More Uncut Bible
Congressmen stalk teenage boys! Countries threaten nuclear tests! Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games! Gunmen really have it in for schools! In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended. "These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’" Mark 6:8-11 "And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish." Ezra 4:7 "In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working." 2 Chronicles 3:10-13 "When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’ When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they...
Abbey National Bank Charges
I’m not a customer of the Abbey National Bank. I’ve heard so many bad things about the company that it would just never cross my mind to trust my money with them. In the list of things more preferable to being a customer at that particular banking institution I might include: umbrella up the backside … then opened, an evening with anybody who has ever appeared on Blind Date, employment as Marc Almond’s stomach-scrubber. Of course, the reason I know that Abbey’s reputation as a business among many customers fluctuates between "Should have borrowed from the Mafia" and "Bless ’em! They employ the mentally crippled!" is because I have access to the internet. Now let’s take my father: my father does bank with the Abbey National. Oh noes!!1! He doesn’t have any of the internets! Yes, I’m afraid he trusted his earnings to them. And – just like so many other account holders – he’s probably been overcharged by the bank. Probably. We don’t know for sure because – and you’ll like this – it appears the Abbey National Bank are incapable of telling him. They know, of course, one way or the other. They just can’t seem to part with this really quite useful information. In the U.K. we have something called the Data Protection Act. It’s an act of law designed to protect data. One of the things it does is obligate any holders of data about an individual to divulge that data within 40 days of requesting for a nominal, maximum charge of £10. If you ask for your data – your charges over the last five years, for example – from your bank then they MUST give you that data within 40 days AND you can’t be charged more than £10 for the privilege. I thought I’d make that clear. It seems clear to me. Maybe it does to you. To the employees and management at Abbey it would appear that this is too complicated to grasp. Let’s talk about my father again: he’s ill. Nothing major but – and this is quite important – it’s the sort of illness that is affected by, among other things, stress. Dealing with a bank – any bank – can be stressful. When it comes to dealing with the Abbey National, though, Mogadon users turn green, rip their shirts off, and smash things into pulpy messes. If only they’d smash the executives into pulpy messes! Wishful thinking. This post is simply an informative (perhaps) insight into how Abbey operates (if you’re not an Abbey customer then please accept my hearty congratulations and you might want to browse somewhere...
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Baby Photos
All this fuss over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie having baby pictures. Brad and Angelina with baby picture. Awwww. It’s only recently that Angelina became interested in human babies. Years before she met Brad and had a child with him she was more interested in other sorts of newborns and offspring. In the photo below you can see the beautiful Miss Angelina Jolie with pictures of her various babies. There’s a monkeylet (young monkey), a baby squirrel, and a kitten. And, if you look carefully, two decidedly adult...
Hottest Sci-Fi Babes. Ever!!!!
There comes a time in every man’s life when he sits down and compiles a list of the 10 hottest babes of science fiction. It’s not something we can help and, since it’s a pleasurable experience, it’s not something we care to consider controlling either. For me that time has come now. I’m not the first man to do this and I won’t be the last and I won’t pretend that every other man will agree with this list 100% either. But most will. Because it is that good. 10 Character: LaliariActress: Missi PyleTV Show/Film: Galaxy Quest Oh, that’s not right. But it is. Tentacles. Hot. 9 Character: Princess ArdalaActress: Pamela HensleyTV Show/Film: Buck Rogers In The 25th Century It was very difficult being a woman in the early 80s series of Buck Rogers. How any of them kept from rolling around in hysterics while the corset-wearing, white spandex-apparelled hero tried to hold everything in while sometimes conveying both of his emotions (smiling and not quite smiling) in a single scene beggars belief. Still, the show did feature a string of ladies for Buck to rescue or with whom he could enjoy romantic interludes. Everyone remembers Wilma, of course, but everyone with a functional libido remembers Princess Ardala more. She wasn’t as wet as Wilma, her spaceship was bigger, she was a Princess for freak’s sake. And can anyone say "scantily-clad lust kitten"? Well, I’m thinking it anyway. 8 Character: GuinanActress: Whoopi GoldbergTV Show/Film: Star Trek Hairy girls are not hot despite what the Germans think so it’s a step in the right direction that Whoopi has no eyebrows. More importantly, though, is that Guinan runs a bar. Can you feel your temperature rising? Yes, that’s the alcohol at work. 7 Character: Martian GirlActress: Lisa MarieTV Show/Film: Mars Attacks! What can I say? I like girls with big … hair. Ack ack ack ack ack. 6 Character: LyekkaActress: Louise WischermannTV Show/Film: Lexx Lexx just oozed sexuality so it would be almost impossible to omit it from any list of science fiction babes or hunks. For the ladies there was Stanley Tweedle and for the manlier sex we had a procession of lovelies to salivate over. I could have picked Zev and her blue pubic hair. I could have picked Xev and her lips to die for. But when it comes to selecting the hottest of the hots it simply must be the luscious Lyekka. She’s a man-eating vegetable in nearly anatomically-correct female form. She can’t get pregnant, can handle herself in a fight, and will be happy with an occasional watering and a fresh growbag every now and then....
Your Colostomy Bag And You
Have you been thinking about having a colostomy bag fitted but you’re not sure if you should? What will the neighbours say? What will your priest say? Will you need to wear a special sign around your head so people don’t slap you on the stomach playfully and ruin your new shirt? Is this just another quick fad or are fashion colostomies here to stay? All these questions ignored below! The Dangers Of Colostomy Bags Suffocation. Your bag will be non-porous and, therefore, carries with it a risk of suffocation. Keep it away from pets and small children and do not wear it over your head. Doubly true when full. You can reduce the danger of asphyxiation by requesting a porous model. But I wouldn’t. Oh no. Human Evolution. Like most creatures in the animal kingdom humans are essentially doughnut-shaped. On the surface this does not appear to be the case – with the exception of the Korean Fighting Doughnut Fish – but it is a scientific fact just like "butterflies can’t fly straight for shit". The "hole" starts at the mouth and ends at the anus. Sometimes it ends just beyond the anus but you can get cream for that. Once your colostomy bag is put in place one end of the "hole" will no longer serve any purpose. If that end isn’t your anus then your surgeon operated on you upside down. When a body part is no longer necessary or used it shrivels up and dies to reduce energy costs (see: ‘politicians and brains’, or ‘Whoopi Goldberg and eyebrows’). Your anal passage will inevitably seal over unless you exercise it in other ways (don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how) transforming you into a cup-form as opposed to a doughnut-shape. Always carry an umbrella with you when it rains otherwise you might fill up and drown. Elevators. Three hundred people die of embarrassment each year immediately after having their colostomy bags trapped in a closing elevator door. Don’t be one of those people! The Stigma Of Colostomy Bags There was a time in the not-so-distant past when wearing a colostomy bag was something to be ashamed of. As recently as the 1970s in Britain it was even an offence to wear one in public and carried with it custodial and truncheonable sentences on a par with homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals and loitering with intent to commit homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals. In these more enlightened times both the criminality of "baggers" (as wearers are known) and the attached social stigma are gone. Indeed, with...
The Bible: Uncut
Christianity is the religion for you if choice is high on your agenda! Don’t like the New International version of the Bible? Try the American Standard version! Trusty old King James Bible doesn’t fit in with your sheep-rustling lifestyle? Maybe Young’s Literal Translation is more up your alley! There are tens of different versions of the Old Testament stories and New Testament accounts of the life of Jesus and you’re simply bound to find one that suits you sooner or later. Personally, I like Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible with its faithfully-restored passages deliberately left untranscribed in other versions by the prudish monks of ye olde medievale tymes. What other Bible uplifts you quite like this? "Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry, not to mention stung to buggery by scorpions. He had a lovely tan though." Luke 4:1-2 "The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, ‘What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?’ ‘Worst. Sailors. Ever’ he replied and the men, who were fearful and drunk on clam juice, threw Jonah overboard into a passing fish." Jonah 1:11-14 "’I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir. I mean it. You’re all for it unless the person who stole my wallet owns up’ says the Lord." Amos 1:4-5 "The hand of the Lord was upon me there, and he said to me, ‘Get up and go out to the plain, and there I will speak to you.’ So I got up and went out to the plain and waited and wondered why the Lord couldn’t have spoken to me inside where it was warm but the Lord did not speak unto me. And so I went back in and someone had eaten my dinner." Ezekiel 3:22-23 "After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptised. Now John also was baptising at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptised and so Jesus and John had an old-fashioned Baptise-Off which Jesus won narrowly after John...
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