The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
November 18, 2010
Em jokes ur funny bt sick
November 18, 2010
An ugly redneck looks out his window and notices a woman tied to the railroad tracks. He goes out and unties her and takes her into his house where she lets him do whatever he wants to her.
The next day he goes to the barbershop where his friend Barney works to get a haircut. While Barney cuts his hair the Redneck tells what happened the previous day.
"Yeah Barney, I saw this woman tied to the tracks and when I untied her she let me do what I wanted to her."
"Really?! Was she good looking? was she cute?!!"
To which the Redneck replied
"I don’t know, I couldn’t find her head."
November 22, 2010
a 15 year old girl walks into a bar…my crowbar so as shes unconscious and bleeding from the skull on the floor i tie her up and throw her into the back of my van, we get to my house i throw her in the basement where i crucify her on the wall where i molest her for several days until she dies so i finish violating her several days later as her once fresh vagina has now become a decomposed mess so i snap her back force her into a near by black bag and bury her under a tree, but people know shes been missing so a few days later i get questioned by a police officer he says "cmon we know you were with her at some point when was the last time you saw her?" so i say well if i have to be completely honest with you mr police man…i wasn’t that close to my sister
November 23, 2010
Whats the difference between jam and jelly?
I can’t jelly my cock up your moms ass!
November 24, 2010
A nun gets into a taxi and gives the driver the address. As he’s driving, the cabby keeps staring at the nun. Finally she asks "yes, my son?" The driver says "Ive always fantasized about kissing a nun". She thinks about that for a minute then says "ok, but on 2 conditions. You can’t be Jewish and you cant be married". "I’m not Jewish or married" he replies. so she says ok. the driver pulls over and she lays on him the best kiss he’s ever had. He pulls back out into traffic and as he’s driving, again he keeps staring at her. Finally she says "what is it now, my son"? the driver says he has a confession to make. He is Jewish and he is married. The nun says "Thats ok, my name is Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!
November 27, 2010
what’s blue and fucks grannys ????
me in my lucky blue coat..
what’s the difference between light and hard ???
i can get to sleep with a light on .
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes ??
fuck all you told the bitch twice .
November 30, 2010
Why have women got legs…..have you seen the mess a slug makes?
December 4, 2010
Jolly funny site.
I have a cuppla evil jokes for ya…………
Little Jonny knocks on Timmy’s door, and Timmy’s mum answers
"Is Timmy coming out to play?"
"What are you playing?" said Timmy’s mum
"War" said Jonny
"But you know Timmy has no arms or legs! How will he play war?"
" We use him as a sandbag!"
December 5, 2010
what do u call a woodpecker with no beak?
headbanger!!
December 6, 2010
If people don’t understand what the word joke means they need a right good fistin. Propped funny. Keep it up, so to speek.
December 10, 2010
bad page………..
December 11, 2010
fuckin pedifile!!!! sick fuck who the hell can read these sick ass jokes and laugh you sick fucks!!!
Sherrie’s IP address is 72.24.244.209. Sherrie came here looking for ‘sick jokes’. I know. I was surprised too. Sherrie likes to invent words in her own spare time. ‘Pedifile’ is a line of feet and is December’s word of the month.
December 11, 2010
YES, if you can’t spell pedifile (as above) then you ain’t one….
But if you CAN SPELL IT CORRECTLY (PAEDOPHILE), then you must be one…
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE…..
December 14, 2010
well my antie is deff and blind and she wont be having cancer for xmas
December 15, 2010
WATS PINK AND FLUFY. PINK FLUF
December 16, 2010
u sick fucks! Well funny though lol
December 21, 2010
Its only rape if you dont enjoy it.
December 24, 2010
A guy goes into a bar and sees a sign that says this girl can sing and suck your dick at the same time. A few drinks later he thinks " I’ll choke her with my dick" So he lays his money down, and goes into the back room, and upon enetering they say he has to be blind folded. Reluctantly he agrees, and takes a seat. He begins to feel his blowjob, and about 2 minutes into it the chick starts singin! Shes hitting a low tone, a high pitch, and soundin like nothings in her mouth. So he just has to take a peek. His dick was in her eye!!!!!
Cool page doh. Get some more jokes.
December 28, 2010
how do you make a 5 year old girl cry twice?
Wipeyour bloody dick on her teddy bear.
January 4, 2011
ur all sick bastards if u find them funny coz there nt i hope all them things happen 2 ur drop dead u sick pedos
January 5, 2011
I love it how people search for this and have a QQ. I dont find its the jokes i specifically like, some of them are fair lame but Its a good laugh at how fucked up our society has become. Ahh Good times. People who criticise this site are obviously naieve and are too god damn weak to do something about their beliefs.
Whats green and melts in your mouth? — A leppers dick
What does a pizza boy and a ginacologist have in common? — they can smell it but they cant eat it
What has 4 legs and 1 arm? — A happy Rotweiler
January 6, 2011
some of them are funny
but less of the kid jokes and rape jokes on kids there just sick not even abit funny
January 8, 2011
LMAO!
January 11, 2011
This website rocks, for those that think it’s sick! Dhrrr, that’s the whole idea! if you read this far, you damn well enjoyed it! That’s just your guilt throwing insults! Get a life and you are not as Holy as you think you are! Email me if you’ve got a problem with my comment! jackiem@gmail.com
January 13, 2011
These fucked up jokes have driven all the sick jokes i know out of my mind. Great fucking jokes. Damn we’re fucked in the head
January 16, 2011
I think your priorities are a bit fucked up. You don’t allow Mexican jokes but fucking little kids is funny.
January 19, 2011
What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog’s finger
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An erection
What’s red and has seven dents in it? Snow White’s cherry
What’s the most used pickup line at a gay bar? Can I push in your stool?
January 20, 2011
I had a threesome last night. Well, two didn’t turn up but I had a superb time
January 24, 2011
Fucking brilliant site, haven’t laughed so hard for ages!
For those morons who visit this site and then complain……..read the fucking title!
After 25 years of marriage my wife finally took it up the arse last night!
I hope it doesn’t show up on the post mortem!
January 25, 2011
whats the best part about fucking twenty-three year olds?
there are twenty of them.
January 27, 2011
If they are so sick why the fuck are you fucksticks on here reading them ?
January 29, 2011
very shitey
January 29, 2011
very shitey asshole
January 30, 2011
funny as fuck, people who have read these jokes then proceeded to write a comment complaining are in denile because if they really didn’t enjoy them they would have clicked CLOSE after the 1st one!!
HAHA tickled me terribly.
January 31, 2011
What do you get when most people keep complaining?
A bunch of wankers on the wrong joke page…
————————————————————————————————-
Look losers, This is a SICK JOKE PAGE, lighten up…
Go back and read my jokes if you don’t laugh then, come tell me why?
Or if you do like em, Then let me know also?
Which did you like best etc..
At…. mr.beansayer@gmail.com …. With head title saying RE:- jokes
JUST TELL ME YOU MORONS… OR ARE YOU CHICKHEN?
CLUCK, CLUCK, CLUCK…
February 1, 2011
What’s the first thing you do after you lick a bald pussy?
Put the diaper back on.
February 2, 2011
whats the simularite between a man and a dog ?
they both come when u call them .
whats the simularite between a women and a washing machine?
they both leak occasionally
February 4, 2011
A woman has been found in a suitcase at the bottom of the river thames ,
and who says men cant pack ?
February 4, 2011
wot do u call 100 mongos in a swimming pool
cabbage soup
February 4, 2011
wots blue and orange and lyes at the bottem of a swimming pool?
a baby with burst armbands
February 9, 2011
disturbing…. but thats what makes them funny as shit
and just remember its not called rape its called suprise sex
February 10, 2011
i was fucking a chick the other night and she asked me not to put it in her bum.i had to explain to her that its traditional for the one with the knife to make those decisions
February 10, 2011
what a load of bollocks it is about women supposedly being better at multi tasking than men.i just told my wife to sit down and shut the fuck up.could she do it,could she fuck.
February 10, 2011
i was having sex the other night and was getting a bit tired,so i asked her to go on top.she said,"youve not raped before have you".
February 10, 2011
what do 9 out of 10 people really enjoy?
gang rape
February 10, 2011
my wife said to me that my penis resembles a tic tac.she seemed proud of her comment but i knocked her down a peg when i asked her why her sister still had bad breath.
February 10, 2011
a woman has just looked through the window while i was having a wank.she walked slowly towards the glass and mouthed the words,"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN"
February 10, 2011
i was in the pub the other night and spotted a huge fat chick at the bar.i walked up to her and asked if she had a pen.her face lit up as she said yes.i told her to fuck off back to it then,before the farmer noticed she was missing.
February 12, 2011
this is lmfao funny
February 14, 2011
all good love em