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Population Control
Feb01

Population Control

I’m a complex person. I care for people (not openly, of course) and the planet we’re on and, at the same time, I would like nothing more than to rule over everyone with an iron fist in a glove made from something even harder than iron: pasta on the inside of a saucepan the day after, for instance. While I’m pleased with how evolution is working out I’ve got no qualms about tinkering with it in the slightest: genetic manipulation, cyborgy implants, and eugenics just light up the "AWESOME" sign in my head. This is why when I think of the growing environmental problems in the world – climate change, fossil fuels, the mushroom people – I don’t grasp at straws labelled "renewable energy" or "more recycling". Instead I reach for the suction tube with the glowing legend "population control". Carbon emissions are a result of people. Usage of fossil fuels is a result of people. Tolerance of the mushroom people is a result of people. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that by reducing the number of people we can combat the Earth’s environmental concerns and, at the same time, address hunger, house prices, and personal space issues on public transport. It then becomes a matter of deciding on the best method of population control. There are many to choose from but here are some of my favoured options. War Nothing culls a population and generates urban renewal quite like encouraging or goading an enemy state to wage war on your soil. Civilians, military, innocent, and mushroom people collaborators alike will all be caught up in street fighting, indiscriminate shelling, and diseases spread by foreigners not washing their hands properly afterwards. War is recommended by hero of the environment Saddam Hussein and you could ask him about it yourself if he hadn’t masterfully coordinated a kangaroo court trial and arranged a verdict designed to control his personal population right down to the ground. The Rhythm Method I know what you’re thinking: if the rhythm method worked then Catholic families would be smaller. Not true. The rhythm method does work but you need the right music. Wrong: Ah the toe-tapping beat of Michael Flatley and friends … diddly-eye-dee, diddly-eye-dee, diddly-eye-dee … sorry love, I’ve cum inside. Right: I’ve got my Akon and Mika mix CD ready and … no, that’s it, I’m going out for a walk now. Sort yourself out love. Fungicide Wipe out mushrooms and the mushroom people will have nowhere to hide but the houses of their human collaborators. As prolonged contact with a shroomian causes sterility in men and excessive nostril hair in...

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X-Rated Children’s TV Shows
Jan29

X-Rated Children’s TV Shows

Sesame Strict Duration: 97 minutes Features: BDSM, Interspecies, Googly Eyes Fetish, Extreme Counting, Spanking, Peanut Butter Sandwiches Rainbow-Oh-Oh Duration: 89 minutes Features: Gay Hippo, Ass-To-Zip, Double Bungling, Jane Filling, Cosplay Badpuss Duration: 123 minutes Features: Group Mouse Action, Woodpecking, Golden Showers, Toad In The...

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Literalville
Jan25

Literalville

I’m not a vacation person. Never have been. Vacation people are happy people and that’s not me. Maybe there’s a market in vacations for people bitter at the world. Maybe that’s something I can look into when the detective business really dries up. Really dries up. I know it’s not exactly flowing over right now but that suits me fine. Drip, drip, drip. I’m not a vacation person but I’ve got no qualms in accepting gratuities and I’ve never been this far south before. It’s warmer and the rain is noticeably absent. I miss the rain. Never thought I’d say that. This hotel’s called the Hotel Luxurious. If I had to describe it in one word then luxurious is the right one to use. I’ve stayed in hotels in the city from time-to-time. This one doesn’t have the stains, the stickiness, or that smell, and there’s a constant, gentle hum of quiet, happy talking from the men and women dotted around the lounge. Soft, clean chairs. Lots of smiles. Bright, open windows. The clinking of real crystal tumblers. One of them is mine. There’s an inch of dark, smoky malt in the bottom of it. I’m savouring it. It’s the only thing I don’t instinctively hate about this whole place. "That’s some outfit you have," says the lady in the off-white trouser suit across from me. She’s not wrong. I didn’t pack for this climate and my fit-in-anywhere clothes from back home are now fit-in-anywhere-but-here. "I won a vacation," I tell her and then fill in some more details when pressed. It seems the city has some well-off individuals and one of them was seemingly grateful to the tune of some time off at my resolution to the recent simile heist. There’s something you don’t do to gift horses and that’s why I’m here. Just a little unprepared is all. "How strange and delightful!" she exclaims. Strange, I’ll agree with. "And how are you finding Literalville?" she asks. I tell her I haven’t left the hotel yet. The plane touched down late last night. I slept and this is my first morning in the vacation spot. Her eyes widen and she smiles a knowing smile to herself. "It takes some getting used to," she continues. "If you want a private tour then give me a call." She hands me a card. There’s a number but no name on it. I make a show of nodding appreciation and pocket it in my inside jacket pocket. The one with the hole in the bottom. Old, lonely dears are the same the world over. * I don’t like Literalville and I’m beginning...

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What On Earth Is Wrong With Gravity?
Jan24

What On Earth Is Wrong With Gravity?

BBC2, 29th January 2008, 9PM. Clips from the Horizon programme "What on Earth is wrong with gravity?" featuring the scientist that everyone books when they need a physicist in a pinch, Dr Brian Cox. Searching for gravity waves in the swamps of Louisiana Here Brian demonstrates his intellectual superiority to average mortals by exposing his very sensible fear of spiders, creatures apparently drawn to gravity wave experiments like moths to flames or turtles to discussions about genetic drift in cloning. En route to GPS HQ, Colorado Springs, Colorado If you like science programmes but wish they could be just a little bit more Top Geary, minus Jeremy Clarkson (of course), then you’ll just love this clip of Brian in his car talking. If you dislike nanoseconds then you’ll love this clip just a little bit less. Explaining a gravitational wave Have you ever thought to yourself: how can I explain gravitational waves through space to a person who can’t comprehend that waves can compress and expand and still be waves and aren’t limited to sine curves with seagulls bobbing up and down on them whilst in a diner? Dr Brian Cox supplies the answer in this video clip. Napkins! Faking the moon landings Some helpful advice now for any would-be passengers in Dr Brian Cox’s car: don’t mention fake moon landings! Don’t drive angry, Brian, don’t drive...

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The Kidney Stone Diet
Jan21

The Kidney Stone Diet

I lost TWO POUNDS!!! In weight!!! In just ONE DAY!!! What’s my secret?!!?! Stones! Of the kidney variety! Yes! It’s true! I lost two pounds in weight in just one day thanks to the miracle Get Kidney Stones And Spend All Night On The Bathroom Floor In The Most Incredible Agony Ever Occasionally Throwing Up With The Pain Wishing You Could Pass Out Just To Get Some Relief Diet! And you can too! From the people who brought you: The Taper Off With A Tapeworm Plan, Slimming With Sharks, and Poo Yourself Sexy comes the revolutionary new diet system that’s 100% natural and 112% effective! The Get Kidney Stones And Spend All Night On The Bathroom Floor In The Most Incredible Agony Ever Occasionally Throwing Up With The Pain Wishing You Could Pass Out Just To Get Some Relief Diet! is the only diet that guarantees: Time off work! High-fibre dieters probably should avoid work too but that’s just a personal preference. Effortless weight loss! Yes, the pounds will ooze off your body while you try to lie as perfectly still as the scream-inducing spasms will permit! Sympathy for creationists! Bless their retarded hearts for worshipping an omnipotent, omniscient ghost who apparently came up with internal organs that clog with grit on purpose! Muscle-toning while you slim! Specifically: the sphincter muscles. More specifically: when you receive pain relief in hospital. Not specific enough? It’s not taken by mouth, okay? Forget about losing weight through dancing, only eating food coloured blue on Tuesdays, or spending long Summer days in an oubliette. When other slimming techniques can fail due to will power, the Get Kidney Stones And Spend All Night On The Bathroom Floor In The Most Incredible Agony Ever Occasionally Throwing Up With The Pain Wishing You Could Pass Out Just To Get Some Relief Diet! is the only one that’s with you for life! But don’t just take my word for it! Take other really genuine people’s words for it too! "Every tear I shed took salty weight with it too!" Leonard Herb, Newcastle "The paramedic touched my stomach! I usually pay for that kind of thing!" Jeremy Brown-Shoes, Harlow "I really must paint the ceiling." Percival Lacklustre, Swansea "Better than jazzercise on every level!" Henry Hehehenryson, Coventry "And gay men do that for fun?" Anthony Q. Dandelion,...

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I Loves Me Thems Egg Timers
Jan12

I Loves Me Thems Egg Timers

Relive the days of yesteryear and experience the grand thrill of genuine, old-fashioned egg timing just like your grandparents may have with this new weekly publication from neOnbubble Media And Neurotoxins Division GmbH I Loves Me Thems Egg Timers Week-by-week learn the history of eggs and the turning points in history that led to the invention of the first egg timer. Learn why some egg timers are larger than others and read true stories of eggs improperly timed. This enjoyable magazine will answer all your egg timing questions and builds to a comprehensive and stunning collectors piece that you’ll want to pass onto your grandchildren. Build Your Own Egg Timer Each of the 50000 issues comes with a new component fashioned from high quality materials and easy-to-follow instructions that will enable you to build your own egg timer. All components are durable and authentic and have been sourced from the finest egg timing capitals of the world! Issue 1 is just 1.99 in the shops now (normal price 4.99) and includes your first grain of whatever the hell that stuff is they put in egg timers. Is it sand or something else? I don’t know! Find out in the magazine! I Loves Me Thems Egg Timers Don’t delay! You’ve only got three minutes! Start collecting...

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