Strictly Come Dancing 2007
If you’re anything like me – and let’s all hope they find a cure for that and soon – then you just find yourself glued to the television screen on Saturday evenings watching the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing programme. It’s simply a perfect blend of elegant ballroom dancing, sexy latin dancing, judges who have become parodies of themselves, and laughing at celebrities with no natural rhythm and two or more left feet that forms a ratings winner. This year has seen the introduction of two new changes to the programme format in a bid to freshen the show up and get people talking about it. I’m talking about so it must have worked! First off is the voting results show being on a Sunday night instead of later on the Saturday. Far from enabling longer in the editing room to pad out the highlights clips and produce more programming hours for lower production costs whilst simultaneously trying to enforce channel loyalty and shift the ratings on Sunday evenings away from competitor channels, this move instead is due to "research" indicating that "the people" wanted their Sundays filled thusly. What people and what research? All will be revealed after Christmas in the new BBC TV series Strictly Come Dancing People And Research Secrets Revealed. Claudia Winkleman will also host the fanzine show It Takes Clipboards. The second change to the programme is in the way the dancers are now voted off the show. The old method of the judges’ scores being supplemented by the public licence fee-payers democratic phone votes was deemed to be unfair to those celebrities who the judges had taken a shine to early on and decided should progress despite their obvious failings and clear bias from the panel. The makers of Strictly Come Dancing decided that a system that didn’t allow viewers of the programme to overrule the predetermined wishes of the tuxedoed elite was more in keeping with the spirit of a light entertainment programme. The judges now have a veto. But enough bitterness, just who are the competitors (left at time of writing) in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing competition? Dominic Littlewood & Lilia Kopylova Dominic Littlewood is the cheekiest chappy known to mankind. It’s pretty near impossible to mention Dominic without using the word "cheeky" or some derivative in every sentence. His natural cheekiness is enhanced by dousing with Calvin Klein’s Eau Seau Cheeky on a daily basis. This envelops Dominic in a misty field of supercheeky particulates that scientists label "The Cheeky Zone". He fancies one of The Cheeky Girls; the gormless one. Lilia is the fiery Russian minx that nobody would...
Friendly Fire To Be Reclassified
British military officials today bowed down to the wishes of the public and agreed to formally reclassify incidents previously known as "friendly fire". From now on all such occurrences of military death resulting from accidental actions by allies will be referred to in official documents and media dispatches as "killed by some fuckwit". The move – which has been universally applauded in the Houses of Parliament and throughout the national press in Britain – comes on the heels of months of intense pressure from concerned groups such as Mothers Against Disingenuous Description Of Things and the Marine Biologists For A Clearer Naming System Please organisation. Army spokesman Lt Col Charlie Mayo explained that the decision to rename so-called "friendly fire" had been met with stiff resistance by American military leaders. "Our counterparts in the various wars we’re engaged in across the third world were rather hoping we would adopt their preferred term of ‘passed away in their sleep’ to describe any future accidental bombings, shootings, and runnings-over with tanks of our troops but – its obvious merits in sparing anguish for relatives aside – we ultimately answer to the British people and that is the reason for this new change." "Killed by some fuckwit" is the latest in a series of high-profile new terms issued by the allied military forces in the last few months after mounting levels of complaints that news of the numerous wars was being deliberately sugar-coated for media consumption. In February IEDs – which had previously been called "bombs" but had then been renamed during the Iraq conflict to avoid the negative imagery associated with the word – were reclassifed once more as YBEGWs or "yellow-bellied enemy girly weapons". Similarly, in June an American General in Baghdad admitted that the general reduction in fear initially caused by describing enemy combatants as "terrorists" over the past few years was the primary reason in renaming all foreign fighters as "spider...
Where Does Rain Come From?
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides. Where does rain come from? Rain comes from clouds, the grey and white bits in the sky that aren’t seagulls. Just like seagulls, clouds eject liquid excretions through their bottoms. Cloud excrement is called rain. Seagull excrement is called there’s fucking bird shit all over my car again, have they got a fucking map that tells them where I’ve parked?, bastards. What do clouds eat and drink? When anything in nature consumes something else it takes the nutrients it can and the rest – the waste – is dumped. Your waste is formed from hamburgers, artichokes, and Singapore Slings, for example, and is called wee-wee and number twos. Clouds eat the flesh from passengers on board planes struck by lightning – all of which is subsumed and used by the clouds to feed its fluffy neural network of rage. Clouds also absorb water when the liquid evaporates, which it retains until it is accused of being fat; this is then rained upon you. What is evaporation? Evaporation is the natural process where water molecules fight off the force of gravity and fly to a better life in space. In their natural state water molecules clump together for warmth – making them heavy – but it doesn’t work very well. Water is cold-blooded. However, if water is split apart or once it warms up it’s every molecule for itself and nothing can stop those babies from spreading their wings and soaring. Nothing except clouds that is. For over three years leading scientists have maintained that the bulk of water evaporates from the sea to avoid high salt in its diet, flies over mountains, and lands on the plains in lakes which leak through the Earth into ocean pipes. They call this the water cycle. This is clearly preposterous though – the sea contains mostly low sodium salt making it relatively healthy – and rain experts now suspect that the three main causes of water evaporation are: Footballers’ Spit · No other sport produces quite so much spitting as football; no, not even International Gobbing On Germans. Stepping on the field requires a great big wad of phlegm at the feet. Stretching exercises double that. When the actual match starts every other step transforms the pitch into a fountain display of spittle. Studs on the boots of footballers act to break down the pools of cooling liquid on the grass over the course of ninety minutes and the saliva vapour then escapes upwards to avoid being crushed under an excessive goal-celebration man-sandwich. Footballers’ spit accounts for...
Joost Invitations
Joost Invitations Are Just A Click Away … If You Click This Link That Is … Otherwise They Are Potentially Further Away Yes, you too can be a proud member of Joost just like I’m not at the moment by doing what I’m doing and whoring myself out … oh God, I feel so cheap … all this for a Joost invitation … I mean, I love RGS and there’d definitely be some hugging and spooning afterwards but still, I could have just asked Jason, couldn’t I? … this bloody Joost thing had better be worth this … I’m putting off an hilarious (disclaimer: not that hilarious) post about darts for this … feel … so … dirty … but I kinda like it. In summary: Joost. UPDATE 14:30ish: Okay … I now have Joost … and it will take some getting joost to … haha! that’s an awful joke! did you see what I did there? … I said joost when I … oh, never mind. UPDATE 11th May: Do you want a Joost Invitation? There are two ways to get an invite from me. a) if you know me, have commented here before, link to this site, or are linked from it then simply send me an email or click here and fill in the comment box with your FIRST NAME, LAST NAME, and EMAIL address. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. b) if you’re a first-time visitor then … quid pro quo Clarisse … pick an article, any article (popular articles are here, a list of stories is here, awesome tales of religion are here, or the archive of all articles is here), read it, and comment on it in a relevant way (positive or negative, just not short and pointless) to fool me into thinking you really have read it (I won’t believe you but let’s just play along), and then come back here and request your invitation (FIRST NAME, LAST NAME, and EMAIL address please). I.e. you have to leave at least 2 comments; one elsewhere, then one here. 3 comments is good too, and 4 and above are wonderful. However … only 1 comment? Sorry. And 0 comments? That’s a big no-no as I’m not telepathic. That’s not much to ask is...
Cat Pee
How do you stop a cat from peeing in the house? No, that’s not the start of a joke. You see, I have a cat and that cat – being an animal – expels fluid waste from its body using its teeny, tiny cat penis. Okay, maybe compared to other tabby cats the penis is a monster both in length and girth but I’m not prepared to do any research in that area. Suffice to say: it’s smaller than mine. Really. Beside the point, though. The point – if I remember correctly and dispense somehow of the image of cat genitalia in my mind at the moment – is that fluids, when they aren’t being regurgitated or drooled at the speed of light from one end of his furry body, instead prefer the option of ejection via the teeny, tiny penis. In itself, not a problem and I believe the method recommended by leading doctors. However – and the opening sentence may have given this away – he’s doing it in the house. He’s not crapping in the house. For that he goes outside the back door roughly where a typical human might step should he or she decide to risk an excursion into The Garden Of Unearthly Horror™. He makes use of the cat flap we installed at great traumatic and sweary cost to ourselves. But peeing: he’s taken to peeing just inside the cat flap. It’s a strip of concrete flooring so it has a few benefits: it’s not carpet like the now-torn-up and discarded dining room flooring ruined in a similar manner by his brother last year, it’s not a duvet cover like the one that was peed on last month by Feline Assailant Unknown But Very Much Suspected, said urine flowing with the power of gravity through the duvet, through the sheet, through the mattress, and onto the bedroom floor over the course of the day, it’s marginally less gruesome to clean up than that time one of my little darlings had a bad dream while sleeping on my lap and peed himself a little while digging one very sharp and probably infected claw through the tracksuit bottoms into a very sensitive area of my person as he shrieked himself awake. I’m a cat lover. I’ve seen some of the search terms people already use to visit this site so I’ll just clarify that my love extends as far as warm feelings but no erections! This means I’m a good person. I don’t want to lock my cat outside the house. Our garden is not a pleasant place to be. I understand his reticence in...
That Phunny Pharmacy
Boys and girls, are you in for an hilarious treat!?! Yes! It’s another fabulous, hilarious, brand new comic strip featuring everyone’s favourite – and hilarious – characters: Senor Pig-Head and The Boy Tentacle!...
Recent From Retro
-
The Women Of Kilobaud Computing Sep 26, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent From Entertainment
-
Dance Music Triple Nov 19, 2016 -
-
-
-
-
Recent Comments