The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
October 12, 2009
this is awful, the most awful sick website i have ever been on
October 12, 2009
Q. what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in the sea??
A. bob
October 13, 2009
even i cringed at some of those hahahaha
October 14, 2009
a few of these made me gasp, good job guys, keep up the good work. hope you enjoy these:
what’s the sickest thing ever? a barrel full of dead babies.
what’s even sicker? the one at the bottom’s still alive.
what’s even sicker? it has to eat its way through
what’s sicker than that….?
… it goes back for seconds.
what’s the difference between a rapist and the papirazzi? a rapist stops fucking you when you’re dead
i used to be into necrophilia… that is untill some rotten cunt split on me.
what’s 3 feet tall and gives me head? my son.
and finally
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? nothing you havent already told her twice
October 18, 2009
" Kim this is awful, the most awful sick website i have ever been on "
err.. you obviously don’t get about on the internet much then…
_____________________________
whats more fun than spinning a baby on a washing line at 200mph..
stopping it with a spade
_________________________________
what sits in the kitchen getting smaller and smaller…
a baby combing its hair with a potato peeler
__________________________
whats red, white and screaming…
a peeled baby in a bag of salt.
_____________________________
zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2 and we will send you the video; it’s fucking hilarious!
_________________________________
Sickipedia’s also pretty epic…
October 19, 2009
errrm to those that post comments like "this is awful, the most awful sick website i have ever been on", it warns you at the top dumbass! so if you don’t like it, do us all a favour and quit fucking yapping about it and piss off.
October 20, 2009
love the jokes keep them coming so what if they are sick dosent mean shit. Like me i have a sick Sense of humor so think these jokes r funny as fuck
October 21, 2009
Whats the worst part about eating bald pussy?
Putting on the diaper after
October 22, 2009
whats pink and goes round and round and round on a carousel?
Steven gatleys suitcase
October 25, 2009
What’s gross? Garbage can full of dead babies
What’s grosser than gross? The one at the bottom is still alive
What’s even grosser? It’s got to eat it’s way out!
October 25, 2009
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely because she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
October 29, 2009
Everyone needs a sense of humour, if you haven’t got one stay off this site.
October 30, 2009
Whats the difference between pope john paul 2 and madeleine mc cann?,a,the pope died a virgin.
October 30, 2009
Good jks, a bit hypocritical that ur strict as on racial jks but r fine with gender jks,, but gd jks that are there
October 30, 2009
fucking sick, well donne
October 31, 2009
wats blue white and have sick comments on it?
this site
November 1, 2009
why did hitler kill him self ………………
he got his gas bill
November 3, 2009
fucking brill keep them cuming
November 7, 2009
i love mel
November 7, 2009
what do nine out of ten people enjoy?? GANG RAPE
November 11, 2009
Whats the best thing about raping a pregnant woman?
You get a blow job at the same time…
November 12, 2009
wats funny? i pile of dead babies.
wats funnier? there’s one alive at the bottom.
wats even funnier? its eating its way out.
wats even funnier? its going back for seconds
November 12, 2009
omg, owner of this site, that was the funniest reply i have ever seen! gosh, shane’s these days 😛
November 13, 2009
how long does a baby take in a blender?
dunno was too busy jerkin off
November 14, 2009
you sick bastereds due
November 23, 2009
Q: WHATS WORSE THAN LETTING MICHAEL JACKSON BABY SIT FOR YOU?.
A: LETTING IAN HUNTLY BATH YOUR KIDS.
November 23, 2009
WHATS PINK AND TAPS ON THE WINDOW
A BABY IN A MICROWAVE
WHATS RED AND SITS IN THE CORNER
A BABY PLAYING WITH A RAZOR BLADE
WHATS GREEN AND SITS IN THE CORNER
THE SAME BABY 3 WEEKS LATER
November 23, 2009
Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR GIRL FRIEND IS TOO YOUNG FOR YOU?.
A: WHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN AEROPLANE NOISE TO YOU STICK YOUR DICK IN HER MOUTH.
November 26, 2009
your all peados stick it in ur ass lol i fuckin luvs it bring on the rasist jokes 2 stop bein a faggot cumon we can handle um lemme guess ur black no russain let us no ey
December 1, 2009
bit far
December 2, 2009
I’m a girl and i still think this shit is hilarious hahahaha
December 4, 2009
this shit is funny some made me crindge but hey all of you that can’t have a laugh even if its stupid and sick your going to hell and god hates you for being a piss ass fruit cake. so go sit cry and eat a bucket of ice cream and cut yourself the world don’t need ya.. anyway great jokes peeps
December 5, 2009
Q:Whats 12" long, pink and makes women scream.
A: Cot Death
December 5, 2009
What’s green and has one eye, six toes, three tits, two dicks, nine fingers and one testicle? A hospital waste sack.
Nice site mate. I felt a little part of myself die with each punchline, but just had to keep going. It was kinda like beating up a disabled kid . . .
December 8, 2009
Q.whats red and sits in the corner
A.a baby sucking a razor blade
Q.whats brown and scratches on a window
A.a baby in a microwave
December 8, 2009
katie price (jordan) has decided to modify her car for her son shes made all the windows different flavours
December 9, 2009
what do they call gary glittler on tour
the tour da pedo
December 9, 2009
New fragrances out for Christmas
"Decompose " by Jade Goody.
"Last Dance" by Patrick Swayze.
"Touch of youth" by Michal Jackson.
"Just For Men" by Stephen Gateley.
"Breathless" by Farrah Fawcett.
"Missing You" by Kate McCann.
"Vacancy" by Boy zone.
December 9, 2009
thanks for the laughs!!!
December 9, 2009
gd jokes m8
December 10, 2009
Classical, I love a good sick as fuck joke 😉
December 11, 2009
The night before Xmas throughout the house,
we were all fucked,
even the mouse.
Dad at the brothel,
mum with uncle Frank,
I’d settled down
for a nice slow wank.
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter,
I let go of my cock
to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
I knew right away
It was old St Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker,
I think he fell.
He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer,
and a big rubber cock
for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart,
the big fat bleeder
blew the house apart.
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
Shoutin,I’ll be back nxt year, have a hell of a night.
Merry Xmas.
December 15, 2009
what is blue and does not fit? a dead epileptic what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath? throw in your washing i love this website!!! bring on the racist jokes please
December 15, 2009
what is blue and fucks your granny? hypothermia what is blue and fucks your granny? me and my lucky blue coat
December 16, 2009
How did the priest make the little boy cry twice?
Wiped his bloody dick on his teddy bear.
December 18, 2009
Q: What is red and can’t fit through doors?
A: A baby with a javelin through it’s head
December 25, 2009
Q. whats better than nailing a baby to a fence?
A. ripping it off
Q. whats better than swinging a baby around on a clothes line?
A. stopping it with a shovel
December 29, 2009
My friend saw me looking a bit distressed and asked me what was wrong. "Would you forgive me if you found out I was a thief?" I asked.
"Of course I would mate, we’ve been best mates for years, I wouldn’t give a fuck," he quickly replied.
"Ok, but would you forgive me if you found out I was a rapist?"
He thought about it for a minute, and said, "Look, you’re my best mate, but I don’t think I could ever forgive someone for rape, it’s too horrible."
"In that case," I responded, "I stole your daughter’s virginity."
January 1, 2010
What the Difference between a dead baby and a microwave ?
You cant fuck a microwave….
January 1, 2010
Whats better than having sex with a 13 year old Korean boy ?
NOTHING !!!!