The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you’re offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn’t read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page – or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after “accidentally” typing in the website address despite your careful “no supervision or protective software and don’t bother me because Jerry Springer’s on” policy of care – then the words “tough” and “shit” spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity – if you’re not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you’ve ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS PAGE … FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN’T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED ‘SICK JOKES’
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” she replied. “I have to come back alone.”
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
“Oh, she’s in the sea washing herself off,” replies Adam.
“Crap!”, says God. “How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?”
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina'”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
February 19, 2010
absolute quality
February 20, 2010
wot da fuck
February 20, 2010
BEST SICK JOKE SITE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all of you sissy’s complaining need to go fuck yourselfs this is a sick joke site read the warning and choose if u want to read this perverted,gross,disturbing, rape and sexist sick jokes. if not then FUCK OFF i love the site and all hail the first amendment . FUCKin PussSies pro liberal dirty fuckin hippies. What is orange and red and looks good on hippies???? FIRE. hahahahahahahahahahahaha
February 21, 2010
Hahahaha … Awesome.
February 21, 2010
Q: whats the difference between jumping on a trampoline and jumping on a pile of babies?
A:i take off my soccer boots when i jump on the trampoline
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won’t believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That’s great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.
————————————————————————————————-
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So…
They buried her.
February 22, 2010
If I could change the world:- I would like to see 1 president for the whole world. JOB REQUIREMENTS MUST BE:-
1. Must be Paedophile. 2. Must promise to change the laws for paedo,s
3. Must promise to have shop’s selling kids like candy to paedophiles.
AND FINALLY:- Must promise to have all NON paedophiles arrested and thrown in jail.
February 22, 2010
A family of 4, Mum, Dad, A baby girl and a son aged 7.
Mum and dad had been arguing for about a week about if the dad was really the father of the son.
Anyway one day mum started to change the girl’s nappy, but doesn’t have time to finish changing her, when another big argument starts she leaves the room to argue with the dad.
2 mins later.
When they both walk into the room they find the son trying to put his dick in his baby sister. Mum looks horrified. But dad looks relieved.
She turns to him and ask’s him why do you look so relieved?
He reply’s with a big smile on his face and say’s
"LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON! That’s my boy!
February 22, 2010
This is the court room of Judge Judy Sheindlin, the people are real the cases are real, this is her court room.
Now today’s case.
A 15 year old girl raped by a close friend.
Now the case:-
Both stand on each side of the court room, Judge Judy turns to the victim and say’s what do you want out of today’s case.
Victim reply’s:- I want $5000 compensation. Judge Judy write’s down what she want’s on her notepad.
But as she’s doing that the rapist shouts out you must be joking, then the victim starts crying and shouting abuse like, I will rip off your bollocks and use them as earring’s you bastard.
Judge Judy looks up and declares she heard enough, she looks at the rapist and say’s your clearly a nasty piece of work.
My decision is:- I rule in favour of the victim the sum of $5000 and your balls to be ripped off and used as her earrings.
And as a extra reward:- A new dildo.
The rapist looks at the judge and asks, what do you mean do I have to buy her a dildo as well?
Judge Judy reply’s no your ripped off cock will be her new dildo, you had all the pleasure the 1st time round, now the pleasure is all hers.
YOU PRICKLESS PRICK!!!
Court dismissed!!!
February 22, 2010
Whaaaaaa I FUKIN LOVE IT. SICK AS FUCK YEAH!!!!!
February 23, 2010
Thanks D man here’s some more:-
A paedophile swimming coach dips his fingers into the pool, And quickly take’s em back out again.
Why did you take you fingers out ask’s the 5 year old girl?
The coach reply’s because dipping my fingers into a pool of blood is no fun!!
February 23, 2010
2 paedophile’s in a pub drinking, the 1st paedophile is called [Mr. Robertson] And says to his paedo pal [Mr. James] I’m going home to see to my daughter, OK says Mr.James have good time, I’ll see you tomorrow. I am staying here.
Later that night he’s thrown out of the pub at closing time, blind drunk he slowly makes his way home, but ends up getting lost along the way and falls asleep in a nursery playground.
Next morning he get’s a phone call waking him up, it’s is his paedo pal Mr. Robertson, he says he had a really good time with his own daughter last night:- How was you night?
Mr.James replied you had a good time, I’ve just woken up with 40 or so
[aged 4/5 year olds] around me, but I don’t remember a bloody thing about the gang bang.
Mr.Robertson replies:- You are the JAMmESt Bastard in the world GOODBYE!!!
February 23, 2010
Step-dad says:-
Whenever I play monopoly with the kids, I am always the most likely to end up in jail.
You see that’s the only time when their mum goes out.
More jokes later in the week from me including Maybe one of the best jokes I’ve ever made up. coming soon.
please tell me what you think of my jokes.
February 23, 2010
Love it.
February 24, 2010
i prefer sickipedia (www.sickipedia.org) but this i must admit isnt bad
February 27, 2010
What do u call 10 wigs hangin from a tree?
A wind chime
February 28, 2010
Whats funnier that spinning a baby around on a clothesline at 70 miles per hour?
Stopping it with a spade.
March 2, 2010
funny as fuck , there sick jokes guys stop bitchin . nice one guys keep em comin
March 3, 2010
absolute genious, if u dont like these things why go look for them in the first place?
Why can’t madeline McCann chew a fruit pastille?
Cause she’s dead
March 4, 2010
why r all the kidz im haiti bein born wiv flat noses?
so they can lik water out ov puddles
may b bit too much i cud av at least let the dust settle…
March 8, 2010
What is easier to unload, a truck full of bricks or a truck load of babies?
The babies, you can use a pitch fork.
March 8, 2010
Why cant madelin mcCan play the xbox??
Because i have a play station.
March 11, 2010
good jokes some are abit lethal tho
March 12, 2010
Nicole!! Well said. It seems to me that its a cry for attention, to be noticed, their opinion heard but the simple fact is people using this site find it funny. They are called jokes for a reason, there not meant in a malice way just to make people laugh.
Anyway
I was having sex with this girl last night and she looked at me and said " make love to me like in the movies" So i fucked her in the ass, pulled out and came all over her face and hair… I guess we dont watch the same movies.
March 12, 2010
Ok, anyone coming onto here and saying these are sick jokes and shouldn’t be on the internet….Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of this webpage.
Anyways,
What’s red and screams?
A skinned baby in a bath tub full of salt.
March 13, 2010
Whats the first thing your wife does when she gets back from the abused wives club?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her
Why did god invent thrush?
So women would know what its like to live with an irritating cunt.
March 14, 2010
wats screams and cant turn around properly??
a baby with a javlin throu its head trapped in a narrow corridoor
March 14, 2010
apparently the sound of running water makes you need the toilet,
dunno bout that but the sounds of running children gives me a raging hardon
March 19, 2010
What is the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
March 19, 2010
fucking brilliant
March 23, 2010
How do you get a six month old baby to quit crying?
You pull your dick out of its ass.
What’s the difference between raping a one year old and a two year old?
One year.
March 23, 2010
The year is 2020, and Madeleine McCann turns up alive and well.
Judge Judy ends up getting her highest ever court case to reveal what really happened to her, and it’s to be broadcast live around the world.
Meanwhile in Thailand (or where ever the fuck he is now?) Gary glitter sits down to watch the broadcast live on TV. Then it comes on:-
This is the court room of Judge Judy Sheindlin the people are real, the cases are real, but as for the story who the fuck knows, this is her court room.
Today’s case:- Madeleine McCann returns, but for where? that’s find the fuck out…
Judge Judy says to maddie tell us your story of what happened?
Maddie starts to explain how her parents pissed off to the restaurant for dinner… Judge Judy cuts in and says we know that bit already just tell us what happened next?
She carries on… well a big UFO come down and swept me up…
Meanwhile the press in the corner of the room are overheard saying to each other… "That s so bloody obvious, why didn’t we get that"
Judge Jude tells the press to "shut the fuck up " Carry on Maddie….
"Possible idea for a film?" whisper the press to each other laughing.
QUIET carry on Maddie…
Maddie continues… well she said they told me they were paedophile aliens and spent years abusing me.
Judge Judy thinks to herself that’s just great, I’ve have robbers, muggers and murderers and now I get bloody paedophile aliens that’s all I need.
Meanwhile, back at Gary Glitters home he thinks to himself… I don’t think I got any commission money from NASA to play (do you want be in my gang) into outer fucking space "bastards"
Back in the court room Judge Judy asks one last question:-
Why did they let you go?
She replies:- Well I am 16 years old now and that’s too old for them, They don’t want to get arrested on there home world for having sex with an overage girl.
Case closed!!!
March 29, 2010
Sick but brilliant
April 1, 2010
excellent!!
April 2, 2010
Q-Whats red found in pieces and covered in mud A-Rose wests daughter
April 4, 2010
ill cut your head off
April 4, 2010
lets meet soon you wierd fuck and ill let my kids bash you queer fuck
April 4, 2010
It will come as no surprise to discover that ‘mr p’ (guess what the ‘p’ stands for (and remember: he has kids (and that special lack of education that comes from inbreeding))) arrived at this page looking for SICK JOKES.
‘mr p’ is homophobic and many vehemently homophobic people overcompensate for their own sexual feelings towards sexy people of their own sex. That’s a fact.
‘mr p’ used the search.conduit.com website to arrive here.
‘mr p’ has the IP address of 120.16.85.79.
The referrer agent for ‘mr p’ identifies as follows: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; GTB6.4; .NET CLR 2.0.50727; .NET CLR 3.0.4506.2152; .NET CLR 3.5.30729)
The time of visits from ‘mr p’ are shown in British Summer Time next to his comments.
‘mr p’ took 10 minutes from first arriving to post his comment. I’m not saying he spent all that time reading. I’m saying it’s more likely he’s a slow typist. One handed typing does slow one down after all.
Jokes, in whatever taste, are protected free speech in the United States. Threats of violence are illegal. Threats on the internet are just plain stupid. Statements to meet without leaving your name, address, and a contact number shows a terrible lack of commitment to one’s violent tendencies. Violent tendencies while typing one-handed on a sick jokes web page is not wise with kids present. That’s dreadfully bad parenting. ‘mr p’, I’m disappointed in you.
April 4, 2010
that is some sick jokes mate hahaha 🙂
April 4, 2010
WOW.
What a reaction! I am not gay or a paedophile it was just a joke?
Besides if I took time too fined this page, then so did you.
Get over it. you haven’t got to visit sick jokes page if you don’t what too.
Why can’t you read the top of screen or can’t you read?
So get over it you haven’t got to visit a sick jokes page you know.
By the way I haven’t got any kids. .
YOU CAN’T TELL WHAT SOMEONE’S IS LIKE FROM READING A JOKE.
THAT WHY THIS PAGE IS CALLED SICK JOKES.
WHY DON’T YOU FINED THE PERSON WHO STARTED THIS PAGE IF IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH?
April 4, 2010
I would question any parent with kids who would be willing to let them bash someone.
I think that says more about you as a parent, really.
GREAT ROLE MODEL. (NOT).
April 5, 2010
JUST TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION:-
On closer inspection the 1st two messages were from the same person.
2 Send from somewhere in Australia I believe or that’s what the IP tracker told me and the 3rd was what I think was the USA, because they mention right of free speech in America.
PLEASE NOTE:- I just presumed all 3 messages were from the same person at first.
PS. STOP USING MY MESSAGE NAME….. DICK HEADS.
April 6, 2010
im horny…mmm
April 8, 2010
Do you fuck me as in surprised or fuck me as in really fuck me?
I was just wondering? PS:- I am NOT gay, but if you a sexy woman, than I’ll give you some:- oooooohhhhh, arrrrggggghhh, ooooooohhhh, arrrrrrggghhhh. 1MIN 30SECS LATER:- Now were did I put those fags.
April 8, 2010
Makin’ more friends Mark? HAHA! Noyyyyyyyyysssssssssss…..
April 9, 2010
whats small and red and crawls up the inside of a womens leg?a home sick abortion
how do you stop a baby drowning?take your foot off its head
how many babys does it take to paint a house?well it depends how hard you throw them
what has 4 legs and one arm?a rotweiler in a playground
whats the difference between a londoner and smarties?smarties dont melt in the tube
i could go on and on and on good jokes people keep up the good work and the comments about people laughing at these jokes been sick and all that crap made me laugh even harder while reading these jokes so i shall continue to post as many of these jokes as i can so "weirdo sicko paedo" (like me apparantly) can piss off all you lovely out standing "normal people" ps i raped your mother im your father muhahahahahaha
April 13, 2010
this website is legendary
April 16, 2010
@ MR P – Your worse than mr p, retaliation against a complaint is just pointless. One comment saying that hes a gay cock sucker would be fine, but no need for all of them.
This one is bloody legendary!!
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe. lol Good work guys!!
April 21, 2010
RE:- Gav…. YEAH, I admit I fucked it up. Point taken. Good joke.
RE:- Jace… I agree this is a legendary website.
RE:- Shmad… I don’t understand the last 2 lines of what you put?
More jokes from me coming soon…
April 24, 2010
how u lick ou a women wi no hair,
..Pull down d nappy…
April 28, 2010
How do ya get 100 dead babies into a barrel? Food Processor.
How do ya get ’em out? Doritos.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.