The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
August 25, 2010
You can tell that bloody X Factor is staged…. When Cheryl Cole collapsed with malaria not one bloke tried to put his cock up her arse!!!
August 29, 2010
I have a pretty flexible sense of humor but this shit aint nearly funny! u wouldnt b laughing if ur kid was fucking raped!!!! SORT YOUR FUCKING LIFES OUT U SAD TWATS!!!!!!!!!!!!
OWNER EDIT
And what would we like to know about Matt (IP: 86.173.179.30)?
Matt came here looking for … no! It couldn’t be! But it is! It’s… SICK JOKES!!! Who would have thought it? What are the odds? Oh Matt, Matt, Matt… fancy stumbling upon sick jokes when you’re only looking for sick jokes. How frustrating that must be for you! A pox on the internet for delivering exactly what you asked for! We feel for you Matt. Deep down. Really deep. Near the ankles.
Anyway, Matt has a Samsung GT S8500 Wave which may go some way to explain why he has trouble spelling long words like "be" and "you". He may be an American in England which might explain his use of "humor" instead of Her Majesty’s Approved Spelling of the word (so we can forgive that) but can we forgive the dreadful pluralisation of "life"? I’m afraid we can’t.
August 31, 2010
Really wish people would stop making jokes about the floods in Pakistan
It’s fecking funny enough as it is!!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
It’s so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can’t wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I’d sent that to the wrong person.
September 1, 2010
What’s yellow and dangerous? The discharge from my cock!!!
September 4, 2010
im a pc and runnin from raoul moat was my idea
September 4, 2010
i was sucking off my new thai bride the other day when i thought
"hang on a fucking minute"…..!
September 4, 2010
my mate caught me bashing one out whilst sniffing his sisters knickers the other day.wouldnt have been so bad,but she was still wearing them.he went mental at me.made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
September 6, 2010
ok so Matt and saneprsn totally ignored the "disclaimer" and read the jokes anyway, despite having no sense of humour. people like them make me horny
September 8, 2010
crackin site, had me pissin my sides.
think the baby jokes are a bit ‘OTT’ but keep the others comin
September 9, 2010
Yes, of course the jokes are sick – that’s the whole point! You can go OMFG and HAHAHA at the same time – give it a try!
The nearer the knuckle, the funnier… but don’t hammer nails into your hand to test the humour content.
September 13, 2010
the jokes about dead babies r fuckin sick u need to get a life !
September 15, 2010
love this site the jokes are Fu$%£$g brilliant
September 17, 2010
Thick Walls. Plenty of space Naked Kids. No consequences…………………..
Carlsberg don’t do Paedophile Rapist Colonies, But the Church do
September 17, 2010
Why did the woman cross the road?
More to the point why wasn’t she in the kitchen?!?!?!
September 24, 2010
fuckin deadly site admin
lovin the jokes will be shockin people in work for days to come
September 24, 2010
whats gary glitters idea of a perfect ten?
two five year olds…
whats the difference between normal blood and period blood?
you cant pick up normal blood with a fork…
how do you cercumcise a priest?
kick the alter boy in the chin…
October 4, 2010
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Im going to fuck you with a rake
xx
October 6, 2010
another possible sighting of madeleine ?
I bet her killers having a right fucking laugh !
October 6, 2010
Some are funny some are like mental the person who tells them are wrong
October 7, 2010
‘ Ian Huntley attacked again and left for dead ‘
And who says are Justice system dosn’t work ?
October 7, 2010
what the difference between normal parents and the mccanns ?
Normal parents unbury there kids on the beach !
October 7, 2010
John and Edward…
Where’s ian huntley when you need him?
October 7, 2010
Everyone is back having a pop at ian huntley again now due to him being in the paper, I say leave him the fuck alone. Has everyone forgot! The man burnt 2 Man Utd shirts! Go ian
October 7, 2010
H M Prisons are going to have a stars in their eyes style talent competition to raise prisoners morale.
I heard ian huntley,peter tobin and steve wright are teaming up and going as the band- Scouting for girls.
October 7, 2010
BBC NEWS – Search for paedophile continues.
I’m up against ian huntley and Gary Glitter for a place in the finals. Wish me luck !
October 7, 2010
33 miners trapped underground?
Sounds like Fritzl upped his game
October 7, 2010
The McCanns think they have it bad. I went to Portugal with three ginger kids and came back with three.
October 8, 2010
What’s worse than a baby in a trashcan?
A baby in TWO trashcans!
What’s the difference between rocks and babies?
You can’t pitchfork the rocks…
October 15, 2010
why is it when women are pregnant people rub their belly and say congratulations but no one rubs your cock and says well done
October 17, 2010
gary glitter is now in chile. its the only place you can slide a minor up and down your shaft and get applauded
October 19, 2010
Funny as fuck made me want 2 rape the mrs n shoot the baby lol
October 19, 2010
What do 9 out of 10 people love….
Gang rape psml
October 21, 2010
its a change of the times is’nt it, never use to have perverts in my day, use to have to bye your own sweets
October 21, 2010
how do you get a gay man to fuck a woman………………
………..shit in her cunt !!!
October 21, 2010
whats blue and cold in the morning……..
………cot death !!!
October 22, 2010
SUPERB
October 22, 2010
whats brown and sticky?
Muhammad Ali with a can of coke
October 22, 2010
I had a wank over my ex girl friend last night…….. She’s a real heavy sleeper and I still had the spare key!!!
October 22, 2010
the chilean version of big brother…stick thm dwn a mine for 3 months and see who survives
October 22, 2010
These jokes are awesome, although, Sickipedia is much more advanced and has many more jokes and visitors, Maybe you need to up your game neonbubble and maybe freshen up the site a bit??
I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don’t worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn’t get hurt.
October 22, 2010
Sickipedia is a website devoted to sick jokes. Yes, Sickipedia has more jokes. Sickipedia is updated regularly.
This is a page on a website devoted to nothing at all which pre-dates Sickipedia’s formation. The word page is in the opening paragraph at the top of this page. This page has not had its content updated since 2004 because it’s a timestamped post and not a website. That date is also at the top of this page. Thank you for your complete lack of comprehension in the basic workings of the internet.
October 23, 2010
Great jokes… very funny stuff.
now this really happened the other day, True story….
I was on my way home when i saw a lady walking a dog.. when i thought to myself i will say something to this lady…
I said to her nice dog as i walked passed… she replied thanks… then i turned round and said to her… "If you ever go to South Korea you must try one, they taste lovley" … you should have seen her face!!!!
October 24, 2010
yum yum bubou gum stick it up ur mums bum if it stick pull her tits out cumes weeterbick
October 27, 2010
Whats the difference between a train carriage and a mis carriage, you cant eat a train carriage…
November 3, 2010
why did u suck my dick
cuz you could bend down.
these jokes are i like the taste of my own shit! my ip address is 86.128.168.201. i found this site looking for ‘sick jokes about yummy runny poo’
November 6, 2010
whats 2ft. tall, ten ft. wide, and cant turn around in a hallway??????? a baby w/ a spear in his head!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 7, 2010
what is the difference between a fridge and a chicks ass ???
fridges dont fart when you pull the meat out…
November 14, 2010
Whats blue and fucks auld grannies…
Hypothermia..
November 14, 2010
Whats got 100 legs n smells of piss…..
Line dancing at the old folk home lol
November 17, 2010
What’s Hellen Keller’s favorite color?
Black