Small People
The people of Teenytinylandsville were small people indeed. Not just small like a child is small; smaller than that. Much smaller. And their children were smaller still. Small children of people really quite small when it’s all boiled down to basics. They lived in large houses but only comparatively so. While there was plenty of space within their houses for a large family – numerically – the houses themselves, such as you or I would be more familiar with, were very small. Bigger than the small people but small nonetheless. The small people had large families as I just mentioned. That is to say that in each family of small people there were a large number of small people related to one another. The families themselves were not large except when they formed mass family groups but they never did that as personal space was important to them. The small people would have had smaller families had they any form of contraception that was reliable but the condoms they found discarded on the beaches near their village were far too large for the small men to use. Except as zeppelins. The small people loved flying over their small village in their large zeppelins. If you had ever seen one flying over the village of Teenytinylandsville then you would not have considered it large at all but that would be because you were not small. Or perhaps you were. But even if you were small you would not have been as small as the small people in the village because they were ridiculously small indeed. The small people called themselves Teenytinylandsvillelanders. It was a large word for a small people. They were probably compensating. Nevertheless, when written down by one of the small people the very word itself was still small. You may think the writing on the bottom of insurance forms or contracts is small but that’s really nothing compared to the inherent smallness of the written language of these particular small people. If they could have gotten over their personal space issues for one moment it might have been possible for one or two families to spell out the word by using their bodies. The word would have been positively huge in the village. Yet, to us, still so very small. The small people made decisions as a group. There was a large hall where representatives of every family would attend to determine the politics of the village. The large hall dwarfed the large houses in the small village. It was still small though, but you’d probably gathered that by now. The small people made big decisions in...
Wet Wimbledon
Wimbledon has today announced new plans to combat the scourge of rain. Players will now be expected to play through wet conditions. Ballboys and ballgirls will require bronze medal certification in swimming to reduce the risk of drowning. Tim Henman’s nickname during the tournament will change from "Tiger Tim" to "Tiger Shark Tim". And then "Out Of The Tournament Early Again Tim" of...
Pregnancy Prevention
Abortions are on the up! See here if you don’t believe me. While this is good news if you bought into abortion stocks during their all-time low, for the rest of us it either belongs in the category of "sounds sensible" or "Jesus will be getting his smiting shoes on right about now". I’m a "sounds sensible" person myself but that doesn’t mean I’ll simply shun the anti-freedom brigades. My liberal, social views and pleasant, indiscriminating, non-judgemental attitude means I’m still happy to try to help these God-bothering, verminous scum to bring down those figures. Sadly for them, you don’t reduce abortions by banning them; the price of wire and deaths of women rises by banning abortions but actual numbers don’t go down so that’s not the answer. The way to reduce abortions is, simply, to reduce pregnancies. It’s not rocket science but it does take intelligence to realise this. So, how can we prevent pregnancies, especially in the highly vulnerable "stupid" age range? Condoms Condoms work by being sealed inside sachets that are fiddly to open. The ensuing embarrassment following "ooh, baby, yeah, let me just put this on and … grrr … hang on … oh you bastard, it only tore the edge … wait, I can do this … that’s it, no, you … GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WRAPPER YOU F … yes … yes … got it … OH YOU MOTHERF … it’s dropped on the carpet … there’s fucking cat hair on it now! … what do you mean you finished off without me?" ensures less sex. The equation of less sex leading to fewer pregnancies and fewer abortions is a simple one to follow and we’re sure to see it again. Toilet Seats The old wives’ tale about catching pregnancy from toilet seats through seated contact is clearly ridiculous yet has its roots – like many traditional stories – in reality. Scientists these days know that pressing the skin of one’s buttocks against a recently similarly-warmed seat will not actually lead to pregnancy in and of itself. Alzheimers is spread that way but you can rest easy knowing that babies aren’t. However, ejaculate from a man is able to survive under the rim of a toilet bowl for up to nine hours and – during lengthy "rest breaks" – sperm is able to charge for a woman’s naughty opening. On the plus side pregnancy is still not assured in this method but conversely it is typically filthy tramps breaking into homes and hiding out in public conveniences who make use of the rim in this way. The solution therefore is to make...
Ultimate James Bond Trivia
Guaranteed not to have been previously seen on IMDB or your next article is free! Film: Dr No (1962). Trivia: Sean Connery heard the song Under The Mango Tree so many times during filming that he developed a phobia for the fruit. The name of the island Crab Key was chosen because it is an anagram of Car Key B, writer Ian Fleming’s favourite key for opening his car. Although Jack Lord ended up playing Felix Leiter in the movie he originally auditioned for the role of Conch Shell #2 in the beach scene with Ursula Andress. Film: From Russia With Love (1963). Trivia: It was impossible to get the rats to run correctly in the catacombs so cats in rat costumes and camera trickery were used instead. Sean Connery refused to buy any lucky heather while filming at the gypsy camp and was subsequently cursed with an inability to render any foreign accents convincingly. Film: Goldfinger (1964). Trivia: Ian Fleming became incandescent with rage after the censors insisted that Honor Blackman’s character be named ‘Pussy Galore’ rather than ‘Cuntflaps O’Houlihan’. Harold Sakata – who played Oddjob – became so attached to his bowler hat that he became a stockbroker on the London exchange. He lost everything in the global jambalaya downturn of 1979. Film: Thunderball (1965). Trivia: The apparatus that allows Bond to breathe underwater was made from two tampons but Sean still doesn’t know and you mustn’t tell him. The jetpack Bond uses in the escape from the chateau was real. However, the helmet was a hollowed-out watermelon. The frogmen fighting sequence is generally regarded as one of the longest and most tedious moments in cinematographic history. Film: You Only Live Twice (1967). Trivia: Literal translations for this movie’s title in other countries include: "Mr Bond In Outer Space" (Canada), "Ninjas, Ninjas, Ninjas" (Ethiopia), and "Worst. Japanese. Impression. Ever." (Japan) Connery’s obsession with tentacle rape anime started during production of this film. The cat stroked by Blofeld in earlier Bond movies could not reappear due to other commitments and a replacement was used. Film: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969). Trivia: In the film Draco’s favourite drink is Corsican Brandy. However, in real life actor Gabriele Ferzetti claims he likes nothing better than bleach. George Lazenby and Diana Rigg’s rocky relationship on set is legendary but very few people realise this stems from them being born conjoined twins separated by a paper guillotine at age 7. Film: Diamonds Are Forever (1971). Trivia: Despite the looks, Mr Kidd was actually the "man" in his and Mr Wint’s relationship. Film: Live And Let Die (1973). Trivia: Jane Seymour became...
I Am Engaged
I have become one of "the engaged peoples". Yes, after eleven and half years of joyous living in sin we have decided to hitch up and incur the wrath of God no more. An emerald engagement ring has been purchased for my beautiful better half and I’m sporting a diamond-accented gold number myself. It’s all so terribly exciting and I just know you’ll want to know just how it happened. Authentic Engagement Decision Reconstruction Him: Good woman! Let us venture forth into the deepest bowels of the scurrilous region they call "The Lanes" in the homosexual-ridden haunts of the seaside city of Brighton just along this fine British coastline, thence to peruse the many vendors of jewellery-ware for we are but scant weeks from the celebration marking your arrival via the mechanism of birth into this world! Her (swooning): Jewellery! Woohoo! A conveyance ensues in an automocar … Him: Good woman! I am beginning to despair of my decision to impart my visitation upon this city for the road signs indicating places designated for the parking of automocars have clearly been cast randomly throughout the many highways and routes criss-crossing this region in order to trap and confuse weary travellers and so convert them to gayism through pink osmosis. Her: Sir! Look yonder! Despite the sign pointing towards the sea there is infact – should you glance beyond it – an automocar parking environment mere yards down this side street. Him (swooning): Parking! Woohoo! Our protagonists partake of some ambulation whereupon they soon find themselves within the shadowy world of "The Lanes" … Her: Oh sir! These rings are so pretty! A woman would transform like the butterfly into a lady were she to wear these rings! Him: Butterflies transform into ladies? Her: Shut up. Him: Shutting up. Her (gasping): Upon my soul sir! Pray, glance into this jewellery-ware-vendor’s emporium and look upon this ring! Is it not beautiful and large and green and sparkly and beautiful and expensive and deep and rich and gorgeous and lovely and sparkle-sparkle-yummy? Him: I get the impression you like it. You can have it if you want. Her: Really? Him: Yeah. I don’t mind. Her: And we’re not doing the voices anymore? Him: Nah. The man with the handbag keeps looking at me funny when I pretend to twirl my invisible moustache. Do you want it then? Her: It’s a bit pricey. I can’t have that. It is nice though. Him: You know I won’t stop you. If you want it we’ll get it. Her: We said we’d only buy something like that for "our special occasion". Him: Then it can be...
Smokefree England And Other Useless Signs
On July 1st England is going smoke-free in public, enclosed places. That means no smoking in pubs, clubs, tubs (public, enclosed tubs that is), restaurants, hospitals, churches, museums, taxis, giant robot suits, garages, crack dens, brothels, Burger Kings, supermarkets, oxygen tents, etc. Some people in the country are up in arms, coughing furiously and spitting cancerous phlegm at anyone who can tolerate their stench enough to stand nearby, whereas other people are smiling smugly and sniffing flowers or newborn bunny rabbits. It’s divisive, this smoking ban. One group of people who are particularly annoyed are "people who own buildings and stuff". For this unfortunate group there is an additional minor hardship to contend with in lieu of the new rules: no smoking signs must be displayed prominently everywhere. Their argument – which I happen to agree with – works like this: the smoking ban doesn’t just apply to a select few locations, it applies everywhere, thus making the need for signs both pointless and expensive for taxpayers who are the ones footing much of the bill for all this. Not only that, but some places that have never had a problem with smoking – churches, for instance – will still have to put the no smoking signs on display. Just in case. Since Jesus at no point said "Thou shalt not have a crafty fag" it must therefore be okay in the eyes of those of the religious persuasion to have one and this bureaucratic lunacy enforcing against the will of Jesus is the sort of thing that draws ire and the sound of many biros penning letters of displeasure to free local newspapers. Still, the smoking ban is coming – take heed you touristy people with intentions of visiting for a smoking break! – and the signs, as useless as they are, are going up. And they’re not the only signs that all places will be forced to display too. You’ll also soon be able to...
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