Elaine
An entry for an internet competition run by Model Elaine here: Dating Site Photo Editing. The rules are simple: take a photo of Elaine and niceify it. That’s right; niceify is a word. It means to unbadderatimise. Here goes: Okay. Maybe – maybe – I went a little bit overboard. You can’t deny it’s more eye-catching though. Steps taken: Liquify filter on the face – stern appearance softened by slight raising and adjusting of cheek and jawline, altering lips, raising and thinning of eyebrows, slight opening of eyes. Liquify filter on the chest and arm to increase bust size and add an opening to the blouse. You know: for the sexiness! Saturation of image increased. Curve adjusted off the straight line to increase dark and light level contrast. Duplicate taken. Levels blown out to increase white. Diffuse glow added to duplicate. Duplicate the duplicate and gaussian blur it then merge down. Color adjust duplicate then overlay over original image, pin light blending, 80% opacity. Add adjustment layer to increase image saturation. Add a new layer with color blending at 70% opacity to accentuate the eyes slightly...
Buxom Amazons Of Jupiter
It was later in the week and my memories of the astounding adventure with the Leopard Ladies of Mercury was beginning to diminish. Everyday events were returning to normal in ravaged London and my mind was distracted constantly by the steady stream of survivors of the damage inflicted in and around Woolwich (inadvertently, I hasten to add, by Carruthers, the lovely Elizabeth, and myself) as they sought my skills in the surgical practice. As the Sunday wore on I found myself totally embroiled in removing a dartboard from the buttocks region of a portly woman of indeterminate age – aforesaid object having been inserted most forcibly upon the dear when the tsunami tore asunder The Courting Armadillos public house in Bunton Street – and neglected to notice that a visitor had entered the examination room without alerting Fanny, my usually reliable receptionist. "The indentations of the twenty, one, and eighteen are really quite prominent, I’m afraid," I remarked to my patient. "Liberal application of Burke and Hare’s Mystery Moisturiser should reduce the effect over time though. In the meantime, if you refrain from exposing your rear in public I imagine that there will be no lasting damage." "Thankyou doctor. I … oh! Who’s that?" I glanced over my shoulder to where the portly patient was looking and first observed the quiet visitor to the room who sat upright on the Chesterfield sofa against the back wall. "You shouldn’t be here!" I blurted out immediately, but I confess that even as the words rushed past my lips my thoughts betrayed the very sounds they made. My new visitor was quite singularly the most handsome woman upon whom my eyes had ever rested. The stranger pulled out a fan from the handbag she had clasped to her lap and gently wafted her face with it. I hadn’t thought it was that hot in the room but I could feel a warmth appearing on my face at that moment too, not to mention an ungentlemanly stirring within the lower regions of my physique. "Mrs Warburton-Stimulant, perhaps you should leave now," I informed my patient and I waited until she had extricated herself from the examining bench, pulled down her undergarments and overgarments, and hastened from the room before I attempted some form of conversation with the young lady with whom I suddenly realised I was all alone. "If it’s privacy you required before talking then you now have it," I stated in as commanding tone as I could muster. Apparently this was the case for the lady finally closed her fan with a snap, stood, and spoke. "You are the doctor who...
UK Government, Illegal Downloads
A draft proposal was leaked this week that indicated that the UK government was considering banning people from the internet who downloaded music and films illegally. There have been a number of responses to this leak already ranging from the polite "it’s a nice idea but just how do you think the internet works you twat?" to the more succinct "you total mongoloid spacs". Yes, they were my responses! Clever you! Politicians are, by and large, inept at their jobs. Politicians who become ministers are, without fail, totally inept at their jobs. This is because experience in any particular field is seen as coincidental at best to running the associated department. A politician who used to be a head teacher is more likely to be promoted to the cabinet position of Minister of Defence than anything in the education sector due to the governmental standard No That’s Just What They’ll Be Expecting Us To Do approach to employment. So, when the government says it’s looking into enforcing sweeping new powers on the internet you can be sure of one thing: the chance that anyone in the consultation process knew what the internet was or had read a pamphlet that explained how the internet worked is 0% (with a +/- 0 margin of error). Can you actually detect when someone is downloading something illegally? Yes. If the something they are downloading is known to be illegal. And if the something hasn’t been encrypted in a new way masking its signature from known illegal packets. And if you can be sure the download isn’t merely being passed through inadvertently via a legal peering system. And if you can be sure the machine doing the downloading hasn’t been zombified. Of course, in order to be sure that what’s being downloaded is illegal it would be necessary to decrypt and reassemble traffic bound for a destination and compare it against something known to be illegal. So the internet service providers would have to have copies of everything illegal to download to match against. Think about that! And they’d have to have the powers and ability to read and decode everything sent across the internet. Everything. Personal emails. Personal pictures. Business proposals. Everything. Remember: that’s not the police with the powers. That’s not a court-ordered subpoena to inspect your private communications because there’s evidence you’re a wrongdoer. That’s the ISPs with the powers. That’s BT getting the power, or AOL, or Nildram, or Virgin. Those are the people not only getting the power but being forced to use that power and report back to the government so that they can then be instructed to...
Puns For Dads #1: The Flan
Are you a new dad who wants a headstart on embarrassing your offspring with puns at inappropriate moments? Or are you a dad who just needs a refresher course in eliciting groans of despair at family gatherings? Then sit back and enjoy part 1 of this unmissable internet guide to Puns For Dads. Today we’ll be looking at the humble flan; occasionally wheeled out at family meals, this bastion of food provides a large number of puns guaranteed to make your children die a little inside. Scenario: On first seeing the flan Well, flancy that! Blimey! That’s flantastic! That looks so delicious I could dance the flandango. Someone sound a flanfare! Scenario: Praising the flan-maker This is so good it deserves flanmail Did you flan to make it this tasty? You must be the man with the flan! The filling’s sweeter than a Flan Galactic Gargle Blaster. This can’t be real. It’s more like a flantasy. Flankyou very much for this. Scenario: Referencing movies to increase cringing It’s certainly no Flantom Menace! It goes down easier than Flan 9 From Outer Space! Did you find this in the Fland That Time Forgot? Was this produced by Flancis Ford Coppola by any...
Science Valentines
Science Valentines are this year’s "must copy" gift given out by bloggers and website-owners the world over. Spread the scientifically-explainable love this year without lining the pockets of card manufacturers and raise awareness of pioneers in the fields of disease propagation and gamma ray bursts too. More Science Valentines can be found: Ironic Sans: Idea: Scientist Valentines Bad Astronomy: I Cardiovascular You Gia Milinovich: Science Valentines Jacks of Science: Bring Love To The Lab With A Science...
Graven Imagery
After a long Winter break where the grey skies and rain inspired me to keep my camera away from the grey skies and rain I’ve finally returned to my photography place now and spent part of the last week out and about with my camera bag over my shoulder trying to work up the courage to try some street photography. I’m not quite there yet. I worry that people will get angry that there’s a man sticking his zoom lens up the skirts of their girlfriends. Upskirt is still street photography, okay? So, I’ve restrained myself and stuck to those who only complain through the medium of mediums and phantasmal projections: the dead. I recently sauntered around Kingston Cemetery and managed to not tread on a single squirrel as I clicked away merrily. After my clicking frenzy drew some looks from mourners I whipped out my camera and took some photos instead. Now That’s What I Call A Cramped Grave! Click to view larger image. If at first you don’t succeed then try, try, try again. This is good advice if you are a spider near a Scotsman. Everyone knows what Scotsmen are like when there are spiders around and no witnesses. Run for it spider! Run! Stay away from the kilt Carol Anne! As advice goes it’s also ranked as "good" when discarding bananas into the path of pursuing Death Monkeys. They might go for one of them if they fancy a snack or, alternatively, slip over and split their skulls in twain in a comedy manner. Persevere and don’t give up. Infant death, though. Maybe it’s just me but after about the third one had died early I might have said: "Ah, forget it. Let’s adopt a penguin." Or: "I think we’ve conclusively proved they lose their bounceability early in their development." Or: "Perhaps we should try feeding this one." Or: "Satan has tainted your breast milk with arsenic! A pox on your procreative juices!" Or: "Mum, this just isn’t working." 1.21 Gigawatts Later Click to view larger image. One of the joys of photographing old things is wondering just what they would have looked like in their original form. Thus it was as I came across a gravestone cross that had at some point collapsed upon itself. Usually, when out and about photographing women undressing through their bedroom windows I take the Focus – it has a quiet idle just perfect for perverted picture-producing – but on this particular day I’d taken the DeLorean for a jaunt. 88 MPH and 1.21 gigwatts later I crashed into a pristine marker cross in the cemetery 82 years in...
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