ground.
January 6, 2005
[colour=olive][/colour]
what sits in a corner and is beige and red all over?
a baby chewing on razor blades
also
whats worse them 5 babies in one trash can
1 baby in 5 trash cans
and
whats worse than a 50 year old man with a 5 year old girl?
a 50 year old man with a 5 year old boy
January 13, 2005
What’s green and eats nuts?
Syphilis
January 13, 2005
wats the best thing about fucking twenty-two year olds?
Theres 20 of them
January 19, 2005
These jokes are all soooo funny! Well done i say 😀 lol. x
January 20, 2005
I know this is a sick jokes site and thats the whole point but ffs,couldnt you guys get in serious legal bother ie Incitement to child molestation ?????
One or two good ‘uns here tho 🙂
January 21, 2005
There’s no legal recourse to jokes, no matter how sick. Now, the government would like to make religious jokes an offence – check for recent arguments to parliamentary committees by, among others, Rowan Atkinson – because they might be inflammatory (whilst still having no problem with starting wars as, apparently, they’re not) but sick jokes … never!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Stop! This joke incites behaviour that could cause a poultry/traffic-related accident! By order of HM Goverment.
February 17, 2005
excellent
March 9, 2005
What’s the best thing about fucking a seven year old girl?
When you get the pictures back, your cock looks fucking huge
March 9, 2005
What is better than winning a gold metal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded
March 9, 2005
what is the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered woman’s shelter?
The dishes if she knows what’s good for her
March 9, 2005
What does a seventy-five year old woman’s pussy smell like?
Depends
March 9, 2005
What’s the best thing about fucking a twelve year old girl?
It feels like a ten year old boy
March 9, 2005
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Cause it scares the shit out of the dog
March 14, 2005
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
Dont know about you but i get an erection.
March 15, 2005
What do you give a dead baby for Christmas?
A dead puppy
March 15, 2005
What do you get when you stab a ten year old girl in the face with an ice pic?
A boner
March 21, 2005
what is blue and fucks old people ?
Hypothermia.
What’s better than fucking two eight year olds ?
Fucking 4 four year olds.
March 21, 2005
what’s green, has six legs and checkered pants, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you ?
Rupert the snooker table
March 21, 2005
what’s white and bobs up and down in a daycare centre ?
A pedophile’s ass.
March 21, 2005
Q: What do you call someone with no arms & no legs:
In a swimming pool ? Bob.
In a bog? Pete.
In a frying pan? Patty
In a pile of leaves? Russel
(2 people) hanging from a window ? Kurt n’ Rod
March 21, 2005
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic Pygmies.
March 21, 2005
Survey: Which is used less? Bill Gates’ hairbrush OR Stephen Hawking’s football boots ?
Answers on a postcard etc
March 21, 2005
What is the definition of relative humidity ?
Licking the sweat out of the small of your granmother’s back while you’re fucking her up the shitter.
March 21, 2005
how do you get 15 dead babies into a bucket ?
Use a blender.
March 21, 2005
how do you get 15 dead babies out of a bucket ?
Doritos !!
March 21, 2005
The Devil doesn’t exist, it’s just God when he’s drunk.
March 26, 2005
fucking hilarious
ive had a urinary tract infection. and it sucked so fucking bad. but yeah that probably is worse
April 7, 2005
A man walks in the bar and see a jar of money and he asks what it is for and the man told him to pay and try make the horse laugh he can have it and the man did and he went out and whispered in the horse ear an he started laughing he took his money left came back week later money again in the jar he askes wats that for he told him you get him to quit laughing you can have the money he did and came back in took the money came next day he said wat did you do the horse wont quit crying he said well i told him my thing was bigger and the horse laughed and now i showed him and im toppin him bout 3 inches
April 16, 2005
What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby ?
I don’t cum all over an apple before I eat it.
April 18, 2005
whats big and blue and fucks dead babies in the ass?
Me, in my favourite blue raincoat.
May 3, 2005
Most of this stuff gives me the creeps, but the sixth one from the end was actually very funny…
May 23, 2005
[size=12][/size]
When does your son know your penis is tiny?
When he becomes 4.
When does your son know he is adopted?
When he sees your dick
When do you know youre easy to manipulate?
When your dick starts smelling like decomposing mummified afterbirth after visiting this site.
Why did the idiot make up the jokes?
I don’t know. Ask my predecessors.
So lame. So sick. So fulfilling…
May 23, 2005
dis boi was l8 4 class and he goes in and his teacher says…. where were u y were u late and he says on top of blueberry hill
anova boi was late and comes in and the tacher says where were u y were u late and he goes i was on top of blueberry hill
and den dis girl was late and she came in and the teacher goes let me guess u were on top of blueberry hill and she goes no i am blueberry hill
May 24, 2005
this site is great
Q:whats the difference between a dead baby and bathtub?
A: You cant fuck a bathtub
May 24, 2005
What was the retarded cocksucking babyfuckers lastname?
said …
May 26, 2005
fucking brilliant.
How many babies doe it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard u throw em
What do u do if ur dishwasher doesnt work?
Slap her
hahahaha
June 21, 2005
OMG! This seriously worked. You have to try this. your instincts has its advantages all the time… This is freaky as anything…
DO NOT CHEAT (You’ll will kick yourself later)
I was a little skeptical trying this,
but if you follow the instructions to the "t" you’ll be surprised!!!!
All of my answers were accurate.
We’ll see tomorrow if the wish comes true.
I’ll let you know.
Take 3 minutes and try this…it will freak you out!
The person who sent it to me said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail.
BUT NO CHEATING!
This game has a funny/spooky outcome.
Don’t read ahead…just do it in order!
It takes about three minutes…it’s worth a try 🙂
First..get a pen and paper.
When you actually choose names, make sure it’s people
you actually know and go with your first instinct.
Scroll down one line at a time…and don’t read ahead or you’ll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.
3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
NO LOOKING AHEAD…OR IT WON"T TURN OUT RIGHT!
4. Write anyone’s name (like friends or family….) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11.
GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!!
6. Finally, make a wish. And now the key for the game…..
1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.
4. You care most about the person you put in 4. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 9.
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind. 10. and
11 is the song telling you how you feel about life
NOW…post this bulletin (dont reply) within the hour…
IF you do.. your wish will come true…
If you don’t it will become the opposite u must post this in another room in 3 hours!!!! GOOD LUCK
June 28, 2005
How can you save a baby drowning? Don’t stand on it.
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
July 5, 2005
Getting older and being a granny now, I don’t find the dead baby jokes as funny as I did..oh, let’s say 30 years ago…but that’s the chance I took…
I did find the feminist jokes incredibly funny, however and will share with you my favorite.
Q: How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: "THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!"