Losing Weight At Home
We’re all fatter than ever before. Some people blame this on al Qaeda, others on the dust that falls from burning meteorites and clings to our epidermis, and more still on the natural result of a universe being stretched like a multidimensional chest expander by an Emperor Transdimensional Penguinope. The answer to fatness is fitness and the place to get fit is the gym. However, the place to get fit – the gym – is also an expensive abomination filled with people who are already fit; the gym is no place for the fat. Catch 22. So, how do you get fit enough to be able to go to the gym in order to get fit enough to not need to go to the gym but still go so that there’s no way fat people can go without feeling bad because they’re fat and not fit and the gym’s full of fit and not fat people? Well, if you’re working in an office then you can always follow the neOnbubble Office Exercises regime. However, in these days of credit crunches, global recessions, and mums who know how to work a computer without having to call their son twenty times a day there’s a whole new subspecies of human who work – or don’t – in their own homes. How can you possibly get fit while you’re lazing about indoors? Let me introduce the neOnbubble Exercise System For Home! Stretching And Flexibility Before you commence any of the exercises designed to target specific muscle groups or fat deposits it’s vitally important to make sure you’ve stretched properly. Okay, not vitally important; I mean, have you ever seen kids run off to play in the park and pull a hamstring because they didn’t jog up and down and perform a few lunges and squats first? But it’s reasonably important. Okay, not reasonably important either. It’s fairly important for footballers otherwise women will never go to watch the games. For everyone else, including you in your home, you can probably skip stretching altogether. However, if you want to stretch anyway but aren’t convinced that a set system of "lunge this way, thrust that way, crouch like this" is right for you – it might get boring, you could be forgetful, or it might remind you of your career in the porn industry – then simply try washing up and carrying crockery around the house while wearing oven gloves. Every exercise will be slightly different, guaranteed. Your frantic attempts to catch cutlery, cups, and plates before they cause untold physical and financial damage should loosen up most of your muscles in no time....
Discontinued Food And Drink
Quite often when I’m shopping I fly into a terrible rage in the middle of the aisle and require horse tranquiliser injections stat! in order to prevent me from tearing the heads off Asda employees or swinging old women around by their pendulous breasts until the fabric of their skin gives up and their mammary-free torsos are sent discus-style over the refrigerated food section and into the pizza preparation area. Frequently this is as a result of abysmal staff training that missed out the part about "you move out of the way and let the customer go where they want rather than force them to stop and wait for you to wander through chatting with your colleagues about Sharon’s odd-smelling crotch rash" or the culmination of one-too-many inconsiderate trolley-parking episodes. However, sometimes it’s because of something more baffling and irritating altogether: missing or changed food. Cheez-Ums flavoured Pringles: gone. Walkers tangy cheese dip: gone. Roast chicken and garlic quiche: gone. Chicken and sweetcorn pie: gone. Pork and egg roll slices: completely changed the taste and texture for a laugh. Chicken and mushroom pasties: new snigger "improved" flavour. As part of my court-ordered rehabilitation process I am required to investigate other foodstuffs that have been withdrawn from sale over the years to prove that it’s not all a conspiracy to wind me up by checking what I buy regularly. Radish-Cola America’s flirtation with all things Armenian in the late 1940s saw that country’s bestselling carbonated drink reach the United States and knock Coke and Pepsi off their pedestals briefly. A pan-European radish blight that tainted supplies was to be the innovative new cola’s downfall however, and it never recovered its position although the drink is still popular in New Mexico. Pre-Chewed Sunday Roast In the late 1950s a combination of unhealthy McCarthyist ant-Communist paranoia and post-war wealth which made Americans think they could buy sophistication encouraged Green Giant to start producing pre-chewed meals, canned for freshness. The convenience was a hit with consumers but a scare in 1961 when over a hundred chewers at a factory in Minnesota were struck down by Lyme disease was enough to end the flirtation with mushed food. Kentucky Fried Rat A number of urban legends had sprung up by the late 1960s concerning rats gettings into fast food outlets and becoming part of the menu unexpectedly. Never one to miss an opportunity, Kentucky Fried Chicken turned these rumours to their advantage by actively adding rat to the menu. Although the production run of Kentucky Fried Rat was short-lived, because of the prevalence of rodents the KFR remains to this day one of the fast...
Julie Moult, Idiot
And now a break in our regular lunacy as we make way for The Learning Moment here on neOnbubble. Readers with photosensitive epilepsy who survived our recent article on "The History of Blinking Text" and those offended by idiots, journalists, idiot journalists, and women named Julie should look away now. If there’s one thing I like more in the world than people who don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic then that’s the rather special group who go by the name of "idiots". One such idiot is the journalist Julie Moult who has written for such bastions of worthy news reporting as The Sun and The Daily Mail. Julie Moult has ired Bloggerheads’ Tim Ireland through her history of ridiculous news articles but until recently he remained as calm as only an antipodean can be when faced with general idiocy. And then she wrote this article which demonstrated exactly how little she knew about the many, many internets out there. Added to her diatribe against Nazi Raccoons this was just too much idiot-related nonsense to bear. Tim has written quite extensively about how he feels regarding Julie Moult being an idiot and devised an image challenge, the goal of which is to create a picture expressing Julie’s moronic status. By naming the file appropriately the intent is to explain – teach, even – a little something about the world to a person who, as a journalist producing stories and articles for newspapers [sic] like The Sun and The Daily Mail, should appreciate the effort. I don’t like idiots like Julie Moult and I do like raccoons; I simply cannot stand by and do nothing. Original picture by Jon Rawlinson I’m looking forward – and I bet she is too – to seeing just whose images appear where in the image search results for "Julie Moult" over the next few weeks. It’s always nice and rewarding to elevate an idiot to quasi-moron or above – even if only briefly – and you must feel absolutely free to produce pictures of Julie Moult on your own blog too. And, if you don’t think that she is a twit and that pieces of journalism such as her anti-Muslim story without a shred of evidence is harmless fun, unlikely to cause unrest (and follow-on stories!) and to be expected from reporters these days then why not express what a really nice person Julie Moult is instead, you...
Allergies
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides. What Is An Allergy? Despite God’s best attempts at designing the human body it, quite frankly, sucks big time and is riddled with flaws. One of the most common problems with the human body is the immune system which is supposed to protect the body from harmful substances and diseases but which also sporadically attacks itself in a dazzling display of incompetence, an action which if spotted in a bear mauling itself, for example, would lead to a humane rifle shot through the skull. When the body goes a little loco it activates mast cells and basophils – normally dormant white cell types responsible for expanding the body’s many organs to counter deep sea pressures; a genetic relic from our evolutionary ancestry as oceanic floor kestrels – and this causes inflammation and increasing pharmacy profits. What Types Of Allergic Reaction Are There? Allergic reactions range from the minor – itches, the sniffles, and ear-picking – to the downright fatal – fatal itches, fatal sniffles, and fatal ear-picking. Doctors cannot distinguish between fatal and non-fatal forms of allergies until after the allergy-sufferer has died and can only determine the exact fatal allergic reaction from whether the corpse’s fingers are wedged under its armpits, up its nose, or in its auditory canal up to the knuckle. Do You Have An Allergy? Thanks for caring! Yes, I am allergic to prolonged contact to steel, whether surgical or stainless. This means, for example, that I must only be sold in aluminium cans once mankind gets a taste for my meaty goodness and that any machete wounds must be sealed using velcro. On a daily basis it means that I must make use of sundials to tell the time rather than relying on wrist watches and their allergy-unfriendly steel backs, straps, and batteries. Why Are Nut Allergy Sufferers Not All Rounded Up And Shot? That’s a good question. For too long the minority of humankind who swell up and explode whenever a peanut is forcibly inserted under their eyelids have dictated to the rest of us how we should live our lives. Peanut warnings on packs of peanuts and the removal of the chocolate-coated peanut from packs of Revels – to replace it with the abomination that is the raisin! The raisin! Nobody wants shrivelled fruit in their chocolate confectionery! – are too much and a stand needs to be taken now! To save on bullets packets of peanuts should now be forced to carry the wording "No Peanuts Here, Peanut-Free, Honestly" prominently. A message should be sent to...
The Four Of Us Are Dying
This is what happens when you download the new, free Nine Inch Nails album "The Slip" (from nin.com) and spot the lovely Creative Commons licence that actively encourages derivative works and sharing. You go and grab some public domain film footage from The Internet Archive – in this case the awesome "Perversion For Profit" propaganda – and you throw the lot together to produce a video for the track "The Four Of Us Are Dying". Well, you do if you’re me. Please note: whilst not explicit this video does contain footage that could be described as titillating to those of you of Amish...
In Conversation With An I.T. Consultant
Mark, can I bother you for a moment? Sure. You know that email we were both sent? With the zipped build of the trial kitting app? Yeah? Yes, that’s the one. Okay. Problem? Well I haven’t opened it yet but I just run it right? I haven’t looked at it properly yet so let me just … okay … right, well the zip’s got the entire directory structure of the app and its libraries … and there’s a setup subfolder with the setup program too so you’ve got a choice by the looks of it. You can either unzip the zip onto your PC and run the program directly or you can run the setup program in there to get everything installed that way instead if you’d prefer. Okay? I just double click on the email to run it, yes? You … well, no. It depends what you’ve got installed but the simplest thing is to save the zip and extract it. You can do that from Outlook yes? Only I’ve not done this before. What? Save an attachment? No, no. I can do Word documents but I’ve never run a zip before. But … but you’re our I.T consultant! You’ve been working in the computer industry for a couple of decades! You’ve never come across a zip file before? I don’t think so. You have to have come across a zip file before. The laws of probability dictate it. There’s no way you … look, do you know what a zip file actually is? Not … really … no. I can’t believe this. Okay. It’s a way of compressing another file into a smaller size or an entire directory of files into a single file of smaller size so that you can move it from one location to another – like in an email, for example – more easily. You don’t "run" the zip file, you open it and let the contents out. Think of it as a suitcase jammed full of clothes. Okay, I’m following you. Someone has sent me a "suitcase" full of clothes, right? Right. And now I’ve got to "open" my "suitcase" and take out the clothes. You’re getting it. And I do that by running my email. What!? No. What? You can’t run an email. No, not "run", of course, that’s just the wrong word, sorry. I download it, yes? Download? Download what? My email. What are you talking about? Your email is already "downloaded" and sitting in your Outlook inbox. Oh, right! I get you! I can run it from my inbox then. No! No, not "run", I … No! Oh, upload!...
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