What I Don’t Like About Christians
Here’s what I don’t like about Christians: I don’t like those beards they have. Beards and no moustaches? What’s that all about? Now those hats are quite funky – a hat is a good thing and more people should wear hats – but that whole no moustache, full beard-look going on is just plain wrong. If God had wanted beards and no moustaches he would have bloody well given men beards and no moustaches. Don’t tell me there’s a passage in the Bible about only using your Gillette Fusion above your lip. And why do Christian men want to marry lots of women at once and call them wifey-sister-daughters or something. Sounds decidedly dodgy to me. Although a troupe of Marie Osmonds does hold a certain appeal; harmonic singing, obviously. Oh, and orgies. But still: I don’t recall Jesus marrying one woman let alone a menagerie of the species. As I recall the chap was pretty fond of hanging around with men more-or-less exclusively. Christians: just hang around with men. Stop marrying lots of women. You know when Christians protest outside churches saying God hates whatever is currently occurring in or nearby? Yeah, well I don’t like that about Christians. Admittedly, your old fictional Jesus fella did cause a bit of a furore in a temple once, so I recall, but it seems he might have had a more genuine reason for it. Which reminds me: Winchester Cathedral! Pay to enter? Get lost! I don’t approve of Christians heading off and forcing indigenous peoples to convert to their version of Imaginary Friend Syndrome. Stop doing that! Those people are most likely perfectly happy without indoctrination, fear, and the always popular Get Out Of Jail Free card that comes with every sin following a short bout of confession. Does believing in wine transforming into the blood of dead Middle Easterners help keep a twisted fronds roof over your jungle head? It does not. When those Christians get together in groups and dress up as ghosty witches it does look pretty cool and a lot of fun but, seriously, haven’t you people heard of regular bonfires and embracing the community? A little thought about safety and integrating with the tanned members of society will go a long way to making those meetings really kick. Exclusionist clubs can cause unrest and no Christian wants that. No Christian wants unrest! I’m not a big fan of people having non-consensual sex because it just seems like that’s bad and not very Christian. With that in mind I think Christians should stop having sex with children because it’s difficult for the little blighters to really...
My Religious Experience
I’ve had a religious experience. It was your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill religious experience in that it involved indoctrination and the use of time that could otherwise have better been spent doing pretty much anything at all. I’m talking about my upbringing and not some delusional "ooh, I’ve spotted the beard of Jesus in dry rot" or "I’ve got no grasp of probability so two random events are clearly a physical manifestation of an ethereal omnipresence" situation. I was raised to believe in an Irish-whisked, Rome-centric, Italian interpretation of the fictional Greek account of a group of Middle Eastern gentlemen along with all the popular legends passed down generation-to-generation by word of exaggeration and borrowed from numerous other disparate cultures: Catholicism to the layman. I was brought up this way by my mother and I can be thankful for the small mercy that at least the brain-pummelling attempt was in English; she had latin to cope with too. Now, of course, it’s not my mum’s fault that she encouraged fear of doing anything lest the invisible man in the clouds punish me; she underwent a similar indoctrination process herself and it worked to some extent on her. Nor is it her fault that she utterly, utterly wasted an hour every week of both our lives engaging in the ritual of – now let’s see if I can remember – genuflecting, sitting, standing, sitting, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, getting soggy paper-tasting wafer stuck in the roof of the mouth, kneeling, sitting, standing, swapping germs through the act of shaking hands with random, nearby, homeless people and those who figured the nineteen layers of clothing they were wearing would probably absorb any leakage so why not skip the whole visiting a loo experience, sitting, standing, and genuflecting once more; all interspersed with monotonous tunes and the same stories over and over again. Religion: helpful hint! Try writing a few new Jesus stories to keep the kids coming back! My Catholic indoctrination was proceeding well, it thought. Baptism was completed, stamping my fortunately-difficult-to-detect soul with a "Property of The Pope" mark. The repetitive tall tales and body-training kneely-standy-sitty routines were becoming ingrained. There was even… The Confirmation. The Confirmation is another way of saying "Hey! I didn’t ask to be baptised but strangely after being instructed over and over and over and over and over again about how good being a Catholic is I’ve decided of my own free will that I’ll repeat the process to show there are no hard feelings." I didn’t get the option to choose not to be Confirmed; that would have been crazy. Being Confirmed means you get...
Places I’ve Found Jesus
People – most often religious people with glaucoma or people who really, really want to appear on local news broadcasts – frequently find Jesus in the strangest of places: on areas of concrete walls popular with tramps as public urinals, wherever damp has seeped onto the ceiling because of dodgy roof tiles, on bread left too long in the toaster, et cetera. You know: all the places the son of an omnipotent, omniscient creator of everything in the universe and then some would appear. Now, I’m not religious and feel that anyone who is is merely worthy of nothing but my unending contempt yet I too have not been immune to occasional appearances in my life by the fictional character of Jesus. Unlike others who have gone before me I’ve no expectation or intention of appearing in pictorial form in my local free paper pointing at a smudge while mouthing the word "ooh!" But that won’t stop me uploading my evidence here. And mouthing "ooh!" Jesus In The Sky I remember the day well: it was a Wednesday or a Saturday. Probably a Saturday actually because the orthodox Jews would have been unable to Twitter the appearance of Jesus. That’s the mysterious way of the Lord at work right there. Yes, so it was most likely a Saturday. I remember it well: I was outside because you can’t see the sky from my living room. We don’t open the curtains because the plasma TV’s in the bay window and most of the time we can’t be arsed reaching over the back of to try to drag the curtains around. And there’s a moth that lives on the curtains which I don’t like disturbing. Although when he flies around at night bumping into the TV when we’re trying to watch a DVD I could happily strangle him. I’d need really small hands though. No, but I wouldn’t really strangle him. Or her. How do you sex a moth? Anyway, why am I talking about the curtain moth? So, yes, I was outside. Looked up. Saw Jesus. I remember it well. Jesus In Vomit That Christian messiah really appears in some unpleasant places. So, this one time I was out walking, minding my own business, whistling in my mind so as not to annoy anybody else. Suddenly – bam! – from out of nowhere I heard someone speaking in tongues. Turned out it was me and the voices were saying things like "bleurgh!" and "ohgahohgah" which didn’t make any sense. But inside me there was a another voice, really quite similar to my own which was translating these strange utterances and...
That Uncut Bible
I know what you’re thinking: surely to goodness there can’t possibly be more previously-hidden passages from the one-and-only, complete, uncut Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible, can there? There sure can! We’ve seen some of the bits deemed "too hot for Christianity!" by none other than one of Popes himself (we forget which one) before here, here, and here but if there’s one truism about religion it’s this: preposterousness has no end! And, besides, it’s nearly Easter. Everyone likes to hear the truth about Jesus and chocolate at this time of year. Are you kneeling comfortably? Then we’ll begin. "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. But God was definitely doing this as a punishment or for research and God definitely didn’t approve of or like any of what he saw even though he let it go on for a long time and watching it all didn’t turn him strange or anything." Romans 1:26-27 "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. And avoid the luxurious bath of luxury as it contains liquid death. Also, do not press the big red button with the words ‘PRESS ME’ flashing on it for it controls the auto-destruct system. Why are you looking at me like that?’" Genesis 2:15-17 "Then Haggai said, ‘If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?’ ‘No,’ the priests replied, but they were wrong and did not receive a cheese for their Science and Nature question." Haggai 2:13 "That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus tried to explain that they really shouldn’t have built their town on a Hellmouth." Mark 1:32-34 "Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Likewise for the ball gag and crotch rope." Phillipians 1:12-13 "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant...
An Interview With Ray Comfort
Never let it be said that I’m anything but fair. Many, many moons ago I conducted an interview with then-doctor-now-heap-big-better-than-doctor Brian Cox and we discussed matters of science, said science being a subject very close to my heart as I have it on good authority that certain sciencey things occur in its vicinity; biology, chemistry, and physics (yeah, the big three!) apparently. Another subject close to my heart is religion – I once snagged my nipple on a rosary – and, till now, I’ve neglected to complement my interview of one of science’s finest with one of religion’s finest. Or nearly finest. Or adequatest. Or he’ll-doest. Website, let me now introduce you to Ray Comfort, kiwi by birth (not the species), evangelical minister, opponent of science’s rational explanation of evolution, and author of You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence, But You Can’t Make Him Think. ME: Ray, I’ve finally given in and taken up your challenge to interview you but declined your more-than-generous offer of ten thousand recitations of the commandments as evidence for whatever’s in your head. Welcome to this little crook of the internet. RAY: Thank you for finally listening to me; many people don’t. And please, call me The Raymeister. ME: Let me just draw your attention to paragraph one, sentence one of the interview contract I drew up and you signed where it says "I’m not calling you The Raymeister." RAY: Whatever. ME: Don’t do that with your fingers; teenagers do that. Let’s start. Why don’t we begin with man’s descent from apes? What’s not to like about the fossilised and genetic evidence as uncovered by your archnemeses People Who’ve Actually Studied This Stuff? RAY: We’ve all seen the picture, right? There’s man and before him is an apeman and before him is an apeman laboratory assistant with a hunch and/or rickets and before that is an ape and before that is a monkey, yes? It looks sensible on the face of it and sure, there are all these ancient bones to back it up and the suspiciously difficult to see DNA which they claim supports it all. But ask yourself this: why does it stop at monkey? Why don’t they keep going back? Smaller monkey then tiny monkey then monkey insect and monkey bacterium? Why not? Because it’s ridiculous and all made up and they know it. Booya! ME: How would you respond to this statement by website interviewer me, right now?: just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean that it is wrong; it could be right whilst, simultaneously, you might just not get it through either a lack of mental capability...
A Gay Sex Date With Fred Phelps
"Fred, come in!" "Come in! Come in! Is that some sort of perverted double entendre? Come in! Is it?" "It’s generally considered an invitation to transpose one’s person from an outside area to an inside area and there absolutely, positively was no …" "My person? My … person?! Inside area! Inside area! Fag! Filthy, abhorrent fag! Inside area is a fag name for God’s Glorious Gaper! Are you a fag-supporting, fag-loving fag!?" "It’s raining outside and you’re getting wet so won’t you please just step through the doorway, think about leaving a few of your fag references behind, and get inside this fu … this house now? Please?" "I will enter your domicile, your shelter of sodomites, knowing I have the protection of the Lord!" "Well, that’s good. I was going to have to insist on protection anyway. No telling where you’ve been." "That is a sinful statement to make. I am as God made me, pure with His spirit flowing through me, uplifted by His power." "Hey, save the dirty talk for later. Why don’t you take your coat off. You’re dripping on the carpet." "Blaspheming sodomite-enabling heathen fag! The holy fluids are not to touch man-made fibres. May God’s wrath strike you down for your damned lies!" "The rain … rain! … is running down your coat and it’s falling … oh, forget it, it’ll dry out. Can I get you a drink?" "I wouldn’t say no to a Cosmopolitan." "Cocktail man, eh?" "Perverted sodomite! Your sick, moral blindness will be your undoing when the judgement of God is laid upon your soul and you are shredded and torn asunder and caused to flame in the furnace of hell!" "Tell you what: we’ll skip the drinks. You sound like you’ve had a few already." "Homo-fascist! My throat is dry!" "Well, I’m sure we can rectify that situation if you know what I mean." "So that Cosmopolitan’s still available then?" "Apparently you don’t know what I mean. I’m talking about the hot, gay sex we’re going to have. You know? You popped over here for sex with me … a man … to have sex … with. Yes?" "Popped! Popped! Popped is a fag word! You filthy disseminator of vile fagspeak! God hates you and your depraved kind!" "You’re giving me a headache." "Kneel down and I shall pray above you and beg your Creator to forgive your defiance!" "Kneel in front of you? Oh! Oh! It’s role-play! Role-play! I get you! The old religious disciplinarian job! Right, nice one. Okay … yeah, sure, I’ll kneel and maybe you can let me take your, er, communion wafer in...
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