Veterinary Nurse Chat Up Lines
As someone who frequents the veterinary hospital regularly on account of having a diabetic cat it has not escaped my notice that veterinary nurses are – by and large – a not too unattractive bunch of young ladies. This is in stark contrast to my visits to the local women’s shotput club where the members are – by and large – bi and large. Now, I’m a married man and it would never normally enter my head to consider nurses at the vets to be anything other than sirens coaxing unsuspecting pet-owners in through the doorway that leads to the examination room where the evilly-lit-from-below vet welcomes you with a maniacal laugh and waggling fingers as he demonstrates his all-new till ready to take your money faster and in larger amounts than ever before for the most ridiculous-yet-plausibly-dangerous-sounding animal illnesses in order to pay for his new pair of yachts. That said, I am aware that single men on the lookout for single lady nurses might happen upon this website from time-to-time and it is with this thought in mind that I have decided to aid you singletons in your quest to fornicate with the pervasive scent of dog urine and rabbit droppings everywhere. Behold! Chat-up lines targeted at veterinary nurses! You’re welcome. No, you’re welcome. I’d like to check you for worms. My snake has a voracious appetite. How often should one play with a beaver? I’m looking to buy a small bird or a donkey. Tit or ass? Which would you recommend? I’m a wild animal! Put me down baby! Termite’s the night, if you play your cards right. I’ve got a problem with my woodpecker. I can lick myself clean. Would you like to take a sample? Dromedary or Bactrian camel? One hump or two? If you were a fish I’d put you in my keep net. I feel strangely drawn to you, like a moth to an exposed compact fluorescent lamp. Grab your goat love, you’ve pulled. When aroused, the elephant appears to have five legs. Hi, call me Tripod. Do you like farmyard animals? How do you feel about cocks? Don’t mind that lump down there; I’ve got a problem with moles. Would you like some crabs? I’m like a cricket. Rub my leg and I’ll keep you up all night with the noise too. If you were a mosquito I’d risk malaria. Problem with mouth slugs? You need something salty. Am I going mad nurse or does my hamster smell like chloroform? Many moons ago ten fearless explorers descended into the heart of Africa in search of the flawless sapphire Rhinoceros of Upper...
Summer Slump
It’s time for the Summer Slump! You know the Summer Slump if you’ve got a website and you like to post new and interesting (or mind-numbingly banal) articles frequently (or infrequently). You know the Summer Slump if you keep track of how many people visit your website on a daily or weekly basis just to see if you’ve still got "it" or whether your "it" is waning; drooping or wilting perhaps. You know the Summer Slump if you bought my highly-priced but lowly-respected tome on the subject 984 Pages Bemoaning The Summer Slump In Small Print With No Illustrations And Only Three Uses Of Punctuation from all good book specialists who happen to be named Geoff’s Used Books and who happen to have a small shop in Slough (closed Tuesdays). You know the Summer Slump if you’ve read this article once already and have come back around for a second go hoping to work out the secret code buried within the vowels of every paragraph and consonants of every vowel-less word. You know the Summer Slump if you invented the Summer Slump during the inaugural Slumpfest of 1967 when hippies thought it would be groovy to hack slumps (which were at the time in a slump) into something heavy, thus gaining publicity for slumps and bringing the slumps out of their slump thereby negating the need for any further slump-hacking festivals. That’s the sort of idea that DDT-tainted marijuana brings to fruition. Of course, I killed and buried that inventor of the Summer Slump in 2001 during that year’s Summer Slump just for something to do, so the chances of that are small. If you’re reading this then you’re possibly wondering what the Summer Slump is and you’re trying to brace yourself for the big pay-off. Oh man, that Mark is so smart! That Mark will lead you along and then BOOM! comes the zinger at the end! Man! I can’t wait to see what the climax to this Summer Slump article’s going to be! What is the Summer Slump? He’s going to explain and I’m going to go "whoa! yeah! ha ha! sweet!" and then I’m going to be like "woo!" and "fnurgh!" and then I’m going to go "zwish!" and be all like "urgagngg!" Unless he just doesn’t bother explaining as part of a clever mechanism to explain it without explaining it! Oh man, if he just does that then I’m going to be well disappointed man! Such a cop-out! He’s done that before as well. Swine. He’d better at least explain it in the caption under the stock image he uses to accompany the article or...
Me: The Formative Years
It’s time to set the record straight and quash the scurrilous rumours rampaging through the gutter press. I was born – like many people – as a baby. Some babies consume their own hair while in the womb in order that it should make for an interesting first bowel movement. Other babies find such a concept vulgar and distasteful and use the final few months before emergence to style something fashionable. I was one of the latter babies. Born in Portsmouth, the sea was in my blood. This was the result of a necessary transfusion and rather lackadaisical rules governing what went where in NHS hospitals. By the age of one I had joined the Royal Navy and am proud to say I did my part in bringing to an end the diabolical furniture-smuggling rings operating out of Tangiers. The Navy gave me an interest in science and it was from there that I created the first viable clone of a sheep on a top secret farm in County Mayo, Ireland. I was widely tipped to win the Nobel Prize until my scientist peers raised a fuss over the name I had bestowed upon my woolly creation. Polly was no name for a sheep, they said. A cloned parrot could be called Polly, they said, but not a sheep. I refused to buckle and the prize slipped through my tiny grasp. In a fit of rage I activated Polly’s self-destruct and turned my back on the scientific community. Anger is a great driving force so it was no surprise when I negotiated my way into the world of rally cars. My inate skills and supreme lack of fear – other drivers cruelly claimed this was due to my inability to see over the steering wheel – allowed me to win everything in the profession. I was both celebrated and despised and I liked the latter feeling more. The 1970s was a dreadful decade in Britain. Power cuts, strikes, and football hooliganism made the news every day. When these three things came together to cancel the F.A. Cup Final at Wembley the country found itself on the brink of social unrest on a scale never before seen nor imagined. The producers of Match Of The Day – the de facto rulers of Britain at the time – asked for my assistance and I found myself honour-bound, unable to refuse. With my younger brother we staged a last-minute recreation of the 1939 Cup Final match between Portsmouth and Wolverhampton Wanderers. The country watched enthralled and stepped back from the chasm of chaos. Portsmouth won again, of course, and I spent a...
Homeopathic Remedies
Since it’s nearly almost certainly 100% illegal in the UK to claim that there’s absolutely no benefit whatsoever in homeopathy and that homeopathy is both fraudulent and dangerous there’s never been a better time to start a business dealing with homeopathy which is why we’re now launching neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc. At neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc we’re different, and we’re confident you’ll notice the difference. And if you don’t notice the difference then we’ve got a homeopathic cure for that! How does homeopathy work? No actual scientist knows but homeopathic practitioners will tell you that water, like the brain, has the ability to remember things. Put salt in water and you’ve got saltwater. Take the salt from the saltwater and you’ve got water that remembers being salty even if it isn’t salty and is just plain water. Drink that plain, salt-free water and you’ve just got all the benefits of salt transferred from the memory brain of the water droplets into your pancreas or spine. Doctors with years of training behind them can’t understand how it can possibly work but people who crush herbs and sell macrame clothing to the elderly know and that’s good enough for us. At neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc you can forget all about traditional homeopathy remedies for minor ailments such as "a bit of a cough" or "a hard-to-reach itch" or "cancer of the lower intestines" because we certainly have. neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc are pioneers in new and exciting homeopathy medicine. Why not take a look at some of the incredible remedies from our innovative Aqua range! Homeopathic Treatment For Drowning Are you drowning right now? Have you drowned in the past? Do you expect to drown in the near future? Drowning affects one in three of us during our lifetime and for many people drowning can be a life-changing experience they would rather not undertake. Fortunately, there’s a homeopathic remedy for drowning proven to alleviate the symptoms in four-fifths of cases by our highly-guarded, not-so-highly-regarded Homeopathy Research Laboratory run by genuine people who genuinely claim to be genuine doctors. Dihydrous oxide is our flagship homeopathy treatment to relieve the suffering of drowners. Dihydrous oxide is present in most water responsible for drowning making it the perfect ingredient to help build up your body’s natural defence against breathing in water. This highly-diluted infusion of dihydrous oxide in water acts on your cellular tissue causing hydration of the membranes. Breathe in and take orally until the dihydrous oxide goes down the wrong pipe. The memory of breathing water will now be transferred to your own brain...
Alternate History: The Pharaohs
What if the ancient dynasties that ruled over Egypt thousands of years ago had survived to this day? 1. The Bangles would not have had a hit with Walk Like An Egyptian, instead securing significantly less global success with the track Club Seals Like An Eskimo. 2. ISO 639-2 would include the International Language Code of "eg-hg Egyptian (Hieroglyphics)." 3. Followers of Scientology would have been enslaved by the Cult of Apep despite a U.N. resolution condemning the action. 4. Egyptian chavs would wear Burberry headdresses. 5. The area around Giza would be getting a little cramped: 6. Rameses would still be a popular boy’s name. 7. A Sphinx-like character called Ra-Ra Thothsicle would have dragged Revenge Of The Sith way beyond The Phantom Menace‘s Jar Jar level of annoyance. 8. The Volkswagen Scarab would be the car to own in Cairo. 9. You could choose burial, cremation, or having your brains scooped out through your nose for your loved ones after death. 10. Brendan Fraser would be...
How To Kiss
People often follow me out of public lavatories and ask "How do you kiss so well? What’s your secret to kissing? Do you perhaps have a guide for kissing boys or girls on your website, for example?" and other similarly-framed, leading questions designed to please search spiders. My answer is usually "Why, no I don’t have such a guide but, yes, I am greatly-skilled in the art of kissing so, maybe, one day I will present a list of helpful hints and tips for those people worried about their first kiss, officer." That day has come. Kissing The Perfect Partner Let’s suppose you’re interested in someone of the opposite or same sex and you’re thinking about kissing that person, hopefully within a scenario that hasn’t involved date rape drugs or a cosh-and-climbing rope combination abduction in the back of a van. You want that first kiss to be perfect. You want it to be a memorable kiss for both of you. You have unrealistic expectations. To prepare you for the disappointment of the kiss you must first realise that there is a correlation between your height and that of your partner when determining how good the kiss can possible be. Ideally, there should be a small difference in your heights, enough for one to lean slightly up and the other to lean slightly down. If you discover that you are the same height as your prospective partner you might want to consider wearing platform shoes or investing in a home rack system. The following graph of relative heights for kissing partners and the highest expectation of a good kiss you should realistically hope for might clarify the situation: Mouth Moisture You might be nervous if this is going to be your first kiss. You might just be a nervous person anyway. Or maybe you’re a naturally dessicated person. Whatever the reason, it’s imperative that kissing be done with moist lips. A cracking texture is perfect for toast; it is less pleasant during mouth-to-mouth non-resuscitation. Wet your lips with your tongue or by drinking something just prior to kissing to ensure as soft and smooth a kiss as possible. Caution! Do not grin while licking your lips. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a clown fetish. Further Caution! Do not over-wet your lips prior to kissing. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a granny fetish. Kissing Pressure The situation will determine the correct pressure to apply when kissing. A very light, barely perceptible kiss brushing gently on the lips, almost breathing contact onto their surfaces can...
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