In Conversation With An I.T. Consultant
Mark, can I bother you for a moment? Sure. You know that email we were both sent? With the zipped build of the trial kitting app? Yeah? Yes, that’s the one. Okay. Problem? Well I haven’t opened it yet but I just run it right? I haven’t looked at it properly yet so let me just … okay … right, well the zip’s got the entire directory structure of the app and its libraries … and there’s a setup subfolder with the setup program too so you’ve got a choice by the looks of it. You can either unzip the zip onto your PC and run the program directly or you can run the setup program in there to get everything installed that way instead if you’d prefer. Okay? I just double click on the email to run it, yes? You … well, no. It depends what you’ve got installed but the simplest thing is to save the zip and extract it. You can do that from Outlook yes? Only I’ve not done this before. What? Save an attachment? No, no. I can do Word documents but I’ve never run a zip before. But … but you’re our I.T consultant! You’ve been working in the computer industry for a couple of decades! You’ve never come across a zip file before? I don’t think so. You have to have come across a zip file before. The laws of probability dictate it. There’s no way you … look, do you know what a zip file actually is? Not … really … no. I can’t believe this. Okay. It’s a way of compressing another file into a smaller size or an entire directory of files into a single file of smaller size so that you can move it from one location to another – like in an email, for example – more easily. You don’t "run" the zip file, you open it and let the contents out. Think of it as a suitcase jammed full of clothes. Okay, I’m following you. Someone has sent me a "suitcase" full of clothes, right? Right. And now I’ve got to "open" my "suitcase" and take out the clothes. You’re getting it. And I do that by running my email. What!? No. What? You can’t run an email. No, not "run", of course, that’s just the wrong word, sorry. I download it, yes? Download? Download what? My email. What are you talking about? Your email is already "downloaded" and sitting in your Outlook inbox. Oh, right! I get you! I can run it from my inbox then. No! No, not "run", I … No! Oh, upload!...
Christian Versus Atheist
Interactive Christian Training Simulator (c) 2008 JesusTek Part III - Christian Vs Atheist: Final Showdown Congratulations on stomping on the Scientologist Mini-King and defusing the Islamic Suicide Bomber Baby with your Battering Baton of Blind Belief. You are now ready to take on your most potent of adversaries: the Atheist! The Atheist attacks God and His followers by using his brain and utilising the three unholy forces of "Knowledge", "Reason", and "Thought". You must be ready to counter the Atheist's aggression with your God-given gifts of "Faith", "Repetition", and "Proclaiming Religious Intolerance" in order to wear down the otherwise persuasive offensive powers of this insidious foe. The Atheist stands before you blocking all exits with his intellectually-filled bulk! The Atheist is a monstrous beast and rocks back laughing at what he considers to be your puny position. Just visible within his great and deceitful beard you can see books and scientific equipment. The Atheist glares at you and asks: "Pathetic Christian! Does prayer work?" WHAT NOW? >Answer 'Yes'Answer 'No'This sounds like a trap! Ignore the...
Evolution Of The Races
This week at work I found myself encased in the state of being stunned by a stunning statement from a colleague – a decidedly not stunning colleague – who stated his statement thusly, and with utmost sincerity: "The problem with evolution is you have to question how the different races evolved from different types of apes at the same time." This statement, sincerely stated, subsequently – and quite suddenly – stunned me into a state of stupefaction. I humbly confess that my mouth dropped open for several seconds and I beg the forgiveness of the intelligent people of the world for my lack of an immediate rebuttal and/or attack with an axe. I gathered my wits swiftly from where they had spilled out over my desk and educated him (through the power of mocking) for several moments until he left. Then I did the thoroughly modern thing and Twittered the event. I received a reply almost immediately from GorillaSushi (that I then didn’t spot until it was far too embarrassingly late to respond) which claimed that he himself was a direct descendant of the spider monkey. I did not find this particular statement to be as stunning or even, really, mildly surprising. He has, after all, eight arms and a love of bananas, a trait shared by the simian in question if memory serves. Nevertheless – and fortunately as far as this post goes – this got me thinking. Was there something in this bizarre notion of racial evolution being linked to varying species? The obvious answer of "careful now, there’s probably an axe attack imminent you buffoon, racial characteristics are clearly genetic adaptations to environment" seemed just a little bit too obvious for my liking. So, while I embark on funding requests to further examine this question I have begun compiling some likely test candidates among the world’s people and creatures. I’ll need to be careful to avoid offending any creatures. Race: The Swiss Description: Drawn to geometry and mathematics; the simple triangles of a Toblerone, the round holes in their cheese, the large numbers of their bank accounts and the sums of money therein. Likes to claim neutrality but certainly wouldn’t mind running the whole show so long as there was no physical risk, despises cuckoos and has fostered a national industry designed to incarcerate the animals within the madness-inducing, always-ticking tombs of miniature clocks. Most Likely Evolved From: Crows. Intelligent, drawn to shiny things, cautiously aggressive, long-running feud with cuckoos over nesting rights. Race: Canadians Description: Tolerant. Very tolerant. Maybe too tolerant. Who else would willingly live in close proximity to Americans and allow the French...
Vintage Slug Advertising
Celebrating the golden age of advertising and the marketing world’s flirtation with all things slug-related, when slugs were the thing for every household to have, men wanted to be slugs, and women wanted their men to leave sticky trails across the kitchen floor. Wait! We still leave sticky trails across the kitchen floor! ‘Slugs’ White Bread Campaign (1957) Adolph’s Slug Substitute (1959) Sluggle Kitchen Cleaner (1952) Interwoven’s Slug Appeal (1978) Keepsake Forehead Slugs (1953) Slugs Holidaymaking Magazine...
How To Fit A Toilet
In theory fitting a toilet is a very simple job. Water enters the cistern. Water fills the cistern. The cistern is connected to the bowl. The bowl receives water and when flushing occurs pushes old water and any bodily excretions within it through the waste pipe. In theory very simple. In theory. In theory chatting up women is very simple too. You coat yourself in Doctor Ofknowledge’s Miracle Unuglifier Sealant. You load the neOnbubble Slightly Saucy Conversation Sentience into an unused node of your brain. You talk to women. They respond. You work your way through the Karma Sutra until dawn. In theory very simple. In theory. We’re going to look at fitting a toilet today. This is based on the assumption that you live in a "builder-modernised" house "modernised" by a "lobotomised asylum escapee" (like me (that is living in a house like that like me, and not an asylum escape like me – I’ll have you know I never escaped!)). This means we’ll need to remove the old toilet first. Preparation Before you attempt to remove an existing toilet and fit a new one it is imperative that you are prepared beforehand. You will need: gym membership – concentrate on building up your thigh and lower back muscles, a double life – at night you will need to engage in bare-knuckle fisticuffs with ruffians and oiks in order to weather your hands, roughening them up for gripping purposes, a triple life – on nights when there are no uncouth youths just waiting for a good old-fashioned pounding you should sell your body as a cheap whore paying special attention to buttock-clenching and being down on your knees a lot, enough food and water to survive a nuclear holocaust in the event that you can never turn the water back on again. Turn Off The Water Realise very early on that there is no isolation valve on the existing toilet. Realise soon afterwards that there is no stopcock in the house. Resign yourself to stepping out into the street and stopping the water from the valve outside your house. The valve is rusty and there is muck all around it and possibly things waiting to bite you or crawl over you like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. HANDY PLUMBING HINT Why not buy a biological encounter suit for when you need to avoid touching anything icky? Turn the valve clockwise. Then anti-clockwise. Then clockwise again. Then realise you don’t know which way is off. Leave it where it was, consult the internet, and try again. It’s clockwise! Drain The Toilet Flush the existing toilet. This...
What Windows Said
Thankyou Windows! You’re my bestest pal! What Windows said … What Windows meant … Could be worse, though. I could be a Mac user....
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