What Is Hormonal Imbalance?
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides. What Is Hormonal Imbalance? Women are complicated and many of their internal bits and pieces do not function very efficiently. For a woman to simply survive into middle age her body must constantly try to balance numerous chemical releases from her various glands and leg-mounted secretion podules in order to stop her from killing herself or all those around her within a six mile radius. Two of the most important female hormones are oestrogen and progesterone. If these hormones are not produced to ISO 9660 standard then a woman will become unstable. Observation indicates that most of the time the two hormones are not produced to ISO 9660 standard. What Causes Hormonal Imbalance? Owing to the fragile nature of women pretty much anything will do the trick but some common causes of imbalance are progesterone evaporation as the result of exasperation that men cannot read minds and over-production of oestrogen because Jimmy Choo shoes are on sale. How Does Hormonal Imbalance Manifest Itself? Anything out of the ordinary can be an indicator that a woman’s internal organs are playing up again. A woman should be monitored closely or from a distance through high-powered binoculars in order to ascertain just what is normal and that should be used to identify spikes of abnormality. Abnormality could be a sign of a problem with hormone production. Or the woman might just be abnormal. Some of them are. Quite a lot of them are. Documented examples of the manner in which hormone imbalance has been observed among the female population include: Weight gain around the head. Excessive "crush your head" fingers. Irrational dislike of cats. Bad hair day. Luminous instestine. Appreciation of R ‘n’ B music. Runs everywhere. Aversion to garlic. Elongated ankles. Inverted skin. Irresistible to crayfish. Handbag doesn’t match hat. Can A Woman Prevent Hormonal Imbalance? Doubtful without a complete rethink and redesign and we’re probably looking at six or seven figures here. A woman’s best bet, therefore, is to manage the way she leads her life in order to reduce the risk of triggering hormone production problems. Diet can play an important factor where producing oestrogen is concerned. Cake intake should be limited to no more than three head-sized sponges a day and care should be taken to avoid any food which is rich in anti-matter or illegally-trapped seals such as fish fingers, cucumber sandwiches, or seal-on-a-stick. Exercise also affects hormone production. Women should partake in strenuous muscle-building exercises such as bear wrestling and star jumps. The presence of strong muscle tissue can help keep...
Cable-On-Cable Action
Bored? Lonely? Like cables? Tangled cables. Entering … sockets. Multiple insertions. Oooh, that’s gotta hurt! Black, white, yellow, blue, orange, red. Interracial cable-on-cable action for you. And cable ties … for you filthy perverts. Are you ready to experience 52 whole seconds of cables and backs of computers!? Can you stand the excitement that just under a minute of explicit wiring contains?! Do you want to see a brief flash of … my foot?!?! Warning! The preceding video included the sound of my work colleague sneezing! Not for the faint of...
Evolution Of The Races
This week at work I found myself encased in the state of being stunned by a stunning statement from a colleague – a decidedly not stunning colleague – who stated his statement thusly, and with utmost sincerity: "The problem with evolution is you have to question how the different races evolved from different types of apes at the same time." This statement, sincerely stated, subsequently – and quite suddenly – stunned me into a state of stupefaction. I humbly confess that my mouth dropped open for several seconds and I beg the forgiveness of the intelligent people of the world for my lack of an immediate rebuttal and/or attack with an axe. I gathered my wits swiftly from where they had spilled out over my desk and educated him (through the power of mocking) for several moments until he left. Then I did the thoroughly modern thing and Twittered the event. I received a reply almost immediately from GorillaSushi (that I then didn’t spot until it was far too embarrassingly late to respond) which claimed that he himself was a direct descendant of the spider monkey. I did not find this particular statement to be as stunning or even, really, mildly surprising. He has, after all, eight arms and a love of bananas, a trait shared by the simian in question if memory serves. Nevertheless – and fortunately as far as this post goes – this got me thinking. Was there something in this bizarre notion of racial evolution being linked to varying species? The obvious answer of "careful now, there’s probably an axe attack imminent you buffoon, racial characteristics are clearly genetic adaptations to environment" seemed just a little bit too obvious for my liking. So, while I embark on funding requests to further examine this question I have begun compiling some likely test candidates among the world’s people and creatures. I’ll need to be careful to avoid offending any creatures. Race: The Swiss Description: Drawn to geometry and mathematics; the simple triangles of a Toblerone, the round holes in their cheese, the large numbers of their bank accounts and the sums of money therein. Likes to claim neutrality but certainly wouldn’t mind running the whole show so long as there was no physical risk, despises cuckoos and has fostered a national industry designed to incarcerate the animals within the madness-inducing, always-ticking tombs of miniature clocks. Most Likely Evolved From: Crows. Intelligent, drawn to shiny things, cautiously aggressive, long-running feud with cuckoos over nesting rights. Race: Canadians Description: Tolerant. Very tolerant. Maybe too tolerant. Who else would willingly live in close proximity to Americans and allow the French...
Science Secrets Revealed
It’s been a while since we last had neOnbubble‘s resident doctor of knowledge, Doctor Ofknowledge, in to answer your science questions and that’s mostly due to incarceration at Her Majesty’s Pleasure for misuse of a cloning machine. But never fear for he’s back now – or his clone is – and some scientific sating can start straightaway! Melanie of Moonbase Beta asks … Is it possible to survive on the Moon’s surface without a helmet? Of course it is. The lack of an atmosphere and extremes of temperature are no barrier to Moonbugs who quite happily swim through the regolith carving out craters for tourists. For humans, however, it’s a different matter but you should be okay so long as you have some kind of pressurised vehicle with an airlock. Gilbert of Toledo asks … What is evolution? Evolution is a bastardised form of the word "evilution", itself a portmanteau of the words "evil" and "dilution". Life emerged on the Earth over 10,000 years ago. At that time it was small but incredibly complex. Over the generations since, that life has split, procreated, or mutated thanks to x-rays, becoming less at every turn. Each generation of flora or fauna is significantly simpler than its predecessor, a poor dilution of the original lifeform. You know how you think kids are stupider these days? Evolution. Mimi of Nuneaton asks … Scientifically-speaking, what is the worst film ever? Weekend At Bernies 2. Agamemnon of Rio de Janeiro asks … There is a leak in my toilet. I’m worried about the Atlantic ocean. That’s not a question but Doctor Ofknowledge is an understanding soul and will proceed as if you asked one. Water is a vengeful beast but thus far no ocean has ever taken the life of a human for allowing its toilet water offspring to drip onto the floor and evaporate. A river once strangled a man in France but he was performing unspeakable acts with a baguette and the crumbs were falling into a tributary. I think we’d all have done the same. Yeuk Hai-Mok of Bradford asks … Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I’m wearing Calvin Klein’s Obsession For Avians. To a pigeon I’m giving off the same pheromones as a freshly-washed car. Janice of Beijing asks … Do storks really deliver babies? No Janice. The stork’s neck muscles are not strong enough to carry an infant for any distance. In any case, storks are babyvores and would sooner peck a child into a pinkish mush than transport it for no apparent reason. Melanie of Moonbase Beta asks … Is it possible for a...
Stunning Medical Facts That Will Stun You
Is your anti-stun helmet in place? What’s that? No anti-stun helmet? Well then, get thee to a comfy chair as quickly as possible! Why? Because there’s some stunning coming up and I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s why. Prepare to be stunned with these stunning medical facts that will stun you! The human ear is over 40% fruit. You can tell someone’s age by seeing how long it is before they react to eye-poking. After the menopause a woman’s knees start to drift downwards. 1 in 5 Americans suffer from a superfluous third arm. Pressing the right combination of freckles will flip open a person’s head. Lips are a relatively modern evolutionary adaptation to the face, replacing velcro. The clitoris extends for three metres inside the female. In addition to sweat, armpits also secrete WD-40 to prevent squeaking. Eskimos are born with an extra internal organ that breaks down whale blubber into mint juleps. The human body can withstand pressures up to seven but I’m forbidden from telling you what scale I’m using. The strongest material in nature is an old lady’s cankles. A tribe of natives in South America spend their entire adult lives inside-out. In an emergency the colon can double as bungee cord. Tastebuds are extremely sensitive and should not be allowed to see Steven Spielberg movies. Women feel no pain during childbirth but have a natural instinct to try to make men feel guilty. But wait! There’s more stunning! The gag reflex is nature’s defence against sword-swallowing. The adrenal gland is also responsible for humming in humans. Rapid eye movement is an autonomic response to lice fidgeting under your eyelids. There is as much vitamin C in male ejaculate as in a common or garden house brick. "Friendly bacteria" will not return your lawnmower if they borrow it. Bald men are compensated by wide-ranging and thick forests of pubic hair. A person will remain conscious for 15 seconds following decapitation but instantly loses the ability to sigh. A woman reaches her sexual peak ten minutes after her man has fallen asleep. People with eyes of different colour are actually twins who coalesced in the womb. With concentration and practice the anus can work as a gill underwater. 25% of the brain’s functions are dedicated to avoiding choking while eating biscuits. Nostrils are purely for decoration. Laughter is not the best medicine for people with split sides. Leprosy is not contagious if you only touch elbows. Lifting the toenails reveals some handy storage space. The unattractive appearance of the scrotum is a genetic device designed to frighten away intruders from the...
Science Valentines
Science Valentines are this year’s "must copy" gift given out by bloggers and website-owners the world over. Spread the scientifically-explainable love this year without lining the pockets of card manufacturers and raise awareness of pioneers in the fields of disease propagation and gamma ray bursts too. More Science Valentines can be found: Ironic Sans: Idea: Scientist Valentines Bad Astronomy: I Cardiovascular You Gia Milinovich: Science Valentines Jacks of Science: Bring Love To The Lab With A Science...
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