String Theory Explained Simply
When scientists – such as hip and trendy physicist Dr Brian Cox – talk about the universe – and believe me, it’s difficult to get a lot of them to stop talking about the universe – then they invariably bring up subjects such as "Dark Matter" and "Hawking Radiation" and "String Theory" and "Space-Time Vortex Marmosets". Is it possible for a dummy like you to understand these complex scientific terms? Why, yes it is! Today we’ll be looking at String Theory, explaining in simple terms just what it is and how it is the cause of the weak and strong gravitational properties in the universe. One of the core principles of physics is that particles – for example particles of light radiation – behave both as particles (which you’d expect) and as waves (which is just mental). Physicists call this duality of particles: confusing. The confusing properties of particles allows physicists to bamboozle people and get grants. Imagine a wave of particles streaming out across space. Wouldn’t that look like a great, long, wiggly string? You bet your unscientific ass it would! Is that string theory? You bet your unscientific ass it isn’t! However, it does demonstrate that particles – any particles – can form long strings. There are long string streams emanating from the Sun right now, washing up against buildings and reflecting colours into your eye holes. There are strings of radiation particles bursting forth from your monitor, crashing up against your face, and running down cracks in your skin to cancerfy your intestines too. There are streams of strings everywhere. You may be thinking: "all this talk of streams is making me want to pee. Is that string theory?" No, that’s your prostate trouble flaring up again. I told you anal sex was dangerous. Gravity is everywhere in the universe and as such it needs energy to keep it running. As luck would have it there is an awful lot of energy in all those particle strings all over the place. An awful lot. To demonstrate just how much energy is present in strings you can perform a string theory experiment of your own. String Theory Experiment You will need: a string of christmas tree lights a tree a bag Step one: decorate a tree with the christmas tree lights. Step two: undecorate the tree. Step three: put the lights in the bag. Step four: put the bag in your loft. Step five: wait one year. Step six: retrieve the bag. Step seven: untangle the string of lights. What you will discover is that a seemingly inoffensive string with plastic bulbs on it somehow stores staggering...
Kill All Politicians
Democracy is broken and the politicans broke it. We need to fix the system and that’s going to need a do-over, starting with the very people we elect to ignore our wishes and do whatever the hell it is they want anyway at our expense. It’s time to kill ’em all. Ironically, obviously, for entertainment purposes. Maybe whoever takes their place in Democracy 2.0 will think twice before ignoring the will of the populace then. Tony Blair I know he’s stepping down soon but he’ll always be around fucking something up, advising somebody badly, and advancing some other scheme designed to endanger the public, strip them of their privacy, and pilfer their savings in some way. Tony’s death – like his life – must come with a smile attached. A great, grinning, fake smile. Since he hates privacy so much it must occur in public so everyone can see. He likes stripping money from honest earners so it wouldn’t be fair to strip him of his cash since he’s not performed an iota of honest work in office. He can still be stripped though. Some ladies might enjoy that. Method Of Death: Guinness World Record attempt, live on television, to set the largest number of clowns dropped from a hot air balloon onto a naked, pegged politician. Ten thousand grinning, honking, oversized-trousers-wearing, splatting clowns! What a spectacle! George W. Bush Not the smartest cookie in the box of retarded and lobotomised cookies, pro-religion, pro-rich, pro-chuckling, pro-Dick, pro-innapropriate massaging, anti-doors, anti-bikes, anti-Segways, anti-questions, pro-vacations. Method Of Death: Sellotape him up inside a Xenu costume and deliver him to a by-invite-only for Operating Thetan Level VIII Scientologists knife-appreciation event, raising funds for victims of Katrina. John Reid British Home Secretary who most people would much prefer stay home and do the filing, perhaps fetching a cup of coffee if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, and showing a bit of leg every now and then. Wait, not that. May actually be a clean-shaven David Blunkett with eye implants as nobody sees the two of them together. Wants to rid us all of our human rights and personal freedoms in order to protect our human rights and personal freedoms, hates immigrants, hates habeas corpus as it sounds like a foreign phrase such as that spoken by a foreigner in times of foreignness. Method Of Death: Boiled alive by our friends in Uzbekistan, turned into Soup de John, and then served with fresh cockles picked by Chinese workers in Lancashire. Nancy Pelosi Democrat, speaker of the House of Representatives, and a woman! Imagine that! Demonstrated good verbal skills – although when up against...
Sky News, Second Life
I have registered for numerous surveys from numerous survey sites – primarily those with news and politics as their core concerns – as it allows me to get an idea for upcoming issues as well as actually see the genuine questions ("Who would you like to batter to death with a hermit crab on a desert island?") rather than the reported results ("80% of people recently surveyed said they’d like to spend time on a tropical island with Tony Blair"). One such site is Sky News Panel. They will soon be making a virtual appearance in the online escape-from-reality that is Second Life and to celebrate this event they commissioned a short survey about people’s wishes for their own second life. There is nothing apparently sinister about the mostly light-hearted survey but I do have to wonder whether there might not be some headline in the not-too-distant future about how Britons wish they were more outgoing people. Why? Because of this question: What would you rather be? More outgoing, less not outgoing than you are now, about the same as you are only more outgoing, the sort of person who’d be more outgoing than you, or you wouldn’t change a thing except be more outgoing? I know that most surveys are created to twist the results in one direction anyway but I really think that Sky should consider hiring someone who can hide their bias a little better. Half the fun of filling these surveys in is so that I can guess what needs to be pushed later down the line but sloppy question-preparation like this just spoils it for...
How To Milk A Caterpillar
These days most caterpillar-milking is performed by machine but in light of the coming end days when electricity stops working and society collapses in on itself in a rampage of orgiastic yelling and accusatory pointing it is important that the skills of our fathers and forefathers and their forefathers are kept, cherished, nourished, never admonished, occasionally polished, and – most importantly – disseminated to the survivors of the impending apocalypse via the technological miracle of the internet. Note: somebody please print off a hardcopy of the internet before it’s too late. Mental Preparation Caterpillars have incredible psychic senses and can tell when their milk is about to be stolen. The success of machine-milking is due to the insects not being able to accurately discern the thought processes of the metallic monsters. It is important that you meditate before milking in order that your emotional thinky processes do not alarm the caterpillar. Worried caterpillars produce lumpy milk fit only for the production of cottage cheese. Free your mind of milk-related thoughts. Imagine you too are a machine; a cold machine, pure of purpose, wide of girth, mighty of stronginess, friend to the caterpillar, not a horrible caterpillar milk-stealer, oh no sir. Breathe deeply, feel your heart rate lowering. Yes, you are ready. Loosening A Caterpillar Finding yourself near an unsuspecting caterpillar is a good first step but caterpillars will still not easily give up their precious juices unless they are in the right frame of mind. Loosening a caterpillar is a difficult job and experienced caterpillar-looseners were worth their weight in groats during the Middle Ages. Techniques you can try include plying with alcohol (caterpillars rarely refuse Long Island Iced Tea), spiking leaves with Rohypnol, milk rape, and chat-up lines. Here are some tried-and-tested chat-up lines for caterpillars: If I said you had a beautiful cocoon would you metamorphose for me? If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d add some juicy leaves next to ‘U’. Are you a Jamaican caterpillar because Jamaican me want to milk you of your milk please thankyou. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven or did your sixteen legs and rotund thoracic segments cushion the blow? You’re beautiful, can I buy you a GIVE ME YOUR MILK! The results of those particular tests was failure so you will need to find your own. Milking A Caterpillar If possible you should adopt a routine as this will help your caterpillar feel calmer and ultimately start producing more of that milky goodness. Place your milking stool to one side of the caterpillar and sit at an angle so that your head is resting on its rearmost...
I Have A Story
I have a story to tell you. It is an important story, the likes of which could very well blow apart your tiny, fragile mind! Unless you’re protected by the amazing new Bubble Mind Explosion Protection Cap from neOnbubble Industries. Lined with kevlar, ribbed for your cranial pleasure, and implanted with patented tunneling microscopic pressure light beam wave generator thingummajigs that work to actively prevent harmful inner head explosions using tried and tested scientific techniques, the Bubble Mind Explosion Protection Cap not only gives you the best anti-explosive head-based event management in the world today, it also looks good! A choice of colours and sizes and peace of mind in every sense! What are you waiting for!? Order today! Now, this story came to me by a very circuitous route. Passed by word-of-mouth from fathers to sons and sometimes back to fathers because you know what their memories are like, recounted in villages and towns, in valleys and on mountain peaks, on land, sea, and in the air too. And when I’m sending a story on such a long voyage I like to know that it will get there safely. That’s why I insist on Bubble Express, the delivery service you can count on from neOnbubble Industries. Guaranteed next day delivery in every country in the world, cheaper freight costs than all of our competitors, and the industry’s lowest figure of employees rifling through your parcels and stealing all the good stuff or fornicating in it before resealing it and sending it on. Don’t just track your package online; watch it! Bubble Express attaches a webcam to every item you send so that you can see the interiors of planes, warehouses, and vans as if you were sending yourself! Posting is so last year; Bubble Expressing is the future! When a story takes a long trip with many stops along the way it’s highly likely that it will change along the route, evolve, become entangled with the threads of the personality of the storyteller. It is inevitable. Isn’t it? No! Bubble Wrap Story Insurance from neOnbubble Industries protects prose purity AND insures it against corruption. Why would they insure it too? Because they’ve never paid out! They don’t have to! Bubble Wrap protection encases your story in a retelling Hawking Radiation-proof event horizon packed in a verbal vacuum. No new elements can be added. Nothing from the story can escape. You’re insured against hyperbole and meiosis, spoonerisms and malapropisms, and unexpected Cthulhu-entity influences at no extra cost! If you absolutely, positively need your story to arrive intact then please don’t forget the Bubble Wrap. But back to the story...
Darts
Is there a more manly sport than darts? I don’t think there is. You see more manly flesh when a bout of fisticuffs commences in the ring but exposed manly flesh is not a measure of the overall manliness of a sport or David Beckham would have joined a men’s synchronised swimming team in his youth. And he didn’t. He joined a netball team. A girls netball team. For girls. Nakedness or partial nudity does not a manly sport make. Aggression is something that is often considered manly while hoovering and painting toenails, often together, are those traits we all associate with women of the feminine persuasion. Darts is not an aggressive sport, unlike cock fighting. Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than touching another man’s bell end with my own. Rage. Building. Still, if pure anger made a sport manly then there’d be a whole new channel just for men called Sky Sports Leaving The Toilet Seat Up featuring housewives and girlfriends storming into rooms berating their partners and then throwing their remote controls at the window. Disclaimer: that’s never happened to me. Is sheer size something we can measure sporting manliness against? No. The men may be larger in sumo but darts players don’t wear nappies and hug one another. They are, however, armed with slivers of metal! That’s like ninja-sumo and I think we can all agree that nothing could possibly beat ninja-sumo on the manly scale of sports. So, with the position of Most Manly Sport attained, just who are some of the stars of the manly sport of darts these days? What do you mean by "I don’t care"? Phil Taylor "The Power" Stoke Stoke has given the world many wonderful things: pottery, for instance, and, of course, potters. And pottery shops. There are probably courses in learning to pot available in Stoke and don’t forget to take a guided tour of the amazing Stoke Pottery Experience. But Stoke also has people, some of whom have become famous for some ghastly reason or another; people like Anthea Turner and Neil Morrissey and, of course, Phil "The Power" Taylor. Phil’s record in darts is quite phenomenal. Nobody – and I mean nobody – in the world of darts has annoyed the living shit out of me more than Phil and that’s some record indeed! I’ve sent him some of those trophies you can buy in trophy shops engraved with "World’s Most Ungracious Winner" and "You’re No. 1 In My Book. My Book Of Arrogant Dart Players That Is!" (that last one cost a fortune to have done) but I suspect he hasn’t room for them...
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