The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
July 7, 2005
Spot on, well done
July 21, 2005
I’m not narrowminded, self-righteous but these jokes are just distateful vulgar plus they’re not even funny. Making a point against politcal correctness is one thing but sick jokes like these has crossed the line. It’s evil and pathetic making peadophile supporting jokes about children. Pick on Adults fine but leave the kids out of it you scum.
July 21, 2005
In fact I won’t be seeing anymore peadophile jokes on this website or I will send this url to the police. If you think they won’t act then try it. Iticement to reacial and religious hatred is illegal as you should know but so is inticing paedofile crimes.
August 6, 2005
Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A pit bull in a playground!
August 8, 2005
wa thehell wiv this site thrt frst joke ws funy bt wa wiv all the ded babies n bein turned on by them i new sum pepl were twisted bt wa the hell!! the p0rN links on here are gud thw.
August 8, 2005
There is totally a huge disclaimer saying that the jokes are seriously sick. Why do so many stupid sensitive people continue to read the page if they find it offensive? And why has no one considered, in case they hoped that there would be only one dead baby joke, doing a word search on the page to find the number of times "dead baby" is listed? Stupid gits.
And Tosk should go die in a hole. Tosk, you suck major balls and should be beaten savagely for it.
August 8, 2005
Also, I just remembered some Helen Keller jokes.
How did Helen Keller burn her hand?
She tried to read the waffle iron.
How did Helen Keller burn her right ear?
She tried to answer the iron.
How did she burn her other ear?
They called back.
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
1) They told her to read a basketball.
2) They left the plunger in the toilet.
August 14, 2005
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"How do you make a 3 year old cry twice?"
" Pull your bloody dick out of her and wipe it off on her teady bear."
October 26, 2005
HOLY CRAP! If these aren’t the most offensive jokes I’ve ever read, totally hilarious. Gotta love sick, perverted, and insensitive jokes. As for the people complaining about them, yea, there is a disclaimer, you were warned, you didn’t HAVE to read them…you chose to read them, so I suggest that if you no longer want to see such sick jokes on this site anymore, than close your eyes. voila, problem solved.
What disappoints me is why are there no offensive jokes about an albino? Come on, I know somebody has a joke or two about them.
and here are a couple that I didn’t see on here already:
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: facial expressions
Q: What’s blue and green all over and sits in a corner?
A: a rotting dead baby
November 7, 2005
Whats worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Anal rape!
November 24, 2005
im sick and fucking tired if cunts like tosk who wanna ruin it for everyone else. its like the cunts who never go to a strip club but sit there making the rukes about them
if it dosent concern u, then fuck off
love these jokes though,
what did the jewish peadohpile say to the boy in his car
.
go easy on the sweets kid
November 26, 2005
Superb joke site,keep ’em coming,really had a good laugh.
Heres a joke to add to your list:-
Whats brown and found in a babys nappie?
MICHAEL JACKSONS HAND ! !
November 26, 2005
JOKE:-
A guy comes home from work on a friday afternoon,says to his wife,"right the weekends here,you me and the dog we’re going fishing."
"Oh no,"says the wife"i really don’t want to go fishing."
The husband says,"well you;ve got half an hour to make your mind up,i’m going to the fishing shop to pick up some bait and hooks,if you don’t go you will have to do a forfeit."
Half an hour passes the husband arrives home and says"right you ,me and the dog we’re going fishing."
The wife says, " no i am not going ,what forfeit have i got to perform."
The husband says,"you can give me a blow job."
The wife drops to her knees unzips his flies,pulls out his cock and starts to suck it,"urgh she says it tastes like shit."
"Yes it does,"says the husband,"the dog didn’t want to go either."
November 26, 2005
JOKE:-
Did you hearhabout the chinese couple that split up?
She went back to Peking,he went back to wan kin ! !
November 30, 2005
little kid ask him mom…"mommy mommy why do i keep running in circles?"
mom replies:
"shut up or i`ll nail your other foot to the floor."
December 2, 2005
Edited Because … Sick does not equal racist
December 2, 2005
Whats grosser than gross?
When you sit on grandpa`s lap and he gets a hardon.
December 3, 2005
Listen you limey pile of shit, I only wish you were in front of me so I could beat the shit out of you and then kill your whole family in front of you. Typical English faggot pussy!
December 19, 2005
What do you call an Ethopian with a yeast infection?
Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
December 19, 2005
WHITEY, was that a thread, or did you forget to put "dead baby" in your joke?
December 20, 2005
Great site!
How do you get 65 dead babies into a Volkswagen?
With a blender.
How do you get them out?
With a sponge.
December 20, 2005
This site is really funny!
Those that are bitching at it are sick for not laughing!
No one forced them to read the page and the warning is clearly there.
Oh and racist jokes do not constitute as sick.
December 23, 2005
What’s black and has 27 nipples?
A garbage back outside the breast cancer clinc
December 23, 2005
What’s sicker than stuffing six oysters up your grandmother’s pussy?
Suckin’em out and counting SIX!
December 24, 2005
I saw one of these inspirational-type poster that shows the finish line of a 50-meter run for Down’s Syndrome athletes at the Special Olympics.
The caption said:
"No matter whether you finish first or last, you are sill retarded"
December 27, 2005
oh these jokes r so funny im glad ppl like u spend da time makin these sites
December 28, 2005
whats got 8 legs and makes girls scream?
gang rape
January 3, 2006
what the difference between a dishwasher and a woman who washes dishes?
you only need to punch the instructions into a dishwasher once
January 7, 2006
[colour=orange][/colour][size=12][/size]Hi guys , have a gross day, & ooh very sick of u . Nice jokes though. Keep up the shit work. here is one from me
Q:whats difference beteen tasting a dick & tasting a pussy.??
A: teh dick tastes like pussy & pussy tastes liek a dick.
January 8, 2006
I like my whisky like I like my women…..
…10 years old and mixed with coke
January 8, 2006
fu**ing excellent… keep up the good work !… p.s Whitey’s only pissed cos your stealing all his chat up lines WANKER couldnt beat the shit out of a bag of custard !, ha ha ha who’s the pussy ??????? :>)
January 9, 2006
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her.
They rearranged the furniture.
January 9, 2006
Damnit these jokes are funny…people who complain about sites like this either neeed a life or have been brainwashed by so called "political correctness". do some people not grasp the idea of rideculing (sp?) people?! Its actually a clever, funny way of taking the piss outta pedos and stuff, at leas tthats how I see it. And I mean my god, theres a fucking disclaimer at the top!
Great work though guys, the jokes are fab…nothing funnier than a good sick joke…
January 10, 2006
Music! There’s not enough emotional stimulation in this scene for me. We’ll just have to imagine it I suppose. Try to get a good tune running through your mind.
SHITH… ha. One can assume ‘EAD’ comes next naturally. I rarely approve of heated obscenity unless it’s so predictable and unvarying that it’s humorous. It had never occurred to me that people in the business of cheap designer clothing could have such fine gadgetry to there disposal. Sue takes the next sliver of skin and feeds it to Shmuck who wolfs it down then continues to wait eagerly. A man stands next to her laughing inanely and being generally useless. For a drunken fat chain smoking alcoholic The Old Bitch has quite a healthy grip. I feel it clamping down on Shane’s wrist as if it were my own; what a fantastic feeling.
I think some Dickie Valentine would go quite nicely don’t you? The useless giggling man could go and set that up. If only one of us could reach out to him somehow and give him a request. Music started to lose it’s quality towards the end of the eighties so don’t go suggesting anything post two years ago because that would mean you have no taste YOU STUPID FAT SHIT>:-(
Shane’s back is really bleeding now… it’s making The Old Bitch’s art work more difficult to see. As if she just somehow heard my observation The Old Bitch takes the wet cloth and wipes away a lot of the blood to make the writing more legible. Shane’s whining diminished about five or ten minutes ago but he’s still just about conscious. The knife makes another incision; a slow careful horizontal movement; it’s out again; back again; another movement in the opposite direction this time; out; peel; feed the dog (snaffle snaffle snaffle gulp ‘may I please have some more?’). It is very difficult to find a good sharp knife in this world as I should know.
David Bowie perhaps? No I think not, he is a little too loud for this. Maybe earlier during the beatings he would have been appropriate however currently it is calm focused precision work going on at the hands of these two drunken fun loving individuals; which makes very little sense at all when you think about it.
Fats Domino’s ‘Blueberry Hill’. That is the answer. The Old Bitch picks up the wet cloth again.
Ha. I am wetting myself. Hurrah.
January 12, 2006
Most of these jokes suck, heres a good one.
A man walks into a resturant and asks for a bowl of red chilli soup.
"Sorry" says the bartender, "no soup."
The man sits down, rather upset.
Across the resturant the man sees someone sitting at a table staring at a bowl of soup.
"i wonder if he’s going to eat that" he says to himself.
so he walks up to the man and asks him for the soup,
"sure," says the man "take it,"
so the man takes it back to his table and begins eating it, about halfway through the soup the man realised that it taste weird, in fact, it tastes disgusting!
suddenly the man throws up in the soup, and as he does the man who gave it to him walks past,
"Oh, i see you threw up in it too" he says.
January 13, 2006
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark.
January 14, 2006
What sound does a baby make when in the microwave?
I don’t know either i was too busy masturbating!
January 14, 2006
What’s pink and tastes of holly?
Ian Huntley’s cock!
January 14, 2006
Michael Jackson is on a plane full of kids.
He gets called in to see the pilot and the pilot says, worried "look michael, the plane is going to crash and we only have two parachutes we must jump now."
Michael says "but what about all the children"
the pilot responds"FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
MJ says "we dont have time."
January 14, 2006
Whats the diffrence between a skip full of babies and a skip full of sand?
You can move the babies with a pitch-fork.
January 14, 2006
Whats funnier than watching a baby spin around on a roof fan?
knocking it off with a cricketbat
January 14, 2006
tell me what you think of the above.
+
i do sick jokes but the ian huntly one was welllllll harsh.
congratulations.
January 15, 2006
Some good jokes, but how Mark handled the comments made by certain simpletons made me laugh more!
January 15, 2006
the huntley joke is fuckin ace. good work ed.
January 16, 2006
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u cunts are fukn discusting u all are going to rot in hell u fukn sic’os
Edit: This visitor reached this page by looking for "racist jokes" in Google and was here 22 minutes before posting this comment
January 17, 2006
btw? how many child rapists do you think come on this site?
because i think they all do.
lol.
but seriously, these are jokes, do you think people in wheelchairs laugh at themselves? or do you think "nigers" find racists jokes funny? well why would child rapists like jokes about themselves?
exactly.
January 19, 2006
why does michel jackson get kids to put thier dicks in ice buckets at his concerts ………………………………………………so he can have a few cold ones after the show
January 19, 2006
FUCK YOU CUNTS ARE SICK AS PAEDOPHILES. ROT IN HELL.
Nah just joking keep up the good work.
Fucking crackup!
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby’s jaw?
Deep Throat.
January 20, 2006
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
an axe
I love the jokes, keep up the funny shit 😉
January 22, 2006
Think the site is great- I needed a laugh today. Keep up the good tasteless jokes. I grew up on Dead Baby jokes, and forgot how much they made me laugh. THANKS!